Happy New Year!

Its so strange i had a dream this morning, i was antiquing, kids from neighbourhood were trick or treating, it snowed and i was dressed in white, i went into this antique store, saw this huge wall clock, a beautiful ornate one, except the hands on the clock were tied with this rope. I wonder what it means....

I wish you a happier blogger. I'll try to be one. But meanwhile, i hope this year will ring in beautifully. I have no expectations, I'm just ready for another year to unfold.

Have fun while you are at it. Muuuah!

Ho Ho Ho!

Kinda late with this  post, but thats my sweet heart flashing his fake smile, by the tree I have sitting in the living room. It turned out beautifully and the ornaments are the coolest. Now, that'll be my year end adventure, to find the coolest looking and meanigful ornaments. I'll pass it on to T when he's all grown up : )....aww... to me from you ; ) V's back from his sabaticcal and T has his school off so him and i are actually spending quality time since i'm back to work.

We were off to library this am, and he knew the drill, mamma i want to see the fishes (the aquarium in the library), he knew after that, we'll cross the street, and eat pizza in the food court. Right after his pizza he was like ok, lets go to the slides (the play area in the mall)....

After mending a broken heart, (rj's phone call), i needed something strong, so i watched "Godfather" for the first time. I'm a nut about watching movie right from first second, i hate missing story or any underlying base that leads to the heart of the story. I still havent forgiven V for arriving late to watch mira nair's Namesake....We had arguments about watching a movie or not on TV based on the fact that the movie is ONE minute into the start....

Godfather on dvr and kiddo in bed, i hit the remote. I'm loving it....i got as far as Micheal coming back from Sicily and he's taking over his dad's mafia business. T woke up from his nap right when sonny is shot multiple times at the toll on the highway. He later remarks, how that guy was shot in the neck, in the head and how he got a boo boo...because of the gun.

Crap...hell...my guilt shot to the roof and i turned it off. anyway, i hope my cousins will make it as planned. Chalo gtg, i have lots to share but i dont know how to and where to start. I love you for giving me the blank space to throw my "mumbo jumbo"! naah...i dont mumbo jumbo...i'm for real, always have been, always will.

Listen to this song, pee loon tere naino se shabnam...Enjoy until i'm back to recap on my year, right, ha ha! that should be something.

On The Runway

On The Runway
She looks so good. I dont like her much, but that outfit, that color, the hair, she looks just right.

Are you conscious?

"We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures."
- Thornton Wilder


I came across this few days ago and it struck a chord, cant say why.
I hope, you, my dolly, have treasures you are conscious of in your heart. Enjoy and savor their's / it's presence in your life.

My tree and my ornaments...

 

Tu bin bataye!

Something about the way, she continues to look at him, when he puts the ring on her finger, though among many friends, the celebratory moment is so crystallized just between those two. Love it.

I know she's not mine

.......you have to see the vid to know the rest of it. I cried watching this. T hugged me and said "mamma, i love you"....I hate it that he's exposed to my vulnerabilities, but it's humbling that the fisrt thing he says when i'm at my worst is that he loves me.

After Take 1

Take 2

Lets try this the other way round,

what do I do with you, she hesitantly asks him. 

He nuzzles his nose on her shoulder and replies with a

question, can you take me with you like the glow of the rainbow in your

pocket…

She smiles and instead ties his thought as a string of bond

around her wrist and puffs away…. 

After she's gone, all he sees is the faint dust of

afterthought 

After she's come far enough, all she sees is the print

of his foot walking away… 

Come on! i can do better than this... or is this as good as it gets, any helpers, edit me!

Love this song! koi aane wala hai....Mann mera pagal dhoondta hai tujhey ghabraake....cool!

So much has happened since last time i came here,

its hard to pick the string at one point and roll it along...

dont know where to begin....

all i've been doing the past few days is carry my kindle with me everywhere, 

since i started reading through kindle,

i cant belive i made it without it for so long!

I remembered something that happened in Gold Coast this evening and couldnt shake it off....

i so miss it.

Kithi Baatein

Kitni baatien....just smooth lyrics....from Lakshya

Kaise aayi hai aisi dooriyan....

Does it ever happen to you at all...you are right smack in the middle of a silliest conversation, are in the middle of a happening crowd, but you, your heart get tugged away....

Something was amiss...
I'm completely missing the point somewhere

I started to feel so....i dont know for the lack of a better word, i'd say, lonely....empty.
I couldnt shake it off for the longest time and very uncharacteristically i blurted it out to a friend...

No it's not the holidays, not that V is not home, its that cloud of my life hovering over me with questions and all i say is, go figure it out. I'm in need...of what...I dont know...my sis says reach out to god! But God is inside me...I've accepted God in the shape god is in my life.

I love them

From dec 14, 2010, i'm sure i must have bought them for myself :) Thank you, me!

Hi

: )

What...

what do you mean what?

nothing,

then why that smile or is that a grin...

what cant a girl just smile now...

ok

ok then

well it was nice talking to you too on this beautiful day!

Baba

I miss you! I still curse my bad luck for carrying you all by myself to the hospital, i still remember the way your face lit up when you saw taran on his first b'day at the hospitals terrace, i cant forget a lot...but the most that sticks to me is what you taught us even in your last days you tried so much for being with us, i love you so much for trying for our sake....please come back soon. Writers point in Rajahmundry, mamma in eluru, me in West chester, your friedns in hyd and vjy we all are rememring you the best way we can in our own ways.

Lovingly,
Linku

Super duper

As soon as ms. J caught sight of me, she said she wanted to tell me something, my panic alarm started to tickle me....then she said what my bubba did this am, he's progressing well towards potty training. I was so excited that I hugged & kissed him tight. I'm so proud of him, next step in his life....all during our drive back, we talked this and that. But my pride in his silly achievement was brimming in my voice.

Aaj hum bohuth khush hai....aap Jo mujhe maangenge, woh milega. On another note something unexpected happened to me on Monday morning...sweet!

Hint of calls

Missed call...crap...

A message too....now i love those...

Battamees, ullu, nalayak, gaddhi....kabhi uthathi nahi ho phone...

Boy....sorry jijju...I'll call you back...

My jeejs cracks me up with this sweet curses which sound more like blessings....

And then....

there are those from friends, totally threatening messages.

Uss phone ko kahi chullu bhar pani mein pheko

I'm the only one who calls you, so you might not want to be on my bad side...

Pick that phone up NOW!

Kahan rehthi ho, phone aur phone no ki kya zaroorath hai...

To come to think of it, they both more or less sound the same now, except i know my jijju understands and my munchkins try to....

Once in a while it would be nice to hear, linku, how are you, we miss you, call me back, we thought of you so dropping in to check.....i'm telling you, no one cherishes me like it should be ; )

Is it my fault?

Cute ones this weekend

Cho chweet...

How positively in love....

My Sunday was anything but...i'm wiped out, i wish my dad was here to feed me while i wrap up the work. I still remember how daddy use to follow me around the house with breakfast in the plate to spoon feed me, while i would run from one room to another, getting ready to go to college and later to work, all the while Vaishali would be screaming on top of her lungs from the ground floor to rush along or we would miss the bus. uff...i wonder where she is.... I'm going here and there in my thoughts again....

Chalo let me whip you up a cool song....Mera jeena hai kya, marna hai kya! T joins me at "kya"... i dont like it when they add a tempering of angrezi lyrics.

On another note, i cant find my lipstick shade in the stores, my plans to revamp my living room and to build a low level coffee table is keeping me up in night. You handy at all?

Just me and T....

Have you ever tried sleeping squished between a 3yr old boy and a 7yr old girl, it's really...how do i say it...interesting. After playing hide n' seek, eating dinner over cindrella, playing scratchy monster, brushing teeth and reading a easter bunny book, i rightfully deserved a warm spot between those two.

They nuzzle, poke, cuddle and twirl your hair like no body's business and they do this all at the same time with no regard for how you feel. Absolutely not!! apart from trying to save myself from all the cuddles and pokes, i was trying to make sure they don't fall off the bed.

Happy Birthday Ammi, meri jaan, Happy Birthday!

Since V left to hyd with his best friends on wed for the entire month, my thanksgiving kickoff with friends went as the rest of the gals planned. I was responsible for baby sitting as all of them went shopping. I dont know how do they do it, but i was having a blast with the kiddos.

Now, it'll be chillax time for t and I. I can peacefully live on Maggie, watch movies late, all my cute friends are offering to bring lunch at work. It'll be me, my partner in crime and my thanhayi....how does amitabh say it....mein aur meri thanhaayi aksar ye baathe karthey hain....Maybe i'll whip up a hot pot of biryani one of these days. naah...it'll be more like my khitchdi....

Santa baby.... now can I give you my wish list....

On my drive back this afternoon from NJ i couldnt stop listening to this song....Ranjha Ranjha I like ti when he says:

Waqt katt ta bhi nahin, waqt rukta bhi nahin
Dil hai sajde mein magar, ishq jhukta bhi nahin....pretty cool... i like that, dil hai sajde mein magar, ishq jhukta bhi nahin...had to be mr. G.


These days randomly, T comes and asks me, "whats your name?", i say "Imtiaz" and he says "no, your name is mamma"....by god!


Hope your Sunday is as beautiful as sundays should be. Wish me luck on monday morning...big day pour moi....come by to drop me off at work, baba. I'm talking too much, na....i'll stop, you dont have to bear  the brunt of my day.

Ghar ke ujayaare

sapno ki ghar ki

chath pe hai taare...

toffee yo kay deewaro pe

latlay hai gubbare....

Happy Birthday, Taran baba! 

You are all of 3 years today.

I wish all the wonders of life happen to you, be true to yourself, be more than what you can be to others. 

I love you munni bubba! My sweet little hunk. Nani ammi, nana abbu, badi ammi, bade abbu, mama and everyone sends you their love. 

Today while eating your dinner, you saw something on youtube and said that's super mamma and i'm super taran! ha ha! mera baccha...

Help!

I need help, i really do! I'm exhausted, and dont have energy to even process...

Help please, hello....it's bloody, so ******g ..... never mind, no point complaining. Apparently, my track record of driving people away stands unwavered.

I...just dont know...

Do we or Dont we!

While in a meeting at work, i curled my toes,

as i felt the cold sandy water 

on my feet....

the vision of my son at the beach

and his hands twined in mine,

his yowl of laughter

at the tides splashing him and i, 

made me feel good in my heart,

We need vacations that linger with us,

We need people that stay with us, 

We need flavors that jog our lanes,

We need fragrances that revive us,

We need  recollections that crowd us,

We need love that bleeds us,

We need the imagination to make faces out of clouds, 

i try to teach T how to, 

I dont miss the vacation, 

because it left me with more....

a vision in the sheerness....

On my PL.....Jab jab 

Do you agree

Something got me thinking, maybe the fire drill at work, and all of us standing out there in the drizzle, cold air, i was mentally jotting down, who are the people with real jobs....

• a mom...
• a teacher
• a firefighter
• a doc
• a plumber
• a electrician
• a pilot
• a coach
• a perfumer
• a guide
• a event organizer
• a chef
• a musician
• a painter
• a poet
• a quintessential girl / boy friend / spouse 
• a super cute receptionist ; )
• a car mechanic

did i miss anyone! just me, i'm a job myself, a COMPLICATED one i was told!

Half and Half

 A friend that other day told me how she listens to some songs and cant relate to it, she just misses the whole point, she beamed, ha! i smiled, i wished i felt that way, there are emotions of varying depths that I cant seem to escape, they come, they go, they stay. This morning, when i came across this secret, i felt for the person who sent it, i know what she means, its a hole that gapes at you, it's a blessing, its a curse, its a connection, that very few have or dare to accept it. Like that song in Janbaaz..."har kissi ko nahi milta". I wish you feel like a complete person soon. 

 Sometimes when i read these secrets, i feel like there is one person or few with shared life experiences out there, though you have never met them and perhaps live across oceans, there's that familiarities in your life that brings you together. 

I use to feel this way, cant say i still do, i dont, but it seemed familiar. You'll grow out of it, we all are intellectuals in our own rights. 

Saw a movie this afternoon, the suburban girl says "a girl learns to grow up when she loses her father, and she lets go of her archie". A archie, a proverbial archie!! 

Finally, my kindle will be here soon, i'll share. 

a shortest story

"I don't know what to do with you" he tells her.....

The feather of thought she was, as he spoke, she feels the weight of rock in his arms...

She picks her presence to walk away...

Unable to swift past him...she slips in the dark ocean of faces, of moments, of life events.

Has she been an unbearable woe....anything but she whispers to self.

It's a journey she has to walk alone, it's a journey he can't heart it, it dawns on her it's always been only HER journey!

"is this what you want" she asks with her lips sealed.

Hazaar rahen ....

Am I blushing?

R comes over to say she’ll be in 5100 conference room, since we both are working on similar stuff, I asked if she wanted me to join her.

She then says the cutest thing, “na…I could have pinged you, but I just wanted to see your face….”

Aww….ding ding…Wow! I haven’t heard anyone say that to me before.

She made my afternoon, and that high lasted for few hours. 

Imagine, someone walks couple of hallways away from their planned destination, only to come over and say something to you and more so because they wanted to see your smiley face…aww…. I’m so flattered.

I wish she were a cute guy, wink wink.

The day could have gone a little better, but i have no complaints. 

Is it the beginning or

a continuation....or would it dwindle

That evening across the high seas as i hung up, only the sound of laughter resonated, the voice was filled with a lightness and it swelled me with joy to hear that....finally...even for few seconds, i might have made just enough, teeny weeny difference to bring out that hearty laugh....

....it deemed like the creases were ironed out, many shreds put back in order, the scars lightened and the healing has begun.

....it all ended with laughter, and it felt good, darn good.

That evening across the oceans, a tide reached its destination, the circle met it's other end which is not a frazzled one with strained knots, but just a simple gentle one.

But i'll thank my dad, my baba for being there, for giving me the hand i needed through those turbulent downs and smooth highs, one piece of peace is with me now....

Enjoy my pumpkins..

I just came back

from mall and i'm so in love with this skirt in navy blue and they'd look so cute with the these SM shoes and with this Top or a white plain one and the blazer i saw in store is not online, but it would just look like what i'd want in my head.

Wait, i have some Candies boots in my basement. Let me see, if they might work!!

I came back with a will to buy the boots and leggings first and then go back for the outfit, came back more so becoz i didnt know how i could go into fitting room since i had T with me, also he was having such a ball in front of the mirror. Not sure...if i should order online or check in stores first for the boots...hmm... I just cant wait to get the fall look together.

Let me scout for some bags too, while i'm at it. A LV would be a cherry on the cake.

I'm sound selfish na, darn, no bacchey, dont, there are people out there who you can help, screw it.....yup, that's the right thing to do. 

Dont be selfish! Dont be, you shouldnt be, i dont have to have them, atleast i have it put together in my head. ok...they are here on my blog. I'll come back here when i miss it. Good girl, is what my dad would say, my mom would just ask me to go get it anyway....i'm clashing... What a short lived fashionista moment. 

Rush Rush rush

I love the pulse of a consultant's life at work. Plug in, plug out, presentations, convince people, lots of faces, many intros, few of them retain and some dont, manage stuff through elevators and across rooms like you have 4 hands. Just pray darling you dont drop stuff, was funny when Kurt said, arent women supposed to be logical, across the floor i said, wait, arent men supposed to help women. Ofcourse, cute interns to field and train. for some i'm also the girl in teal sweater on first day, i only thanked wardrobe gods, that i chose the teal one on a rainy morning, it's one heck of a  teal cardigan guys, not sweater.

This am after putting zillion things in order for T to go to school, i rush thinking i might beat the traffic, it's a vile hope but i'm optimisitic. Though i could have made it in time, i didnt. I decided to stop by to buy a card, flowers and a gift card for my friend. It's R's b'day, since she and i are working together on this project, i thought i'll surprise her. I'm glad i did, apparently her dad forgot to wish her, and her husband never buys her flowers so she was flattered and loved it. I'm glad i made someone's day : ) I wish i had a friend like me, wait can i be my own friend?? No, I have my dolls and i'm good there.

Rushed on my way back, T dumma marofied school, played with daddy all day. V dropped him at Martha's and left to play racquetball, though i didnt mind, i wondered would i have done that. I let him off the hook, coz, he's been stepping up really well. Anyhow, by the time i went to pick T, he was playing with thier dog, Martha was complimenting me on how well behaved he was and all. I was so proud of him. Meri jaan, my love, come here....shona. Everytime i'm at thier plce, maya her daughter, just squeals with laughter and runs.

V at work now, i woke up after 4 hrs of nap and doing this with you. T misses me, i think, these days he gently slips my palm under his face, i just love it. He was all, mamma, i missed you, i loved you, i want to kiss you...mera raja beta!

I like being back at work, i was telling V how i felt last time with dad not around and separation anxiety with T, stuff with my sister, what a mess i was, i cant beleive it, i'd cry going to work, i just....never mind lets not go there... so he says if i ever feel like not doing it, i dont have to, its uber darling of him to say that, but my circle of life is giving me the strength to look ahead.

I sorely missed you, i'd think of million ways to sneak to you, but just couldnt.

Here's some for you, it's friday nite, lets rock this place up, Ek Nazar and If we ever meet again

Babjanma

janmabab....

however you put it, a feud of personal opinions, countless wasted lives. A verdict served to segregate the disputed land of Ayodhya in equal parts of three. Can the judicial system of India really bring peace to the land of gods or is it god. Is this an answer to the pulse of angry people with angrier thoughts. It's a divide and conquer types! They conquered the peace on the street, by dividing the morsels of land. Did they follow the laws laid by greater minds of our country, i dont know i cant say....But can it bring the stability of minds that we so need, can it bring the tolerance for all religions without any prejudices.

If you see with my eyes, you see two people laughing, sharing the joke, a moment captured at the right second...but hi, ask someone with inclined interests, you'll probably get another response.

Who gets the last laugh....

Which one is it!

I came across this and thought it was so sweet and funny!

"A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia." -- Author Unknown


Ha ha....boy! My dolls we all need more vacation, or make life one... I miss my vacation already!

Can you figure it ?

I cant seem to get this song out of my head, no point lying in the bed and humming next to a toddler, right, so i got up. Tiptoed down to my living room hoping i wouldnt disturb T....I dont know how he knows when i'm not next to him, within a minute or so instinctively i'll hear him call for me. It has always happened, unfailingly, but each time i still hope i can cheat his dozy radar and get away for few minutes...just as i turn on the stove for my chai.... i hear him say..."mamma, whey aa you?"

I absolutely dig this song...as i was listening to the song with my eyes closed, an image of myself drifted in circles, I was at a door in a white shirt, walking down the stairs, onto the street, past the big oak trees and out of nowhere i was lifted by this giant white cloud........tch tch tch....cant tell u further da, it sounds juvenile, all i can say is, i could feel the rain on my face...each and every drop of it.

At the mark of 6.52....it feels so surreal, feels like extending a hand...

I just stared out the window for the longest time, is it possible, can we be and still not be! No, its not possible, reality is as stark as the bleeding blood, as real as the light at the end of the tunnel. Just getting there scratch free is impossible....we have to learn to live each and every bit of it, the awesome, the beautiful, hurting, loving and sad bits too. We owe to it to ourselves.

No point tiptoeing anymore....lets all make some noise. 

Fair vs Unfair

I dont get it, why cant the "dont ask and dont tell" be repealed. What's big deal...why do people feel so staunchly about this.

I'm reminded of the famous Shakespeare's lines...

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

if you tickle us, do we not laugh? 

if you poison us, do we not die? and 

if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? 

If we are like you in the rest, we will

resemble you in that.

I once worked with a guy, who never mentioned he was a gay, but i knew it somehow. So whenever his boyfriend would call, i'd tease him, wink and tell him...maybe you should get this. As we grew to know each other, which was inevitable as we worked in close proximity, he shared his life stories with me, how they met, how he fought the night before with him, how touched he was when his boyfriend patched things up so sweetly. I even helped them plan a vacation, complete with booking their hotel rooms. Not for once it felt unreal, all i saw was the love in his eyes, his voice, his expressions.....how he would wait for me to talk to him about resolving his concerns. 

As a community, as friends if we can stand by and support people through their life events, happy moments, birthdays, funerals...why should this basic support system be stripped of for the gay communities. That is plain simple wrong, unfair. 

This dont ask dont tell only forges the people to stay in closets, and figure out life from the key holes. Why??

In the same office, there was another guy, whom I never guessed, but he was a gay. Only M knew of it, but it was so sad, this other guy who was also a M, would put a picture of his friend who was girl on his desk to give everyone else an idea that she was his girl friend, as if they are dating. He was clearly in the closet, wanting to get out, but was afraid of being judged. 

Why or what gives people the ascendancy to say that one is more acceptable than the other. Why love of one kind is more acceptable than the other. 

Do we not bleed....do we not laugh...do we not love...

Food for thought

Can indifference be state of mind.... If so how long do these "state of mind(s)" last. Huh....

How do you sort it to the extent that the shadows are not these towers of personalities, but a mere likeness of you....

My continuation of perfect date

Achoo, ogh, ogh...(thats me sneezing, coughing, with a sore throat...)

T: Mamma what are you doing?
I: Just some make up beta...
T: oh!

We got seated at TGIF's, ordered our drinks, suddenly it struck me how the frame sitting opposite to me is a small person's and not an adult, he and i cheered to our drinks, he wanted to follow it up with a hi five, I did.

Somewhere during dinner, one of the songs i listen to all the time on FM, was playing in the restaurant, and T beams "mamma this is your favorite song", i just couldnt..... what can i say, it was amazing how he pays attention, mera baccha...meri jaan.

i was so bummed about my camera, i still am, but the evening w/ t was just getting nicer by the minute. Left a dollar bill with a note.... As we stepped out, the music in the lobby was loud enough for him to pick the rhythm and he started dancing right there, i joined him....it was so fun....but it was funnier just watching him dance and spill his sprite all over.

We then headed back to the beach after dinner, I pulled the windows down and let the ocean breezes aloha us! Did i mention how disappointed i'm abt my camera? humph...

Walked in the moonlight to the sounds of the clashing waves on the boardwalk for quite some time, I was tempted for an ice cream, but i held my temptations very tight!

Aaj subah...i really missed my camera, I sorely wanted to click all that my mind was consuming while we were strolling in the nooks and crannies of the beach town. It's just beautiful....the small town-ness to it, the mosaics, the shirtless builders, surfers...., the hammocks, the tyre swings....brightly laced flowers in the garden bed. If i was a writer, i'd write a novel about the woman who owned a book store on the beach!

I miss it already, I hope i'll get to go there soon... pg 781 ....

on my PL thanks P for this one! (mark of 4:24, :39 - sweet)

T when and if you read this, you are such a joy to my life, our life! Remember that when you absolutely need to perk up yourself, baba.

Is there such a thing

as a perfect date? Ha ha...i just had one today.

(writing this, sitting on the floor of a dark "light-less" room, my life is sleeping in front of me yet, i'm awake in my thoughts wanting to write, kinda hungry too, ammis fruit salad would be great just abt now )

But nothing new there, i got the perfect date at a very hefty price. ammi wants me to enjoy my trip.

Woke up lazily, forgot my jacket, t's sunscreen, his beach toys...but remembered of what i had forgotten in the drive.

Reached Rehoboth, DE...my hotel room is beyond expectations, just tastefully done. Love it, they didnt mind me checking in early. Fed my baby in the room, and started our day of adventure.

After learning how to parallel park from V to pass my dmv test, i never got to put that skill at test until today. YAY, i parallel parked, mucho nicely, bellasimo. Shahrukh would say, aisey choti choti shehro mein badi badi bathien ho jaati hain...na, he said the other way around, but this works for my situation na.

rented a beach chair, newly bought t's beach toys, my sexy straw hat, book in hand, my sandwich in bag, getting ready to lounge in the beach....T makes a headsup to the waters, those two mexican guys pulled him out and i just gave him the look, T understood what it meant.

Next two and half hours in water, runnig, getting washed, due to the hurricane in NC, the water level was very risky, but hi what an awesome weather, enough crowd. Next thing i know i copuldnt see my beach bag, nor any of my stuff around, perplexed i was walking to where my chair should have been...a lady is holding my nikon d90 and was asking me is this yours, i was like yeah....bummer....fuck fuck fuck....its all wet, sand everywhere, fuck, where the hell is my wallet and my phone...mamma....where are you? another lady with all my stuff, apparently due to high tides, the waves just came in too far "in" and they just rescued whatever they got hold of.

I thanked them half heartedly and just shoved them with the wet towel of t's and headed back to waters. We played for so L O N G. It must have built his appetite, he hogged down the pizza and we headed back to the room. Now that i cant even listen to my songs, i'm doing what i love next to it, you. Leave it to me and him, to break stuff.

(end of part 1) my phone and my dear camera are not working....thank god. Que sera sera...darling! 
(me thinking i'll take writing classes to learn how to write less) what says! 

Is life a tradition!

the record store girl in Pretty in pink states something that is quite interesting.

No no go ahead you can light that cig, i dont mind...let me pull the window down.

So is life a tradition, that we live because it's already charted out somewhere the way we have to follow the program or take little deviations here and there but still follow it to an extent that the other people around us and you and i, we all somehow are walking the same path.

Huh....

More so for women, i dont mean to sound feminist, which i'm, but at every little step of our growing up, we are supposed to be a certain way, follow the program, but then i guess the same goes for men too, the pressure for them to take care of thier families, succeed in what they do, if they arent even a little bit...god save the wrath they get from people around them.

Take me home...

We have walked,
in the fog of the dusk...

We have spoken,
in the darkest of the hour...

We have lent each other shoulders,
when our eyes escaped..

We've breathed in our souls,
when enraged...

Yet...

I'm the one you'll never see...
i'm the one who lives within...

I'm the faith you have in yourself
i'm the love you feel for yourself

And the next time...
when you and i walk

there'll be only one shadow in the light of the moon.

Out(spoken)

I cant believe i still have it in me.....When you rough up yourself, the not so rough moments take you by surprise.

I just want to grab by shoulders and scream my thoughts out and tell what it means, but then i wonder if it means anything to..... In these moments of indecision, i live a life that I've already prevailed. I inhabit in a landscape of memories I cant gather courage to sidestep EVER.

Will the unspoken conversations never see the day of their prominence, will those just fade away like the rest. 

But if they do see their day, would it bring any solace to the worlds torn apart, bring any calm to the worlds that exist unshared....I couldnt decide and still cant, but who am i to decide that, WHO ??? so those "secrets" (as the author eloquently puts it) will just dance along with me, even though i speak of things that hold no esteem. The storms in my head are spinning me to territories unknown and yet roots my feet to the familiar lands. (Dont ask me to decipher any of this, i cant, i wont, i may but i still wont.)

Can the silence be broken with such grace and bravery like the person who mailed the secret! Dream on, baby!

Recurring Festivities...

When a dear person asked me what is it exactly that we do for Eid, my head did chi-ching, what an idea for my blog.

Right about now, i cant stop sniffing my hands, they smell so darn lovely, i'm almost afraid to wash them, dont want the fragrance of Mehendi to go....after 10 years i broke the spell, i was so jittery when i sat for the mehendi, the girl noticed and asked why? I couldnt explain, i tried but didnt feel like she;s the right person who can absorb the enormity of my significance to the dark artistic lines on my hands. But i didnt justify the whole process, i was feeling hungry too, obviously i couldnt ask her to give me a bite of that cereal bar from my bag.

When Lunoo called to wish, her day dawned there and she's already celebrating it. Jijju, samad and shobi bhaiya all at the masjid, she and asad at home. Meetha, biryani all planned, i can just imagine my jijju sitting cross legges on the couch and enjoying his food to the last bit.

This morning, Ammi was eagerly waiting for the news of sighting of the moon on TV, she was like do you remember how you all would never be home and all you'd see is a nice clean house, kabhi ghar mein rehthey hi nahi thay....but i do remember ammi, all the house smelling of fresh flowers from the garden, fresh linen on the divans, beds, washed, and ironed table cloths, sparkling clean china, the lace curtains gently welcoming the guests coming in and out, big bowl of fruit salad, bigger bowl of semiya, the less fortunate waiting at the door step for the goodies.

As soon as baba and uncles are back from namaaz, we'd give our salams, all of us would get weighty eidi's, (i never knew what to do with it, so i;d give it to my mom). All the rush for wearing new clothes, mehendi the night before, the sweet sound of duas blessing gently exhaled on to our faces....the rush to get to breakfast.

All of baba's friends, collegues, poets dropping by to wish him, ammi making more and more of semiya, roasting kajoos, kishmish (whihc i'd always ask for more). No tv or movies were allowed that day, we only had to play with each other. Chacha, chachi, Phuppa, Phuppi, mama, mami, khalajaan and khalasaab, badey ammi and badey abbu.....all my cousins, the fabric of my childhood memories, my life as i know it, the constant ring of phones to wish eachother, swapping stories. Later as we were growing up, my brothers friends, practically living at our place the week before eid, to help us....ha ha.

The best memory is the aroma of briyani being fed by mehendi clad hands, it is so DIVINE. I wish i can bottle that fragrance, how my phuppijaan would always sneak secretly in more eidi (only to me).

God, i thank you for everything, the life, the home, the good friends old and new. This year instead of sorely sulking and missing every bit of it, i chose to relish the memories and live the day with those memories.

Miss hearing you baba, miss not receiving a card....I cant tell you how much! Baba, taran is growing up so much, i see you in him, i see a face so sweet and a voice so melodious...send him your blessings, yeah!

T

The one person who gives two hoots for me, he cried his eyes out calling for me, mamma please, please mamma no... his words were just piercing through me and felt the daggers. Miss Teresa held him gently and took him inside but fuck it's so bloody hard, i cnat take this, i've been through this, P comforted me but somewhere my wiring in my head is off when it comes to T, i cant handle it. God please take care of my baby....right abt now I feel so small....

He....I can't afford to....

(update later: Shanon and Miss J, assure me he stopped right after i left and was the happiest clam in the class....duffer, not fair, and i sat outside your school for 45 mts)

Sent from my iPhone

Divided by a line

The news of floods and the devastation followed by it in Pakistan, the displaced families, the kids, the women, the hungry mouths, the filth.....i just cried when i read the news of it, as i'm following it day in and out.

Whenever, i read such news, the image of pregnant women and her helpless kids and people in hospitals, comes to my mind, i wonder what i'd do if iwas ever stuck with my baby somewhere, what would i do, if dad was stuck in the hospital, the thought that some stranger helped in any way they could is comforting.

I think of all the strangers who helped us in the hospital when my dad wasnt well, in the airport when i was travelling with T alone, in Melbourne ALL the people who helped my sis.

I've made donations thanking all the strangers, but more so, because i have family there.

After days of not being able to reach them, when i finally did and spoke to my nana abbu, my anjum khala, some piece of mind came to me. I've met my nana abbu, naani and my other cousins only once in my life, but thru my nana abbu, i;ve been in touch with my anjum khala who lives in Harrisburg. Who is now visiting karachi after her retirement.

You see, we are a family separated by the partition, by politics, by something I dont agree with.

More than I, my mom, her siblings and her father (my grandfather) have seen it first hand. There is an entire generation of uncles, aunts, nana and nani, cousins, kids living in karachi and in different parts of pakistan. My badey nana abbu ( my grnadpa's older brother), is a darling of sorts. He calls all of us to check how we are doing, how our kids are, tried to even hook me up with a guy, when i was single hello!!! which ofcourse  didnt pan out.

If we all could help them in any way, we should, we must, to keep the humanity in our lives alive, to rest with the fact that we helped. Think Katrina, Think Haiti earthquake, Think Tsunami....think of the faces that were once safe in the cocoons of thier homes now just wandering for shelter....Think One life, One World.

What cant you wait for!

wow! that is so profound, i translate it as a life waiting to happen, a life bursting to live its course. What would i do, i'd go backpacking, i;d go open a pub in dublin, finish reading kafka books, i'd ride a gondola and sing "do lafzon ki hai yeh zindagani", (now thats silly) i'd like to get over the fear of being under water, i dont know, be more expressive, be less complicated, just sit by the champs-elysees or somewhere in south of france and sketch, live a smashing life in rjy, visit V on his film sets, set t off to see the world, want to see who'll be the friends i'll sip my drinks with...Just be myself...


Do you wonder what is it that you cant wait to do, to happen, to live, when you'll have nothing to lose? 

No head or tail

When I'm writing in my head I tend to work harder, like the task at hand seems like writing something .....
Like my words are transcended like strokes of letters at the task I'm currently at....you know what I mean, like when i fold laundry the act of folding is transformed into an alphabet...too hard ot explain.

Especially so when i have more than four thoughts clashing in my head to get my attention and i talk to myself and answer one and refuse the other and playfully tease the one left, pretending to ignore the fourth grumpy one.

Jonas mom mellisa said I looked cute, in  a world rare of compliments, I couldn't pass the opportunity to not share. If could be that carrying a buzz lightyear trike, hollering at t to walk on sidewalk not on the street, then I think I had fair chance of stopping John Abraham, if i was ever stuck on highway (why would i be stuck on the highway and why would john A be driving past, god knows why, just dont ask me, and go with the flow), and hop on to his truck and jamm to some dostana songs....wah meri jaan... Enough of ur imagination.

You are IT!

Woke up after putting my massive headache to bed,
spilled my chai all over, especially bad because there was no milk left...

Got a call from a dear friend that she is gone to watch eat, pray, love
I thought we were gonna watch together ; ( that did it, i had to get outta home full of people.

So what do i do....if you'd know me by now, you'd take a good guess...oh well, i cant blame you for not talking back.

i rushed outta home without even brushing my hair, head to the nearest B&N, got a grande latte with extra shot of espresso, which went straight to fix my heart and head aches...bought a cute cup with cuter affirmations, treated myself to "Girl with a dragon tattoo" book, sent a text to my abandoned friends hoping that the movie sucked and better yet there would be a power cut in the theatre....did all this in less than 15mts.

T and I walked to the playground, there ahem...., i was asked by a 5th grader and a 2nd grader, if i wanted to play tag. I just laughed out loud and asked them are you sure you wanna play tag, so thats what we did, we played tag, went down the slides, played hula hoops and just chilled to some V8 blueberry and pomegranate, which janya (the ungrateful one) says, "i didnt like it", but my shona says, I like it mamma : ) mera baccha, shona darling, muaah.

So what wins a movie out with friends in another state or playing tag with little girls? I cant tell you that.

aah the best part was it was just me and the kiddos, except maybe for a few guys playing tennis near by....

(from 2 weeks ago, bums me why i didn't post this)

Shona and i babble like this

I say yellow

He says Lellow

I say animals

He says aMInals

He asks who is this?

I say Bill Cosby

He says Bill Carsbee

He says "drive faster, faster..."

I say "buchi brother is right there"

I say taran is a गन्दा बच्चा 

He says "mamma is a गन्दी बच्ची"

I was so shocked the first time he said it, i ran and tickled him and we both giggled jumping on the bed. 

He says "Mamma can you please tell your hair not to touch my face...."

i drop my jaw and tell him, Why not taran, my hair smells good. 

I ask "Taran you want to go back to rajahmundry"

He says "I wanna go back to raj MUMMY". (Never heard a sweeter version of my hometown)

I say lets go back, it's not like I'll be missed here : ( 

Hi Happy birthday Kinetic, 

thank you doll....yeah...i get to be a leo too.

Happy Independence Day, desh mera. 

On the terrace...

Third day of fasting... seharis and iftaars by myself is no fun, missed my jeejs, he'd be so sweet to me. 

Right after sehari around 4.45am, i stepped out to the patio, the air was balmy and kinda warm, it surprised me. As i leaned on the railing, instinctively my eyes went up to the sky. For some strange reason, the scene of Shahrukh and Kajol's DDLJ came to my mind. The scene where he walks on the ladder to cross over and come to her side of the terrace, a cute scene, hmm it seems different than what i imagined. Anyway, I frankly think the subtle art of fussing over and doting on are totally lost somewhere. We all are so busy in our lives, racing minds for the next to-do, engrossed in .... 

Anyway, as silly a reflex of thought, I looked down from the patio, to see if shahrukh is in sight somewhere. Darn....everyday now right after sehari, i'll step out to amuse myself. 

With my arms across my chest i stepped back in.

How many can you count!

Not sure if i feel it in me to write these days, the point is missing me for sure there. There are days you couldnt stop me from pouring out my craziness, others i'm very unsociable and taciturn. i'm running a streak of it now....

but then i have drafts everywhere, little notes everywhere, tucked in my email, my heart, my head, my palms, my phone, some invisible ones sketched in the thin air, one such woke me up at 2.45am and couldnt put it back.

Gently uncurled taran's arm from me and headed to the living room with my phone in hand.

Thought of all the people who wouldnt mind if i'd call them at this hour, my count didnt go beyond 3 fingers. I'm thankful for that even, i wonder if i'd be on anyone's such count of fingers.

But then who'd answer a call at this hour, and cursed myself of that, these days odd hour is not the only excuse for not answering or returning the calls. My mistakes and incivilities predate me, i figured.

Drank water out of faucet, turned on the idiot box and watched the rest of my fave movie, Pride and Prejudice. The soft light of the moon from the blinds, the warmth from the throw, it seemed like i was on a mini 10 mts pay-vacation type of thingies. 

I dont know why i cant get enough of that movie, i only have seen it more than dozen times now. Jane, lizzie, mr. bennett the father, lydia, mr. bingley, my lovely misunderstood mr. darcy - what endearments am i allowed he asks ? 

I could more easily forgive his vanity if he hadnt wounded mine, Lizzie says --- now that couldnt be put more eloquently. Fell asleep to it on the couch. Why do i look so haggard V asks, i dont know why, but jee thanks.. But i cant wait to tell my count of buddies that i counted them and that dose of movie wasnt enough but i'll live with it for now. 

Where do you draw

the strength from...what makes you think sane, live sane, be sane, what makes you tolerate life's little and big unfairness. Is it a "happy place", a person, a kid, a hot cuppa tea, music, paintings, a familiar stranger, a voice across the oceans, a pet, a movie...something kuch bhi....or does it evolve as we go, as we grow, as we move in different compartments of life. 


For the longest time i've known, it has been my baba, my dad for me, for him i've tried to let my life seem livable for me, for him i'd make my life work, since he's gone, i'm dwindling, since he's gone, i'm so darn lost. 


For a brief moment, it seemed like i was not so lost, but then in my heart i'm....in my heart i'll never reveal, in my heart i'm a stranger to myself who'll let peek once in a blue moon...the rest is just one long night where stars shine bright like distant pebbles in water under sun. 


Listening to the droll humm of the dishwasher....


aaj kuch gana nahi merey play list mein...

Zara zara tum ho merey

Zara zara paraye....main...hum hum...

I once went out to watch a movie with a friend in hyd, sudarshan theater, evening show, arrived late, walked past few people to get to our seats, I was into first 20 mts of the movie and my pager was going off, beep beep, the people next to me gave me one of those looks not sure what sound was it, and where was it coming from. i quickly made a futile attempt to search for the pager in the dark,  I read the msg and decided to call after the movie, but then it went beeping again i knew i wouldn't be forgiven for not returning the call, maybe i didn't want to be forgiven, maybe i wanted to hear the gentle wrath i usually get.... so I excused myself to come out and call. I stated my reason for the delay but I wouldn't be heard of...

For reasons I'll never share with you my doll, that movie has been my all time fave Telugu movies. As I went to AUS, one of the songs from that movie, actually only the first two lines of that song, I made graffiti of it on the bare closet door in my room to have a piece of .....around.....(for which I got so much trouble into by the house parents, when i was moving out of their chatra chaya, she complained so much about how she was going to remove the graffiti, she even claimed that i have to come back and repaint the door, i said that would be the last thing I'd do, white wash my memory away, unh unh...no way, i should have a picture of the closet door somewhere).

Laxman the srilankan chef dude going to the same uni as I, the nicest person you'll come across, wonder where he is now, anyway he once came to my abode with sheebu, and asked me what that graffiti meant,  i said i wouldn't share with you, but he liked the kites, the strings and the bows i drew around it, asked me whose picture was it on the table. Then he looked at me said, wait you are not going to tell me right....

Kal woh movie dekha....and i remembered this incident, felt happy, felt sad, felt like holding on to it, felt like just one more time, i'd like that back.  I even remember the pastel peach salwar i was wearing, which coincidentally my mom irons and lays it in the closet for me to wear whenever i'm home. I fit effortlessly into it, even now, says ammi.

On my PL...Kailash kher is blessed with such a rustic voice ....

tere dar pe jhuka hoon, mita hoon, bana hoon, 
marammad mukkadar ki kardo moula, mere moula
mujh me hee woh khushboo thee jo thune milwaya--- now thats a good line.

tut ke bikhar na mujhko zaroor aata hai
warna ibaadat wala shahur aata hai
.....Ab jo tumne thukraya to sawar naa paaunga

Terrific lyrics mr.j.

It's raining here and dark as my mood.

maybe the title of this blog should be marammad mukkadar ki kardo moula. the month of ramzan starts from aug 8th says ammi. i didnt fast at all last 2 years i should this time.

all 3

My new swanky fossil watch (well its not really a new one, but not a old one too, it's just timeless) snugs well on my wrist and has been for the past few weeks. Totally diggin it. Aaj lunchmein dorito chips, by god, my body will just refuse me as my mind is going round and round....i need a good old smoothie, but chai se mana lethi hoon. Koi tho lao meri chai, bewakoof.  

I came across these secrets y'day and couldnt shake them off my mind, so what do i do best when i need to remember, i come to you babe. I even had a awesome dream, what with all the bike ride, black and white pliad shirt, under the big old tree in the front yard of my apt bldg in rjy...wah. thanks but jo bhi ho...

the first secret is really a kinda feeling i always wondered,  i remember some, some are so distant, some are so sweet, some are so heart breaking, some are so loving.... a song, a movie, certain foods, some gestures, some special days....whatever be it some of these moments are always close to you no matter where you are, who you are with, what you do....they just bring a smile and warm feeling to your heart, and u know you are ok. 

the second one, well, i had a similar experience few weeks ago and when i saw this one, i was wow'ed! while i was sweating and listening to Ishqiya's ab mujhey intezaar kahan, the entirety, the longing in her voice something made them little salty thingies drip over my cheeks,  i was first embarassed that others might notice, but when i tried and couldnt help it, i let them flow and didnt care if anyone else saw.

the third one is a realy sweet one, i dont wear contacts, but love the way the secret person feels that way, and here we are, with and without contacts, we take things, people for granted, we dont pay attention and feel the beauty in the daily things of our life. I know i kinda go back and forth on it, but oflate have been just missing the beat. 

A dear friend and i had a nice long chat and talked all about what we should have done when we had our bets straight. Someother life, she said, boy tha's too long was my reply. Men are just too .....well to each his own. 

Love you baby. Listen to this one, Kahin to hogi duniya..... splitting headache, gtg.

I'm such a nut job

Woke up from sleep feeling hungry and little lost....scoured the refrigerator to find 2 slices of pizza, i felt a great sense of relief and thanked gods for saving me some. Instead of getting to it right away, i put my hunger on hold, and unloaded the dishwasher, got to the pile of dishes in the sink, put the trash out, laid the unrest to rest by scrubbing the sink and the counter top. God knows why....i'm the way i'm. My idiosyncrasies get the best out of me....

I was looking ahead at Penn Center, Philadelphia y'day and suddenly remembered the first time i went to Philly ever.

Anyway, right about now totally dig the down time after a day full of....actually i dont want to talk about it. I only want the silence to wrap me in its blanket and take me to a place i wish to be... aah my fave song on iheartradio can we pretend, cool, i really could use a wish right now, i wonder how many are we all allowed before we use up all of them.

Now that i ate pizza, i'm feeling guilty for my waist line, i shouldnt have eaten, bugger. I should learn to be in control of all my pangs.

Rent my life

Girls like me, with dads like mine are bound to expect so much from thier lives, somehow somewhere we need to realize that not all men are alike. We got to pick our battles and settle.

I was reading something that reminded me of my dad's one of gazillion sweet gestures for me...

After i left for AUS on the day of his b'day, feb 3rd, (this is a blog in itself) during our routine weekend calls I'd frequently bring up conversations about our peaceful life in rjy, our apartment there, my school, my friends, my two ponytails, my tuitions, my fed up teachers who'd rattle on me to my mom.

Anyhow, on this particular trip back home to rjy, we were walking past that same apartment, when we ran into the owners of the same apts, who are our family friends too. That uncle said something i couldnt make head or tail of and asked dad later what he meant of it.

With one arm wrapped around my shoulder, he casually informs me that he had rented that same apartment for 2 years, just paid rent for 2 whole years, no one lived there, ONLY because i always talked about it, because he wanted me to have that piece of world, a sweet place i cherished, a place where my memories could linger little longer while i was away. Coincidentally, ammi was also living in rjy at that time, in our own home. Yet, my baba rented that apt for my sake. I love you baba....

I wish i could do more for you, i wish for another chance, i wish for you.

On my PL

Flying w/ no directions....

I wait for the words to glide back to me....

i wait for the light to soak me up....

i wait for the music to whisper to me....

i watch as the world and i, aren't exploring eachother....

i ignore as my fave part of day and i tiptoe quietly....

i embrace the empty boxes and the lost dreams within....

????

And then as i look down i notice unaccounted for ....

cuts on my fingers....

dark bruises on my legs....

hot oil spats....

????

almost rear ended a car today....

Spain won and with their jubilations, i was with my mom and dad in spirit....

????

And then some nights she seems to rest my flights ....

????

And then worst of all, i feel lonelier than i was before....

I'll have to remember to do the thing i use to do when i was in Goldcoast....

????

He and I

My split lip was just swollen enough to make a crooked smile, if my jaw wasnt hurting i didnt know what was, T's headbutt at 3 am felt like zizou's to marco in the last world cup. It just throbbed like f*****g hell.

But as i got into the car, i didnt know he was already in there. Unknowing of his presence, while driving on 202, with a hint of satire he spoke gently. i was mildly surprised but ready to listen and his voice drenched my flow of thought... i may have been driving, but my eyes were looking at windows of my life in hyde, gold coast and many many other times when he was there and i didnt realize it.

He speculated...

"aaj zindagi ke rubaroo aagaye

zindagi ne pucha dard kya hai,

kyon hota hai, kahan hota hai ye bhi tho nahi jaanta..

tanhai kya hai akhir, kithne log tho hai

phir tanha kyon ho,

mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha,

mein tumhari judwa hoon..

mujhse naaraaz na huwa kar..."

To each his own, but what poetic justice to the nucleus of life. Each word, each word depicting the baffle, the perplexity is beyond me. When she says ..Jeene kay liye socha hee nahi dard sambhal ne hongey...musku rau tho, musku raaney kay, karz uthar ne honge... it just hit north of home. While growing up, i felt so invincible, i couldnt be touched, very few survived the wrath of being close to me, and that never made me think that dealing with life comes with such growing pains.

The ironic part was, i heard him talk to me over the last decade or more, but when he spoke this time, it felt real, it felt like his words were sweeping my hair back and i didnt know what to say, with my eyes gazing at the windows of my life and my hands on the steering, i lightly nodded while barely trying to smile as my lips HURT.

As i turned the ignition off, pancham also powered off.

Thanks Gulzar ji.

Until next time i unexpectedly find him...khudahafeez...

Who'd I call

My dear baba, abbu, pappu, gundu, my all...

Happy Daddy's day!

For a dad, who taught me to respect myself, who taught me to be confident, who taught the
importance of equality, who encouraged me to be all that i feared, who taught to fail
doenst break you, the journey of reaching the destination is all that matters...for most who
taught me to love, lose and face it...

 

Love the way you are holding mom's hand...
 

From all three of us....we are and never will be the same without you around, but...
 

As always i know in my heart you are with me, in spirit, in love around me and that wants me to be all that you wished of me.

Promise to come back soon...promise to meet me through someone, everyone i meet.

I miss calling you, i miss all that came with you, and not able to welcome all that's gone with you.

Happy Fathers day to the world of dads who make the world a fun, cool, sweet, protective place for their daughters, sons and all.