my diary

who, what and where...am i! Seems like everyday i present myself with a new me. i'm perplexed and wonder what more can i bring to myself. Really, why is it that i'm so aware of these situations. now that word situation, it takes me to the meeting i recently had few days before i quit.

Last...i dont know what day of the week it was, tagging along my son in the cart, i found myself picking up Oscar De La Renta's camisoles at sams club, the very next day i was buying svaroski's ear candy, and cutting a clip of cute dress from fossil's fall catalog to stick on my fridge to remind me of the shoes i have tucked in the basement. While i was in the salon with the desi gal doing my eyebrows, i flipped through pages of Lucky mag, onthis certain page it featured what the editor would like to buy for that week, and ironicaaly it featured the pencil skirt i so splurged on and wore it work and so loved the feel of it. i felt tall, i felt beautiful, i felt sexy, i felt foxy...i got all that for a 45 fucking dollars worth of a skirt. maybe i should buy more of those. but then again i find myself in the strange aisles at wholesale stores! fuck jeez i dont know who i've become. Has being a mom stripped me out of the need to look good. I've given 80% of my clothes shoes and accessories to good will.

when i'm at these so called wholesale or boutique stores, i wonder what do the other shoppers see me as, am i the bland looking gal with bad hair day, who am i to these people, am i the one with "why the hell are her pores so big", "why is she wearing sweat pants on a hot day". Do they see me as a what i put out there, do they see me by the way i speak, do they see me by the name on my credit card. i dont know if it matters to me because i dont know what i'm thought of. Not knowing doesnt bother me, it bothers me that i want to know and do something about it.

Dream doodled...

in drawing....

Way before is started hopping around here and there, way before when i use to call "college" as "college" and not school....when i was preparing for my final exams, i preferred to study alone just a day before exams...if it's mid morning i use to take my books and haul my ass off to the terrace at Dattasai apts, bring a chair and just stare into the bright fluffy clouds hanging over here and there, the VST facory's large building, lot of grays in the white and all the buildings seemed distant from where i was sitting. i can pin point to the moment that i knew i was moving on in my life, i was growing up, i wont be who i was then, i'll bemore of a person with more to learn, these exams were just for the sake of...so i picked up my pencil, laid my feet on the concrete, gently dropped the books on the floor and started doodling....i doodled a home with a perfect porch, a car, a place to hang your rainy coat, the ivy to grow...my dreams to build and grow, my window to the world and the cute cutains....everything was there.

i wish i can find that book and see how close i got to where i'm now.