Tragic Tragedy

got a text early morning 3.04 am from my nana abbu in pakistan about tragic passing in my family in Harrisburg.

What unfolded next is lot to for me to deal with. I spoke to my khala on way to work, her recount of what happened to my cousin, his accident, just everything shook me to the core.

I couldn't stop thinking of her, nor my cousin. It wasn't possible that he was gone and that too in such a tragic way. It is not my story to share, it is his actually and if anybody else his mom's my aunts, so I'm not sharing this. I don't feel right talking about it, but it shook me up a lot, all these questions of why, how come, what went wrong - kept flooding in my head. not knowing who to reach out to in my "quest" for a lack of better word, for answers, I sought my sister's help. She comforted me in the way she could but i know i think my questions threw her off and made her little off track too.

I promised my aunt that I'll attend the funeral to be there for her. But next sat came and i didnt hear from her, so i thought things were still in works and didnt feel right interrupting her. but came to know on late sat that funeral went smoothly on Sat morning on that warm sunny fall day. He was buried the same day he was born. It was his birthday, the day he was funeral took place. I said my prayers in my heart. I called her on Sunday and promised to come visit her next sat, as she had stuff going on with her, she felt best to see only on weekends.

that following sat 25th oct, on my way to Harrisburg, all the points of my interaction with him, his dad who also passed away few months ago to cancer, his mom (my aunt), was flooding to me and the surrounding mountains with the picturesque fall trees seem to be engulfing me in a hug, in a comforting hug that i couldn't deny. My tears rolled and i cried going to her house. His audi truck was still parked outside.

She gently opened the door for me to welcome in her home, which she is now just visiting as her older son and his family lives there. That impeccable living room is now a accumulation of oversized furniture with unread mail scattered on the TV console. Kids shoes, laundry everything....was everywhere. This wasnt the OCD in me this was the old linku that went in thier old beautiful house now just a memory of a uncle who's no more, a son who's no more, a busy older son and my aunt who visiitng from another state.

We held hands and spoke and she poured it all out, as much as she truthfully can and i just listened with tears...god please give myaunt hte stregnth to deal with this part of her life. An unimaginable sorrow dawned on her and I felt she is holding me up.

I gave what i brought for her grandkids, promised to help her with her airline refund and left her home to visit another friend in town who recently bought a house. My friend was so graceful in not asking too many questions, fed me well which wasn't planned, my heart was crying but i couldn't let it go on it's own. Phir she and I kept talking non-stop for two hours until i left to drive back home.

I'm in awe of people, of families, of untapped strength and love, love with no judgments, love with no expectations, love just sheer love.

All my questions of why people do and behave a certain way, are now rested that the answer is -- there is NO answer, the answer is acceptance, the answer is being there for people, for family and friends. That's my take away and I wont ever forget that. I cant wait to share my lessons with my loving children until then i need to let the answer help me in anyway it can.

Halloween 2014

Oct 31st, Friday at Taran's school first and then at Tania's school - what a day...I should get pictures of their pumpkins too...had an awesome day with them.

      

Sent from my iPhone

Movie

Last day of summer holidays, day before school re-opens, however you put it, we worked very hard all of us this summer, my work, his summer camp, it was my small thank you, taran and I at movies, watched ninja turtle movie. Very special day for me....

My very own philsospher

Monday morning 11/3/2014: No for once weren't rushing go to work…everything was going as planned, Taran will get dropped at Elena’s house, I’ll drop Minnie J; I’ll pick bagels for work for Tara’s first day back from Disney vacay. Amidst all this, I was looking for that letter from USCIS and couldn't find it. I was sharing with Taran that I wasn't happy that I’m not able to find that letter.

My darling doll – replies, “Mamma, if you are not happy about one thing, you can’t be happy with anything”!!!! Amen to that my love, he got it bang on…its moments like this that he makes me super proud. It was instantaneous, his reply. Good one, my dear, I’ll remember that.

Sep 25th holiday

Halloween weekend 2014

End of the year is happening and activities, parties, get togethers, potlucks, they all seem to happen at the same time. This whole weekend was fun, pleasant….loved it. Fri morning, it strted with a party at Taran’s school, helped Mrs. Skalski a little bit, found out at giant they are selling halal chicken, personally thanked the Managers there, lol, they saved us trips to out of town to get decent meat. Fri afternoon, Tania’s parade at her school, omg they were so cute, I didn’t even mind when she threw a tantrum at the school entrance on our way back.

Fri night, went Trick or treating….was so much fun with Tania and Taran together. She started shy, she didn’t understand what was going on, but she got a hang of it soon enough, she kept saying tick or teet, and once she got her candy, she’d say, thank youuuu…people loved hearing her, she didn’t people to give her the candy, she wouldn’t even look at them if they gave her a candy, she had to choose it herself, that was  such a kicker to see, seeing her prance around in her Minnie outfit, eating candy as we got, she ate a good amount of sugar that evening…. Love them so much….taran seems to be outgrowing which is something to think about. He didn’t want to do it with his usual crowd, he chose us, Tania and I, soham, ashi, nishi and Krishav. We were a bunch…hearty bunch….

Sat morning a little touch up, laundry and prepping masala’s, marinating etc, napping, went to neighbors daughter’s first birthday party in the club house. It was perfect….

Sun it worked like a charm, woke up, V fixed simple bfast, I started cooking for the potluck, setting up…etc. Everyone came around 12-12.30 ish and it was fun. Played Mafia, got into fights, yelling at eachother, watching football meanwhile, eating, checking on kids…it was good, aunty (ashi’s mom) lost her eye glasses and we spent good amount of time looking for it.

Around late 4ish everyone left, put lil t to nap, the big T went for extended playdate and V went to DE to buy booze ha ha ha….

Quite evening watching my crime shows, thank you god for giving me a peaceful fun day. Oh wait, especially, thank you god, for letting me receive the letter from UCIS with approval for Ammi’s GC.

Sesame Place

What a gorgeous day! I was expecting quite the contrary and almost wanted to bail out. But i'm glad i went. It was super fun...kids had a blast, we girls had a blast. Sep 21st sun at sesame place with ashi, ashi's mom, isha, sohi, nishi, krishav, myself and my sweety pies. Somehow missed luna, samad and asad a lot. 

Sent from my iPhone 

Happy mamma

Happy My birthday

Tania has been sick for past few days and the night before my bday she decided to wake up every half hour during night because she was hungry. I woke up like a zombie, but the handwritten and handmade cards by kiddos cheered me enough to keep up my best, and my new versace perfume. Somehow made to work, but all day, getting emails and messages from luna, bhaiya, samad, asad, yuva, rekha, carl, priya, ashi, deepa....it just made my day. Not being on FB has made it more authentic to celebrate and feel what i want to feel rather than ....whatever. I decided to survive the day and come back home. Just as sun dawned, all my friends...dropped in to surprise me with cake and gifts and it was awesome, felt very good. Phir, just the four of us went to dinner at PFChangs and had a blast, took a stroll later...it was just wonderful day. I thanked god for everything, especially the people and giving me an experience of a good day.

     

K class field trip

Sent from my iPhone

Sneak a peek vid

Sent from my iPhone

Sneak a peek

He's growing up fast and i'm reminded of it everyday from his mannerisms, his changing body, his clothes. First Grade !!! it's like life in official way has begun for him...my son is getting ready and prepped up to face the real world, life experiences will not spare him, the sweet, the sour, the harsh and rough waves will all embrace him and I need to be there for him, guide him, let him make mistakes, let him live it all. I'll always miss his childhood. I'm getting teary....All i know my doll is you are my love and you have given me the most precious gift of you being in my life. Learn life and soar high...be good and do good. Pics from sneak a peek on Aug 28th 2-3pm at MCH, Mrs. Skalski is his first grade teacher, i like her, she's personable. There's no air about her, she seems approchable :) Most of his Kindergarten friends are in other classes, except Owen, Connor and there are few from Mrs. Baer's class that he's familiar with. He didnt complain, so i'm not either.

At Bath, UK

This was such a fun whirlwind kinda trip.

July 29, 2006 i think 

Birthday Card

i just love him to bits....he makes my world go merry :) 

A lot of first's

Sept 2nd 2014, taran's first day of first grade school. He was so excited, i was a nerve wreck, it's official, he officiated his school life and it'll be something else to see him go through this. 

Around 4pm Eden left a message, that Taran was with her.....I was shocked, why is he with you, shouldnt he be in aftercare at school. Apparently he got in the bus and rode home and was just there at the bus stop. It was beyond my understanding...why and how he got on the bus and what was he going to do if eden wasnt there? I drove frantically....picked Tania up, picked taran up! In midst of my figuring out about this incident, we didnt get a chance to talk much about his first day at school. 

Breezed through some cooking, and rushed to first day of soccer practice at Thornbury park....the drive was halfway through to my work. Half hour through the practice, they wanted us to evacuate due to lighting and thunderstorm. The drive back home was very interesting, zero visibility, heavy rain, two kids in the back, driving on single lane roads....

Some moments of the roaring sky just before the storm hit! 

  

  

  

Sent from my iPhone

look ahead

I read a pin – if you are feeling lonely you are in bad company. It's hard to admit but I know what that means, last sat aug 9^th I said to myself, no more, no more and no more, just look ahead, don’t look back!

i wish me luck!

Curiosity

An old friend was visiting Chicago from Hyd, as our custom to be in touch when we are “in the hood”, he called. After few missed calls we did touch base. In our usual teasing and throwing jabs at each other, he said something that made me feel good about myself.

There are stories, incidents, and many hours of time we all friends spend together in Gold Coast, Aus. In familiarity with that, one of them kept bugging N and took him back into memory lanes and flashbacks, which he wasn’t very happy about. He was sharing that convo with me, to offset it, I said “N, I want to know too, what happened, pls tell me because I’m so curious”….he replied “you know, linku, you don’t look like a curious person”!!! I smiled, we spoke of other important things in our lives and hung up after few minutes.

But something about what he said and how he said, struck me. In such moments it dawns that how we portray ourselves and how we speak – leaves an impression of who and what we are. He’s right, I’m not curious, I never was, I take people as they come and let them go, I hope they know what I mean in their lives. When friends in a relationship break up, its sad but it's their calling, I couldn't choose one over the other, they both are wonderful friends in my life and I couldn't pass one over the other. So I chose to be friends with both, yet I never spoke about one to the other. We shared moments as new friends with new members of family. But I couldn't be the awkward influence of the past. I’m glad I did, everyone I know is in a good place in their lives and I’m good friends with all.

Relief

I have deactivated FB since last sat – aug 9^th, after a huge epiphany that sat afternoon. I haven’t missed it since, actually there’s huge relief….as I was planning a friend’s baby shower  and i had to re-login to get in touch with few girls. Except that I didn’t feel the urge or the curiosity to. I’m surprised that it’s not bothering me, its saving me tons of time and I feel lighter not having to know all the goings on.

Butterfly

This morning, Taran, did not want to go to the camp, he wanted to stay home and kept asking me to work from home, I couldn’t, I feel so crappy when i say no to him. Time is slipping by, he is growing up and the choices we make, make it harder to spend quality bonding time. I hate myself for that,i hope someday he’ll know what I mean.

Tania knows when i'm leaving, and gets very upset! Her crying and sad droopy face...is hard to get past! the woes of working mom are too pricey! I love you much my loves...

On my way to work, I heard Matthew Hussey’s interview on Elvis Duran show and felt like sharing what I heard. It’s dating advice interpreted as a story about a butterfly. There are three kind of human behaviors and patterns. 

In one instance when a exotic thing as a butterfly lands in a person’s hand, some don’t even have time to look at the beauty and wonder of  a butterfly so the butterfly leaves…it goes away, it knows it's not valued.

In the second instance, when the butterfly lands in a person’s hand, the person is so terrified that such a beautiful thing finally landed with them, that they hold it tight, so what happens to the butterfly in such case…. it gets squished or it tries to look for creaks to escape.

In the last instance, when the butterfly lands in a person’s hand, the person puts his other hand around the butterfly to shield it from the wind.

When you are with someone – that person and you should be like that to each other. You both would know what I mean when the right time comes, until then don’t waste your time with people who cant lend the kind hand or be the butterfly in your lives.

http://www.elvisduran.com/media/play/love-advice-matthew-hussey-dishes-about-24539286/

In the same show, he talked about people who are always teasing as being playfully teasing - and how that can be very exhausting. Yet, there are some who are always so earnest and intense, that it can get boring....wow! Neither is a good thing, the balance of knowing when to be teasing and plyaful and when to be earnest is the tie breaker. 

I wish that for both my kids. My experiences are coming in at a steep cost and leading to dead ends, and not knowing the wealth of information and life experinces out there, is taking me many steps back. 

Rain

It rained all night and through a good part of the morning, I couldn't help but feel that even gods and the skies cry - when Robin Williams is gone.

I saw a movie of his when i was in Australia, something about what came across on the screen to me, left a deep impression in my young mind. I love him since....when i read the news as much as it shocked me, i understand how it feels sometimes with darkness of life that is beyond comprehension.

It seems like since dad passed away, all good in life is going away behind him. Just chill biting reality is left behind for us mortals.

PS: I just looked up, its "Jack", the name of the movie that i saw in Brisbane.

In an interview with Robin Williams.Asked whether he was happier in his life, he responded "I think so. And not afraid to be unhappy. That's OK too. And then you can be like, all is good. And that is the thing, that is the gift."

Life seems longer than ever before, now....

Life seems longer than ever before, now....

I wish I could rest my head on my dads lap while he's reading and he has his other hand in my hair...
I wish I can tip toe in the room while my Ammi is doing her namaaz...
I wish I can see the pride in my Jijju's eyes when he talks about my nephews
I wish I could see my sister race a marathon....
I wish I could see v direct his movie...
I wish t to have a beautiful love story...
I wish I had bottled a voice...
I wish I could see .....

Sent from my iPhone
From oct 23, 2010

A 7.10 to Vermont...

This is from few months ago, june 16th, 2010....a draft left drafted, though it's late...i'll be true to the thoughts here as always and wont change a thing.

Monday saw me stretch myself to the point that i was almost hoping i'd wrap sooner and head back from NY, but while i was there i was hoping i'd run into anyone i know. But lo, it gave my pride much needed strokes, when someone approached me to ask directions to go to Madison Sq. Garden, thinking i was a new yorker, hell, u cant deny that i'm a new yorker by heart, i'm a philadelphian by heart, i'm hydi by heart, but my heart is much more capable of just being a city. huh...good one

For being a little cocky and late as usual, i paid in full by missing my earlier train back home. What a good thing, i got in the next one the 7.10 to vermont, and met this amazing person with such a smooth voice, i could have fallen asleep but what he was saying, what i was listening, what i was sharing was so amazing.... i wished it wasnt him...but it was him, it is the person you want to meet, see, talk to. The next 2 hrs just breezed away like the train whizzing past.

With the sun flashing at me directly, i was shielding myself with my hands and he said i looked great that way... i just smiled. i was hungry, he kindly offered to go to amtrak's little restaurant cabin at the end of the cabins, but i refused.

He and i then talked about books, music...oh this was the best part...he talked abt how the composition of music is so amazing that he knows how to make a beat, vainly i said, i dont get the science behind making a beat, but i know one, when i hear one....so he says the most surprising thing, u must love to dance then...i couldnt beleive he said that. i beamed, its true i love to dance, i dance while cooking, i dance while washing dishes, i didnt tell him all that but ...he nodded knowing...there are 2 ways a person enjoys the nature of music....aahh...

then came spirituality....i mentioned the book "Shack", which i found profoundly inspiring. It's about god, forgiveness, and all that...he shared his sony reader "What we ache for" by Oriah Dreamer...i sorely missed something that i returned recently....me sorry doll.

Aisey waisey....baton baton mein...i said it's gorgeous out today, he had his work laptop out, pointing to it, he said "this part is easy", then he pointed out to the window and said that "part is hard, beautiful but hard", i rested my hand on my chest, just wanting to be close to myself, when he said, "that part is hard too, matters of heart", i affirmed "you mean love", "girl we should have started this conversation when the train started"....buss...

we talked, wondered what actually it meant...after a long conversation, he summed what i felt, it's a connection, it's when you let someone grow, it humbles you, you do irrational things, it's not physical, it's not mental, it's a connection.

30th was arriving in 20 minutes, they annouced. i had to get off there, he was heading to delaware, we wished we had more time to talk.

the best part was....when we shared the sunset through the train window, like kids, we pointed excitedly as the sun was playing peek-a-boo...without pretensions i told him, what kinda music i liked, i think thats when the conversation about beat and dance came along.

Talking about sunsets, i told him, i live in a corner lot, i see sunsets almost on a daily basis, but i dont pay attention to them now, he said, you need to step back...i said that should be a caption for an ad.

Step back huh...

End to begin

hmm...i'm bored...

As he sat in the passenger seat of the car next to her, they both didn't know what to say to each other, except that they were quite taken that life brought them back to each other one more time.

Like always he instinctively ran his fingers through her hair. As much as she was caught off guard, she didn't stop him as the familiarity of the situation wasn't startling.

As his fingers touched the scalp the memories of days left behind gushed to her. She wanted to ask him what does he remember of those days gone by, but couldn't muster the idea or words to frame them in.

She kept driving and he kept talking of his days now... Until it was time to say good bye.

A story that saw its end even before it started....

--- i like this...it's authentic...i dont know why i didnt post it...go breathe the life...


Sent from my iPhone

I love Love Stories

I do...and they lived happily ever after...

On a sunday afternoon, right after watching "I hate love stories", V nods his head in disbelief and smilingly announces, i'm like that girl in the movie, all dreamy, full of drama, confused, lives on a cloud, blah blah blah...

well, one thing might be true, i always look for signs, coincidences, strange connections.

- from sep 2010

strangely enough for the past few years, i'm transformed. I hate love stories, i dont understnad them now, i cant be bothered by the mess of love, i guess...whatever...

Kindle

i need to put more books on this....(from dec 29, 2010)

What is going on in this world!

There is so much havoc going on everywhere you see, everywhere you turn around. Last night, while reading BBC i saw the news of a young man being shot by Pakistani paramilitary soldiers. To top it off, all this was shot on camera. Just reading that news disturbed me so badly, i feel such despair and hopelessness in humankind for such merciless killing. What shit it is, such bleakness....i feel sick in my stomach.

On homefront, in Orlando, the face of Caylee A. is haunting me. Being a mom myself, it's too hard for me to understnad how anyone, anyone could fathom putting a duct tape over a childs mouth. It's too graphic for me, its surreal. F***, f***, F***. My heart aches so fucking badly. I'm following news just so that something makes sense to me, but it doesnt. Nothing does.

Oh god! All in the name of what, why....Unrests that are tangible is downright dehumanizing and senseless. I pray for both of you, two people who were victims of such horrible acts.

- from jun 10, 2011 12.32 pm

Spread the word !

I was in the lunch room making my noon tea, and this guy was reheating his soup in the microwave, it’s like 3pm. Not knowing that I was unleashing a power in him that was waiting to get out, i asked him isn’t it too late for lunch..and bingo. He revealed his secret to weight loss, can u believe he lost 11 pounds in 3 weeks, isn’t that awesome. ! I asked what does it take, he said eat plenty vegetables more often during the day! What about exercise, I wondered loud..well that too whenever u can, he continued.

I wished him luck and thought I have to check this out and spread the mantra. After exactly 2 minutes, he comes to my desk to show the article that enlightened him, and moved on to make copies for me too! (At this point, I was wondering did he think I was fat or was he too enthusiastic to share his wisdom) eaah…I really didn’t care, but I’m glad he shared his secret with me, by this time both of us didn’t know our names, so we introduced ourselves, so he is Ken and I’m ME : )

The next time we’ll see each other in the hallway or lunch room, probably I’ll have something to tell him too. Until then, maybe a hi ! down the hall should do…

- an old post from sep 15, 2006 - out now :)

All GSK consultants in Philly Dim sum place

By the thread

Dont we all feel this way, sometimes!

Between there and here, is when the life goes by you and you wonder how did you get there. Good luck to everyone trying to figure it out,  for the ones who already figured it out and for ones who cant imagine why everyones is trying so hard. xoxo

Courtesy i.am.rebecca

- from March, 29, 2011 - posting today :) 

Are you trusting....

Can you open up yourself to peole who you have met recently...can you share....can you open yourself to the point of being judged. I asked a friend, and she said....? - from feb 2011

At sharp 12.50pm

The bus with tourists spilled here and there, started the day tour to Windsor Castle and Stonehenge from a designated hotel. Amongst others, we noticed a lady from Chinese descent was busy chatting away on the cell phone.

The drive through the busy lanes of London leading to the highway towards the Windsor castle went uneventful, while the guide was sharing the tidbits of architecture and infrastructure of the city.




When we reached the quaint little Georgian and Victorian town of Windsor, the guide walked us through the entrance and told us in his heavy Briton accent to meet him back at the bus, down the hill at 12. 50pm. I was delighted that we can explore the chapel and the whole castle by ourselves. After checking the hall of Garter, Tipu Sultan’s robe, sword, the beautiful Chapel and the guards with their black fur hats…we could hear our stomachs grumble. Just outside the castle we discovered a beautiful stretch of pubs, Italian and Chinese restaurants. We settled on Chinese, to not much of our surprise we found the girl from the bus busy at another table. She proceeded towards us to confirm what time we had to be back at the bus. Vamsi, loyally, replied at 12.50pm.

As the time was nearing, Vamsi and I started the walk down the hill by the cobbled lanes, old buildings and the old steam train towards the parked buses. We sighted few buses leaving….but as we came closer, to my horror, I realized the bus we were supposed to be on, wasn’t there, hmm….did it leave ! They couldn’t have, they cant, can they !

Vamsi, who was momentarily saner of us two, went to another parked bus driver to ask what happened. The bus driver who was busy smoking, looked at him without a hint of recognition. He told us the red bus from Victoria Station has just left. He was actually upset and sympathizing with the driver who had to delay his schedule waiting for us! hello ! we are the ones who are stuck !

We didn’t have a cell phone on us nor did we have a no to call, there was nothing we could do to make it better. While I was panicking, Vamsi found a lighthearted moment. He spotted the Chinese girl leisurely walking towards the buses and us. He couldn’t stop laughing and I couldn’t help getting angry and be mildly amused by this unfolding drama, what can I say, misery found company! If it weren’t for us, she would have come back to catch the bus sooner, huh !

As it evolved, all three of us were generously offered a lift back to town in the bus full of Italians, an upset driver and a charming tour operator. The rest of the day was full of unexpected trips to Madame Toussard’s, a cruise on river Thames, and of course window shopping at Harrods’s.

The cream of the cake was the following day, when the original bus company offered a day tour to Stonehenge and the Roman Bath and said that the day before we were expected at 12.15pm not 12.50 pm. Yup…

- this was in drafts for over 7 years...omg - wrote this and never published on jul 27th 2006. A year before T was born.

In Paris

 

Banana

I pack my kutty boy's lunch with extra smiles, just so that he knows how much i think of him!

Lunch Dessert

Arm candy

My bubba's and mine --- love you my love...

- from apr 4, 2011 go go go get out there and breathe your moment

Cake

- from aug 28, 2010 - i like the pic so instead of deleting i'm posting it. been in drafts too long.

My love!

Bird Bath ....

Nesting within

Ever wonder what makes us settle where we are, who we are with...i bet lot of people out there dont have to think of all these, for some it comes and goes, for some they simply live with it.

As i opened my front door and saw this nest in the little high bush in front of my house, i was so honored, i said thank you to the bird, i saw her lay eggs, i saw her hatching them, feed them, protect them, then one day....no chirpy sounds, no beautiful sights of them birdies....

i miss you all, wherever you are, have a happy life, thank you for choosing my abode for the few days you really needed to.

muuah.

_ From May 31, 2010 - finally posting it....