Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Ever wonder...


While brushing my teeth, IDK why I was think what would V say at my funeral, I had a feeling....

While driving to work, the same thought came. Then the thought about what is love – kept haunting me – it’s definitely not romance or grand gestures. Maybe it is if it’s coming from place of affection.

But just that is not love. Being in love is showing that you care. Helping out and clearing obstructions from each other’s way, encouraging, trusting and spending tiny bit of time with the opposite person.

I felt something in me breaking like crumbling today. I’m not angry anymore, my wishes my hopes are not dear anymore to me. I’m not seeing what I use to see but I’m not shocked by it. I have come to accept the simmer of heat slowing fading away. 



Tuesday, October 02, 2018

Care?

To come to think of it, I don't think anyone really cares. Think about it...as sad as it feels like, I dont think anyone cares enough that can change your truth of life.

Even if they do, they have conditions on us to deal with our stuff. The words once out of your mouth and the way you see it - profoundly changes once it's from someone else's words. The stress in certain emotions than your's and the whole dialect / meaning changes.

We must live mediocre lives, the things we worry about, the things we feel are at stake, the things we tie ourselves to, its like we can't live past them.

It's really an illusion, it whatever it is - only real only constant in that moment. Once the moment passes - it's all up for interpretations from various sources.

In my path of self-reflection I feel I haven't lived enough. We are living somebody else's life. 

Visibility

I feel I've become invisible to my own self. It's like I don't exist....my actions, my routine is something I go as part of what is expected of me. IDK if I'm who I'm or an extension of me going through this cycle of moments. So fucking weird.

https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/cheesy-stuffed-baked-potatoes/

Monday, October 01, 2018

Sleep Over

My baby had a first sleep over at home with Hailey, 9/28. 

I made pillow fort in ammi's room, ordered and picked up the pizza, got mini pumpkins for them to paint, they watched a movie, ate junk in the middle of the night, I read a book for them - bernstein brothers - going to credit union!!! it was so sweet - we went to Ruby's for breakfast and concord township park and dropped her home. it was crazy sweet. 

Though my baby's voice was barely audible - due to cold I think- she had a blast. 

Monday is picture day and my baby is the "fish of the week" - i had so much fun putting otgether the pictures for her class.

Out of Control

Most of the days it feels out of control

https://youtu.be/fD0_FSsa8Go



After 3 glasses of rose (mionetto) and listening to gulzar - memories happen in my world. On most of the days when everything feels out of control - Saturday night - though I didnt plan - as cooking fish curry, I blocked out my thoughts, my sights, and just went with headphones on. For a little bit - i experienced a little bit of freedom.

I took to FB and posted something to two of my old friends but I was in the Gold coast in the living room looking out. THAT GIRL!! is she gone- she can never resurface. No matter what people say- the truth that comes across you, you can't unsee it. The pinch of it is there, the sourness lingers, the beauty you realize is to live with the ugly parts of it.

I wasn't drunk because I'm too conscious of it, my mind always makes me aware of it. I was though border line right there- what made it so special was Gulzar's voice with Ghalib and Jagjit singing it in my head, I was being overtaken by all of them, and their words were washing me.

I wanted to call an old school friend, who called me to say that he was going to RJY :) so sweet... but I have nothing in common with him except that we knew eachother in school, so I let that pass.

I wanted to handhold and walk with the girl (myself) who had tears rolling down as she was sitting in the meeting. I masked it very well but wondered if the 2 guys noticed. I doubt it.

Maybe depression is on the lurks or maybe not and i'm making room with it. My life and it's decisions that I took and the minute details that led me to them - all of them are standing in front of me and questioning me, why? why did you bring me here? why didnt you reach out for help? why didnt the people around you who saw you throwing your life away - say something.






O


💌 Here's a collage for you from PicCollage. 😀

Created using Pic Collage. http://pic-collage.com

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Phila Cary Summer 2018

Created using Pic Collage. http://pic-collage.com

 

 


Last week 8/2 through 8/9 and this weekend were quite eventful. 

Kids and I went by Amtrak to Cary and LOVED it. When the train would stop at few stations or cross the rivers and you see the water bodies as far as the eye can go without any outlines of cities nearby, the sight of my kids my lifelines absorbing the sights, playing, napping, whining and mostly enjoying the ride it made me feel all worth it. We did business class on our way to NC and big T enjoyed getting his soda and eating the leftover noodles from PF chang. It was a 7 hours journey that had a story to it – the train stopped near Charlotte or something like that, they rode the train back to Rock Mount and switched the CSX engines with another goods engine and after lot of time spent getting approvals – in all 3 hours of wait – we made it to Raleigh, Mastaan came by to pick us up.

The visit to cuz and her family was full of moments of fun for kids, and us. The snip it’s of the vacay – I can’t bottle it in few words, but I’ll try for my own chronicles. Mission impossible with kiddo’s was SO fun. Dinnu enjoyed the bike ride scene in Paris, the kids took turns interrupting during the movie for potty breaks…like really…we were at such an intense important scene and they wanted to go….lol it was funny but we took care of them.

Next day we headed to NC science museum – I was truly amazed by it – it had no bells and whistles – but every floor was full of interesting stuff to look and do. The blue whale skelton, the dog that sniffs the whale’s potty and detects where it is…lol. The 3d dino show, the lunch at afro café – kids madly swapping hats – we were there till the time they announced it was closed. Drove back home to go to pool – boy did they get the most of it.

Next day we went to USS battleship – wowee – that was huge and breathtaking to see all the warfare, big T lost his Eagles hat there. The marines how they lived in the battleship, their arrangements to eat, sleep, live, doctors, chefs, laundromats, salons, shoe shining places that was just a small gist of it, the majestic cannons the flags, the wartime paintings etc, it was amazing.

We drove to Carolina beach from there. What do you do on a sunny day at beach – you head for lunch yeah…lol…not to forget the kids have been nicely fed all morning at different pit stops. Ruhaan and lil T – we went to change at the Hampton inn express, we kinda sneaked in…maybe we shouldn’t have but there were no places to change for the girls. Finally came the beach – they geared into it without any delay – our promise to them was coming true. D and I walked on the beach, chit chatted, played with kids and drove back home. M and I talked idhar udhar ki baatein.

What I saw when we reached their home was – sheer beauty, they both worked in tandem – clearing the car, putting stuff back, turning on the laundry, kids taking showers, M going back out to pick up Pizza, kids eating pizza, watching Merlin.

Monday and Tuesday we took it easy – going to the park, Ruhaan’s soccer practice, I started to pack, taking them to pool, the incident at the pool with the swim goggles, dinner at Chilli’s, molten lava cakes, D and I – our late night walks. It was a pleasant time with them. Rohail had to be taken to the doc for his leg last day dinnu was so busy running around.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Snow 3/22 A very irresponsible - responsible one


OMG....like life is not hard and crazy enough, there are elements and dashes of sporadic reactions from people you are not really interacting with that threw me off the loop.

Go figure that shit out. I know I know like someone just wash my mouth soap the way I swear....

Snow days and SAP HANA upgrades, HOB project - and the zillion things i have on my mind are not helping. It feels like a race against time and I'm destroying everything. I want to have a Black Panther all by myself.

I just wanted to talk... huh!! That would have helped me ease.

Heading to Houston on Sunday to meet Sheebu - a connection to my dear life in Australia. 

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...