Most of the days it feels out of control
https://youtu.be/fD0_FSsa8Go
After 3 glasses of rose (mionetto) and listening to gulzar - memories happen in my world. On most of the days when everything feels out of control - Saturday night - though I didnt plan - as cooking fish curry, I blocked out my thoughts, my sights, and just went with headphones on. For a little bit - i experienced a little bit of freedom.
I took to FB and posted something to two of my old friends but I was in the Gold coast in the living room looking out. THAT GIRL!! is she gone- she can never resurface. No matter what people say- the truth that comes across you, you can't unsee it. The pinch of it is there, the sourness lingers, the beauty you realize is to live with the ugly parts of it.
I wasn't drunk because I'm too conscious of it, my mind always makes me aware of it. I was though border line right there- what made it so special was Gulzar's voice with Ghalib and Jagjit singing it in my head, I was being overtaken by all of them, and their words were washing me.
I wanted to call an old school friend, who called me to say that he was going to RJY :) so sweet... but I have nothing in common with him except that we knew eachother in school, so I let that pass.
I wanted to handhold and walk with the girl (myself) who had tears rolling down as she was sitting in the meeting. I masked it very well but wondered if the 2 guys noticed. I doubt it.
Maybe depression is on the lurks or maybe not and i'm making room with it. My life and it's decisions that I took and the minute details that led me to them - all of them are standing in front of me and questioning me, why? why did you bring me here? why didnt you reach out for help? why didnt the people around you who saw you throwing your life away - say something.
https://youtu.be/fD0_FSsa8Go
After 3 glasses of rose (mionetto) and listening to gulzar - memories happen in my world. On most of the days when everything feels out of control - Saturday night - though I didnt plan - as cooking fish curry, I blocked out my thoughts, my sights, and just went with headphones on. For a little bit - i experienced a little bit of freedom.
I took to FB and posted something to two of my old friends but I was in the Gold coast in the living room looking out. THAT GIRL!! is she gone- she can never resurface. No matter what people say- the truth that comes across you, you can't unsee it. The pinch of it is there, the sourness lingers, the beauty you realize is to live with the ugly parts of it.
I wasn't drunk because I'm too conscious of it, my mind always makes me aware of it. I was though border line right there- what made it so special was Gulzar's voice with Ghalib and Jagjit singing it in my head, I was being overtaken by all of them, and their words were washing me.
I wanted to call an old school friend, who called me to say that he was going to RJY :) so sweet... but I have nothing in common with him except that we knew eachother in school, so I let that pass.
I wanted to handhold and walk with the girl (myself) who had tears rolling down as she was sitting in the meeting. I masked it very well but wondered if the 2 guys noticed. I doubt it.
Maybe depression is on the lurks or maybe not and i'm making room with it. My life and it's decisions that I took and the minute details that led me to them - all of them are standing in front of me and questioning me, why? why did you bring me here? why didnt you reach out for help? why didnt the people around you who saw you throwing your life away - say something.
No comments:
Post a Comment