Less

i wish i can be more articulate
i wish i can be less complicated
i wish i can be more of someone to somebody....
i wish i can make a difference

my diary

who, what and where...am i! Seems like everyday i present myself with a new me. i'm perplexed and wonder what more can i bring to myself. Really, why is it that i'm so aware of these situations. now that word situation, it takes me to the meeting i recently had few days before i quit.

Last...i dont know what day of the week it was, tagging along my son in the cart, i found myself picking up Oscar De La Renta's camisoles at sams club, the very next day i was buying svaroski's ear candy, and cutting a clip of cute dress from fossil's fall catalog to stick on my fridge to remind me of the shoes i have tucked in the basement. While i was in the salon with the desi gal doing my eyebrows, i flipped through pages of Lucky mag, onthis certain page it featured what the editor would like to buy for that week, and ironicaaly it featured the pencil skirt i so splurged on and wore it work and so loved the feel of it. i felt tall, i felt beautiful, i felt sexy, i felt foxy...i got all that for a 45 fucking dollars worth of a skirt. maybe i should buy more of those. but then again i find myself in the strange aisles at wholesale stores! fuck jeez i dont know who i've become. Has being a mom stripped me out of the need to look good. I've given 80% of my clothes shoes and accessories to good will.

when i'm at these so called wholesale or boutique stores, i wonder what do the other shoppers see me as, am i the bland looking gal with bad hair day, who am i to these people, am i the one with "why the hell are her pores so big", "why is she wearing sweat pants on a hot day". Do they see me as a what i put out there, do they see me by the way i speak, do they see me by the name on my credit card. i dont know if it matters to me because i dont know what i'm thought of. Not knowing doesnt bother me, it bothers me that i want to know and do something about it.

Dream doodled...

in drawing....

Way before is started hopping around here and there, way before when i use to call "college" as "college" and not school....when i was preparing for my final exams, i preferred to study alone just a day before exams...if it's mid morning i use to take my books and haul my ass off to the terrace at Dattasai apts, bring a chair and just stare into the bright fluffy clouds hanging over here and there, the VST facory's large building, lot of grays in the white and all the buildings seemed distant from where i was sitting. i can pin point to the moment that i knew i was moving on in my life, i was growing up, i wont be who i was then, i'll bemore of a person with more to learn, these exams were just for the sake of...so i picked up my pencil, laid my feet on the concrete, gently dropped the books on the floor and started doodling....i doodled a home with a perfect porch, a car, a place to hang your rainy coat, the ivy to grow...my dreams to build and grow, my window to the world and the cute cutains....everything was there.

i wish i can find that book and see how close i got to where i'm now.

Brighter morning

After baring my heart on blogosphere, and listening to kishore da's songs which transcended me to my college days and my light hearted days, i started to feel better. I'm going to take good out of this experience, i forced myself to let taran grow a bit on his own, trusted him to have a piece of his own world; met some amazing people (atleast they seemed like it), made me realize i have it in me to be more of myself, i'm a mom, a wife, a friend, a person on my own, it seemed far stretched at one point of motherhood, but now, i feel more of well rounded than before. Thanks to the world that never ceases to throw new experiences ur way. Thank you world, thank you god!

My short time

i know soon i'll get over it by the end of next week or so. But i'm really going through a roller coater of emotions, all at the same time. i recount the things that happened there, the people i met, the work that was going on, the funny incidents, my break time, being close to KOP, everything that lead to that friday morning. A fusion of anger, despair, lost, blankness, numbness, whats and whys ? is what i'm going through right now. For some insane reason, i thought i was done (for now) with my share of bad ripples. But apparently not!

My spirit is down more so because i'm hitting a wall with my son. He's decided not to eat for the past week and that run is still going on. Maybe i wish for him to rebound to my changes and just go back to how he and i were before the insanity of going to school, work etc have started. It feels so chaotic and i feel like i'm caught in the whirlwind. My huge concern is his eating. if he ate well, and was his usual, i would have boomeranged smoothly without as much brouhaha.

Yeh jeevan hai...

Seasons...

My heart is so full...i cant tell how much so, i cant say how so.

What i hadnt seen and felt in 32 years of my life, a 19 month old is effortlessly doing it.

love you baby.

Shining shimmer

Except for the innocence of my sons laughs, screams and running around the house in his undies, with tight fists as if he is knocking something...except for that..i dont see a point in most of the stuff.

What is all this worth, what is life, what is beyond, why do we laugh and cry and feel all those feelings when one day we have to go...when these wont be remembered...the laughs the cries, as my mom so eloquently puts it, life moves on.

We are all connected and yet we live, we die, we move on. The shine that life was is now a shimmer that went away with my dad.

Every new journey that held the mystery is now a detour to the old street i so know in my heart.

Life (shit) happens when u r making plans

It's been two years to this post . As i was reading that post, i could remember each one of those incidents. towards the end i said life's situations evolve us and throws a new personlaity fit at us.

last year was a complete overhual for me. It's funny how atleast few peopl ei know, including me, take so much from watching movies. y'day was a perfect sunday with a notch, kids napping, guys at movies, just me and her, watching a terrific movie. I saw "Revolutionary road", it summed up a lot of what i feel, my life sans affairs. But why is there so much pain in the world and beauty at the same time.

Two maybe three years ago, my dad asked me what would you do, if i was gone. first i got very upset that he said something like that. for me him adn my mom are perenial. Being close to death was not going to happen in mylife, no sir, not to my family members and then last year happened. since that day i always thought, i'd never see the light of the next day if my dad was to go. and now every day seems so hurtful and doesnt seem right that i'm breathing and alive. i'm not crying for help, dear freinds. as we were driving to nj, with my son fast asleep in the car seat, and Vamsi driving, with my sister's sms in the phone, my heart just took aplunge. i was shaken, i only was hearing his voice as the highway was swooshing past me in grey. i was only seeing his smiling face, and my heart was swelling with love and sadnees that tore me apart. Sunita noticed, and offered me a cuppa chai...i'm also glad my friend, madhu is in town or atleast in another state.

I craiglisted!

i mean i really was checking my email by the second y'day, i posted a area rug for sale and within an hour i had 4 offers, and the next thing i know, a lady came at 8.30pm last night to pick it up. i actually love the rug, but vamsi doesnt and makes it a point to let me know....in subtle ways, so i posted it and it's gone.

i also sold a glider y'day, and few weeks ago, my console table was sold. so that was just one summer day....took taran to teh park in his buggy ride, he loved it, i loved it...

came back and he played some more in the play area right across my home, so all in all i had a terrific day, i even sneaked to get a haircut...yipee...

My fave secret this sunday....

i dont know if you all know, but i have a sunday ritual, to go read secrets at postsecret. I look forward to it from friday infact everyweek....

My dad is not with me, since dec last year, but his phone no is the first on on my contact list, it's somehow very reassuring to have it there. i'll always miss him, as i open curtains to welcome the morning sun, the clouds say hi to me...it's a hi from my dad i know that.

For some reason, i just want to hear someone call me by my nick name...Linku.

i want to start

Some go untouched by the darkness
some are just engulfed in it
and for some it lurks around like a dark cloud.

Earth day inspired me...

to head to Home depot and buy an aerator. I installed it myself in the kitchen faucet, it makes a squishh... sound, but i like that sound. Feels like you are home. I've to install one in the bathroom faucet too.

Y'day when i bought some Transformer undies for Taran, at the store i told the nice lady i didn't want the plastic bag, instead i just stuffed those in my bag, if only the security guy had seen it, he'd have thought it was my loot. Anyway, i'm making an extra conscious effort to take the reusable cloth bags to grocery stores, returns and everywhere.

Every time i subconsciously head to the paper napkins, i bite my lip and use a cloth one instead, i've literally stopped using Clorox wipes, maaan, it's not easy, but nothing good in life is easy, so i've keep doing my bit. I still hate that diapers are so baaad for the environment, i saw this segment on TLC about how diapers are made, how many trees is it responsible for, it made me sick to my stomach. But i do my bit by not putting them on taran all the time and thinkin gof potty training him sooner.

Wish me luck for the small vegetable garden i'm planning to start, just some squash, mint and green peppers for this summer.

Please do your bit too my friends, and we might salvage a little bit in our lifetime.

When are you open to love

While undressing herself, tears roll down her cheeks as she stands by the bank of the Greek rivers, she thinks to herself, why is she so closed up, why is that people who have lost everything or something very important in life are not beaten and they are willing to try to open thier hearts ? How come that she hasnt lost anything, infact has everyhting in her life and still unable to open herself up to give love or feel people around her?? (from the movie sisterhood of traveling pants)

----just then i hear little bursts of wailing from tarans room so i stop the dvr and head to his room to put him back to sleep. But i couldnt take that picture of the girl from my mind worse yet, what she said was very profound to me.

i was like that, that was me, what she was saying to herself was a lot about me. Until my rock, my dad was here, i had everything, and yet i wasnt very receptive to people, not very responding infact i'd even ignore some out of pride but just didnt matter. But now having lost him and see how people came to our rescue every bit of the way, strangers at the airport who helped me, friends who stood away, friends who stood by, everyone in the bigge rpicture seemed to matter. I'm now more open to love people, atleast like them for who they are and not what i wish they could be. I'm getting there...

my tears wet my sons tee, as i thought of dad. I miss him so heart wrenchingly bad...i just want him to know i'm so proud of him.

Yaadien

Last night on Lifetime, Akeelah the Bee was on. This was my dad's favorite movie, he made 3 copies for all 3 of us, to make sure we saw the movie. Before they were leaving for hajj i went to help them pack and just be there. At that time, he and i watched this movie together in Rjy. Watching that movie now alone in my living room, brought back memories of him. He made sure we understood how important education is, he made sure we saw value of education and learning in everyday life. He never ever forced us to learn or read, it was just way he was, you felt like knowing more, more about life, things, people and stuff. I feel a sting of warm tears on my cheeks but the most hard to deal with is, that he left so much for us to think of, to remember. Even he's not here, i cant believe how much i've learnt about life and people. Thank you baba.

This morning when i called my mom to tell her about the movie, she just resounded what i was feeling, she eloquently out that "he left us with just memories now". He did, you did dad, with such great ones that i'm humbled that i'm your daughter. I'm proud to be your daughter. I love you.

Be back soon my darling.....

BIG SHOUT OUT TO A BABY

My friend madhu and his wife were blessed with a baby boy, on march 17th, whose name they are still trying to pick. I'm super happy for both of them and wishing them the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, happy baths and especially a picky eater. there you go...ha ha.

I think it does

matter....

you see while Vamsi and i were prepping for lunch with friends at home, I mentioned to him how tea tastes better in this certain cup vs. another one. Though i make it with the same no of tea bags, same amount of time in the microwave....somehow the tea tastes better in one cup rather than any other cup.

to that vamsi says maybe you should do a thesis on that. (read being sarcastic)...actually its not such a bad idea maybe i should, something to do with the kind of china they make the cup with should make the difference. i dont know...all i know is i know a good cuppa joe from a bad one.

what says...

Perfect biryani ??

Is it a myth or is there such a thing as a perfect biryani?

Being a hyderabadi amongst other traits of mine, i'm expected to know er well just know how to make decent biryani....after innumerous attempts by my mom to show and go over the recipe zillion times, she now resorts to "remember i told you the last time" ... kinda answer each time i ask her now for that step by step.

Few weekends ago, Vamsi was just going gala over Indu's biryani, ohh...this...oohh...that, i was green with envy, if indu could make it, surely i could whip some good old ass biryani...aieh...no offence to indu...he's just not that much into cooking....he defenitely know his food...he brings the best take out food ever....followed by desserts...ammm...i still remember the chocolate cookie he once got for priya and me, late night....we devoured it and like little sneaky greedy kids we ate that to the last lick.

hold on i was on biryani right, i digressed ; ) so in other words though i was jealous, i was totally inspired, no, really i had to learn and show. So even though in the past i whined about how many dishes it takes to make, how long the process is, how many calories it is, and yet never missed an opportunity to eat biryani.

so one evening i tied my apron like a shield and followed indu's recipe, it kinda is like my mom's except without yogurt. I used "Parampara" biryani mix instead of Shaan. My pantry only had parampara! Anyway after using 13 dishes...this includes the lids of the pots and pans, the cutting board, the knife, the ladles, and one and 1/2 hours later, my biryani turned out pretty good. Vamsi was very satisfied, i thought it could have been better, but i'm always so modest, no !

So my next attempt would be with another brand of biryani mix. So salaams to the biryani....

(next time you make your biryani at home, lemme know how it turned out and what was ur recipe...make a special day out of it..aieh)

Smile Pinki

When i was blissfully exhausting my adolescence in college, a friend of mine once said, you have a nice smile so what else can you ask for? I was floored... with the compliment, but that thought tucked away peacefully thinking a smile is enough even if you dont have other physical attributes that we give too much importance to.

Once came an opportunity at eid time for me to donate, so i didnt hesitate to google a good organisation, Smile Train came up, my dad writes with the pen name 'Smile' and also with that compliment that i got many years ago, sealed my decision to go ahead with them. When i got a sweet card from them thanking me, i called and asked would i possilbly know whom i helped, she said look at the picture i sent you, pick a child and think that you helped that child. It was very.... i dont know what to say....but it felt like it doesnt matter which one i helped, it just matters that i did.

Last night, when Smile Pinki won the oscar for the best short documentary film, i had tears rolling as Taran was sleeping in my arms, i cried because it's been 4 months to this day that we took our dad to the hospital, because he's alwasys around me and i just want to talk to him.

But mostly because i was happy that a girl got her smile back.

I'm so proud....

of Taran. While feeding him last night, my darling ate pasta with a fork for the first time y'day Feb 13th, and i just stood there dumbfounded. I watched him for many many seconds with a proud heart swelling with joy. I love you taran....

Interesting day

Y'day afternoon i was reading one of the many excerpts from my dads book, this one was from mr. velamati satyanarayana garu. He mentioned few things there that had my tears rolling.... i had to let him know how much it meant to me. I jotted down his no on a post-it and stuck it on my kitchen pantry. This morning, i couldnt reach my mom's cell for some reason, so i called him instead. Just hearing his voice brought back the picture of him in my living room, of him when we got dad to eluru. As much as I detained myself i choked as i was talking to him, a simple man, living a simple life. But today as we spoke, he touched my life, my day in a way that cant be put in words.

I love you baba.

Shulman

While putting my son down for his afternoon nap, i fell asleep with him for like 10 mts, i woke hurriedly to get to my tea, i have a hangover from that slight nap. As i sip my chai, i read mr.shulman's diary. Dad often use to tell me about him, how dad nad shulman with mr. patanjali went here and there. He's a jewish, pardon me that's totally irrelevant but for some reason our background comes alive when we are places we arent expected to be. He was in one such place, my rajahmundry, he was learning telugu my dad would say, he's a professor at the Israel uni. Wow so much for credentials. But my dad somehow always knows people, for what they are to what he is. My dad is now sketched in life in our minds by the memories of the people he knew, and some that we'll never know.

Move...ees

Since i'm back from india, whenever i get a break from running behind my son, i anxiosuly pop in a dvd to watch. So far, i've managed to see Guide, Sagara sangamam and for the past three days my trials to finish Mughal-E-Azam hasnt been fruitful. But one thing i've come to realize is that, the movies you see as a kid make a different sense than when compared to seeing the same movie now, when you are all grown up and can figure things out in more mature way. The essence of the dialogues are making more sense now, the circumstances seem more compelling now, the feelings seem more real now.

When i saw these movies many years ago, i only felt for the hero and herione and thought poor guys, it's so unfair, or why did thier parents have to make them do this and so and so. But now since i've gained more perspective on life and experiencing many life events in many angles....i finally get the "picture". My personal fave so far has been Guide....

(Thanks M for those dvd's)

Dear dad

Happy Birthday!

Now a date is just another day in the bigger picture. I wish........i really wish.....