Care?

To come to think of it, I don't think anyone really cares. Think about it...as sad as it feels like, I dont think anyone cares enough that can change your truth of life.

Even if they do, they have conditions on us to deal with our stuff. The words once out of your mouth and the way you see it - profoundly changes once it's from someone else's words. The stress in certain emotions than your's and the whole dialect / meaning changes.

We must live mediocre lives, the things we worry about, the things we feel are at stake, the things we tie ourselves to, its like we can't live past them.

It's really an illusion, it whatever it is - only real only constant in that moment. Once the moment passes - it's all up for interpretations from various sources.

In my path of self-reflection I feel I haven't lived enough. We are living somebody else's life. 

Visibility

I feel I've become invisible to my own self. It's like I don't exist....my actions, my routine is something I go as part of what is expected of me. IDK if I'm who I'm or an extension of me going through this cycle of moments. So fucking weird.

https://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/cheesy-stuffed-baked-potatoes/

Sleep Over

My baby had a first sleep over at home with Hailey, 9/28. 

I made pillow fort in ammi's room, ordered and picked up the pizza, got mini pumpkins for them to paint, they watched a movie, ate junk in the middle of the night, I read a book for them - bernstein brothers - going to credit union!!! it was so sweet - we went to Ruby's for breakfast and concord township park and dropped her home. it was crazy sweet. 

Though my baby's voice was barely audible - due to cold I think- she had a blast. 

Monday is picture day and my baby is the "fish of the week" - i had so much fun putting otgether the pictures for her class.

Out of Control

Most of the days it feels out of control

https://youtu.be/fD0_FSsa8Go



After 3 glasses of rose (mionetto) and listening to gulzar - memories happen in my world. On most of the days when everything feels out of control - Saturday night - though I didnt plan - as cooking fish curry, I blocked out my thoughts, my sights, and just went with headphones on. For a little bit - i experienced a little bit of freedom.

I took to FB and posted something to two of my old friends but I was in the Gold coast in the living room looking out. THAT GIRL!! is she gone- she can never resurface. No matter what people say- the truth that comes across you, you can't unsee it. The pinch of it is there, the sourness lingers, the beauty you realize is to live with the ugly parts of it.

I wasn't drunk because I'm too conscious of it, my mind always makes me aware of it. I was though border line right there- what made it so special was Gulzar's voice with Ghalib and Jagjit singing it in my head, I was being overtaken by all of them, and their words were washing me.

I wanted to call an old school friend, who called me to say that he was going to RJY :) so sweet... but I have nothing in common with him except that we knew eachother in school, so I let that pass.

I wanted to handhold and walk with the girl (myself) who had tears rolling down as she was sitting in the meeting. I masked it very well but wondered if the 2 guys noticed. I doubt it.

Maybe depression is on the lurks or maybe not and i'm making room with it. My life and it's decisions that I took and the minute details that led me to them - all of them are standing in front of me and questioning me, why? why did you bring me here? why didnt you reach out for help? why didnt the people around you who saw you throwing your life away - say something.

O

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