You are IT!

Woke up after putting my massive headache to bed,
spilled my chai all over, especially bad because there was no milk left...

Got a call from a dear friend that she is gone to watch eat, pray, love
I thought we were gonna watch together ; ( that did it, i had to get outta home full of people.

So what do i do....if you'd know me by now, you'd take a good guess...oh well, i cant blame you for not talking back.

i rushed outta home without even brushing my hair, head to the nearest B&N, got a grande latte with extra shot of espresso, which went straight to fix my heart and head aches...bought a cute cup with cuter affirmations, treated myself to "Girl with a dragon tattoo" book, sent a text to my abandoned friends hoping that the movie sucked and better yet there would be a power cut in the theatre....did all this in less than 15mts.

T and I walked to the playground, there ahem...., i was asked by a 5th grader and a 2nd grader, if i wanted to play tag. I just laughed out loud and asked them are you sure you wanna play tag, so thats what we did, we played tag, went down the slides, played hula hoops and just chilled to some V8 blueberry and pomegranate, which janya (the ungrateful one) says, "i didnt like it", but my shona says, I like it mamma : ) mera baccha, shona darling, muaah.

So what wins a movie out with friends in another state or playing tag with little girls? I cant tell you that.

aah the best part was it was just me and the kiddos, except maybe for a few guys playing tennis near by....

(from 2 weeks ago, bums me why i didn't post this)

Shona and i babble like this

I say yellow

He says Lellow

I say animals

He says aMInals

He asks who is this?

I say Bill Cosby

He says Bill Carsbee

He says "drive faster, faster..."

I say "buchi brother is right there"

I say taran is a गन्दा बच्चा 

He says "mamma is a गन्दी बच्ची"

I was so shocked the first time he said it, i ran and tickled him and we both giggled jumping on the bed. 

He says "Mamma can you please tell your hair not to touch my face...."

i drop my jaw and tell him, Why not taran, my hair smells good. 

I ask "Taran you want to go back to rajahmundry"

He says "I wanna go back to raj MUMMY". (Never heard a sweeter version of my hometown)

I say lets go back, it's not like I'll be missed here : ( 

Hi Happy birthday Kinetic, 

thank you doll....yeah...i get to be a leo too.

Happy Independence Day, desh mera. 

On the terrace...

Third day of fasting... seharis and iftaars by myself is no fun, missed my jeejs, he'd be so sweet to me. 

Right after sehari around 4.45am, i stepped out to the patio, the air was balmy and kinda warm, it surprised me. As i leaned on the railing, instinctively my eyes went up to the sky. For some strange reason, the scene of Shahrukh and Kajol's DDLJ came to my mind. The scene where he walks on the ladder to cross over and come to her side of the terrace, a cute scene, hmm it seems different than what i imagined. Anyway, I frankly think the subtle art of fussing over and doting on are totally lost somewhere. We all are so busy in our lives, racing minds for the next to-do, engrossed in .... 

Anyway, as silly a reflex of thought, I looked down from the patio, to see if shahrukh is in sight somewhere. Darn....everyday now right after sehari, i'll step out to amuse myself. 

With my arms across my chest i stepped back in.

How many can you count!

Not sure if i feel it in me to write these days, the point is missing me for sure there. There are days you couldnt stop me from pouring out my craziness, others i'm very unsociable and taciturn. i'm running a streak of it now....

but then i have drafts everywhere, little notes everywhere, tucked in my email, my heart, my head, my palms, my phone, some invisible ones sketched in the thin air, one such woke me up at 2.45am and couldnt put it back.

Gently uncurled taran's arm from me and headed to the living room with my phone in hand.

Thought of all the people who wouldnt mind if i'd call them at this hour, my count didnt go beyond 3 fingers. I'm thankful for that even, i wonder if i'd be on anyone's such count of fingers.

But then who'd answer a call at this hour, and cursed myself of that, these days odd hour is not the only excuse for not answering or returning the calls. My mistakes and incivilities predate me, i figured.

Drank water out of faucet, turned on the idiot box and watched the rest of my fave movie, Pride and Prejudice. The soft light of the moon from the blinds, the warmth from the throw, it seemed like i was on a mini 10 mts pay-vacation type of thingies. 

I dont know why i cant get enough of that movie, i only have seen it more than dozen times now. Jane, lizzie, mr. bennett the father, lydia, mr. bingley, my lovely misunderstood mr. darcy - what endearments am i allowed he asks ? 

I could more easily forgive his vanity if he hadnt wounded mine, Lizzie says --- now that couldnt be put more eloquently. Fell asleep to it on the couch. Why do i look so haggard V asks, i dont know why, but jee thanks.. But i cant wait to tell my count of buddies that i counted them and that dose of movie wasnt enough but i'll live with it for now. 

Where do you draw

the strength from...what makes you think sane, live sane, be sane, what makes you tolerate life's little and big unfairness. Is it a "happy place", a person, a kid, a hot cuppa tea, music, paintings, a familiar stranger, a voice across the oceans, a pet, a movie...something kuch bhi....or does it evolve as we go, as we grow, as we move in different compartments of life. 


For the longest time i've known, it has been my baba, my dad for me, for him i've tried to let my life seem livable for me, for him i'd make my life work, since he's gone, i'm dwindling, since he's gone, i'm so darn lost. 


For a brief moment, it seemed like i was not so lost, but then in my heart i'm....in my heart i'll never reveal, in my heart i'm a stranger to myself who'll let peek once in a blue moon...the rest is just one long night where stars shine bright like distant pebbles in water under sun. 


Listening to the droll humm of the dishwasher....


aaj kuch gana nahi merey play list mein...

Zara zara tum ho merey

Zara zara paraye....main...hum hum...

I once went out to watch a movie with a friend in hyd, sudarshan theater, evening show, arrived late, walked past few people to get to our seats, I was into first 20 mts of the movie and my pager was going off, beep beep, the people next to me gave me one of those looks not sure what sound was it, and where was it coming from. i quickly made a futile attempt to search for the pager in the dark,  I read the msg and decided to call after the movie, but then it went beeping again i knew i wouldn't be forgiven for not returning the call, maybe i didn't want to be forgiven, maybe i wanted to hear the gentle wrath i usually get.... so I excused myself to come out and call. I stated my reason for the delay but I wouldn't be heard of...

For reasons I'll never share with you my doll, that movie has been my all time fave Telugu movies. As I went to AUS, one of the songs from that movie, actually only the first two lines of that song, I made graffiti of it on the bare closet door in my room to have a piece of .....around.....(for which I got so much trouble into by the house parents, when i was moving out of their chatra chaya, she complained so much about how she was going to remove the graffiti, she even claimed that i have to come back and repaint the door, i said that would be the last thing I'd do, white wash my memory away, unh unh...no way, i should have a picture of the closet door somewhere).

Laxman the srilankan chef dude going to the same uni as I, the nicest person you'll come across, wonder where he is now, anyway he once came to my abode with sheebu, and asked me what that graffiti meant,  i said i wouldn't share with you, but he liked the kites, the strings and the bows i drew around it, asked me whose picture was it on the table. Then he looked at me said, wait you are not going to tell me right....

Kal woh movie dekha....and i remembered this incident, felt happy, felt sad, felt like holding on to it, felt like just one more time, i'd like that back.  I even remember the pastel peach salwar i was wearing, which coincidentally my mom irons and lays it in the closet for me to wear whenever i'm home. I fit effortlessly into it, even now, says ammi.

On my PL...Kailash kher is blessed with such a rustic voice ....

tere dar pe jhuka hoon, mita hoon, bana hoon, 
marammad mukkadar ki kardo moula, mere moula
mujh me hee woh khushboo thee jo thune milwaya--- now thats a good line.

tut ke bikhar na mujhko zaroor aata hai
warna ibaadat wala shahur aata hai
.....Ab jo tumne thukraya to sawar naa paaunga

Terrific lyrics mr.j.

It's raining here and dark as my mood.

maybe the title of this blog should be marammad mukkadar ki kardo moula. the month of ramzan starts from aug 8th says ammi. i didnt fast at all last 2 years i should this time.

all 3

My new swanky fossil watch (well its not really a new one, but not a old one too, it's just timeless) snugs well on my wrist and has been for the past few weeks. Totally diggin it. Aaj lunchmein dorito chips, by god, my body will just refuse me as my mind is going round and round....i need a good old smoothie, but chai se mana lethi hoon. Koi tho lao meri chai, bewakoof.  

I came across these secrets y'day and couldnt shake them off my mind, so what do i do best when i need to remember, i come to you babe. I even had a awesome dream, what with all the bike ride, black and white pliad shirt, under the big old tree in the front yard of my apt bldg in rjy...wah. thanks but jo bhi ho...

the first secret is really a kinda feeling i always wondered,  i remember some, some are so distant, some are so sweet, some are so heart breaking, some are so loving.... a song, a movie, certain foods, some gestures, some special days....whatever be it some of these moments are always close to you no matter where you are, who you are with, what you do....they just bring a smile and warm feeling to your heart, and u know you are ok. 

the second one, well, i had a similar experience few weeks ago and when i saw this one, i was wow'ed! while i was sweating and listening to Ishqiya's ab mujhey intezaar kahan, the entirety, the longing in her voice something made them little salty thingies drip over my cheeks,  i was first embarassed that others might notice, but when i tried and couldnt help it, i let them flow and didnt care if anyone else saw.

the third one is a realy sweet one, i dont wear contacts, but love the way the secret person feels that way, and here we are, with and without contacts, we take things, people for granted, we dont pay attention and feel the beauty in the daily things of our life. I know i kinda go back and forth on it, but oflate have been just missing the beat. 

A dear friend and i had a nice long chat and talked all about what we should have done when we had our bets straight. Someother life, she said, boy tha's too long was my reply. Men are just too .....well to each his own. 

Love you baby. Listen to this one, Kahin to hogi duniya..... splitting headache, gtg.

I'm such a nut job

Woke up from sleep feeling hungry and little lost....scoured the refrigerator to find 2 slices of pizza, i felt a great sense of relief and thanked gods for saving me some. Instead of getting to it right away, i put my hunger on hold, and unloaded the dishwasher, got to the pile of dishes in the sink, put the trash out, laid the unrest to rest by scrubbing the sink and the counter top. God knows why....i'm the way i'm. My idiosyncrasies get the best out of me....

I was looking ahead at Penn Center, Philadelphia y'day and suddenly remembered the first time i went to Philly ever.

Anyway, right about now totally dig the down time after a day full of....actually i dont want to talk about it. I only want the silence to wrap me in its blanket and take me to a place i wish to be... aah my fave song on iheartradio can we pretend, cool, i really could use a wish right now, i wonder how many are we all allowed before we use up all of them.

Now that i ate pizza, i'm feeling guilty for my waist line, i shouldnt have eaten, bugger. I should learn to be in control of all my pangs.

Rent my life

Girls like me, with dads like mine are bound to expect so much from thier lives, somehow somewhere we need to realize that not all men are alike. We got to pick our battles and settle.

I was reading something that reminded me of my dad's one of gazillion sweet gestures for me...

After i left for AUS on the day of his b'day, feb 3rd, (this is a blog in itself) during our routine weekend calls I'd frequently bring up conversations about our peaceful life in rjy, our apartment there, my school, my friends, my two ponytails, my tuitions, my fed up teachers who'd rattle on me to my mom.

Anyhow, on this particular trip back home to rjy, we were walking past that same apartment, when we ran into the owners of the same apts, who are our family friends too. That uncle said something i couldnt make head or tail of and asked dad later what he meant of it.

With one arm wrapped around my shoulder, he casually informs me that he had rented that same apartment for 2 years, just paid rent for 2 whole years, no one lived there, ONLY because i always talked about it, because he wanted me to have that piece of world, a sweet place i cherished, a place where my memories could linger little longer while i was away. Coincidentally, ammi was also living in rjy at that time, in our own home. Yet, my baba rented that apt for my sake. I love you baba....

I wish i could do more for you, i wish for another chance, i wish for you.

On my PL

Flying w/ no directions....

I wait for the words to glide back to me....

i wait for the light to soak me up....

i wait for the music to whisper to me....

i watch as the world and i, aren't exploring eachother....

i ignore as my fave part of day and i tiptoe quietly....

i embrace the empty boxes and the lost dreams within....

????

And then as i look down i notice unaccounted for ....

cuts on my fingers....

dark bruises on my legs....

hot oil spats....

????

almost rear ended a car today....

Spain won and with their jubilations, i was with my mom and dad in spirit....

????

And then some nights she seems to rest my flights ....

????

And then worst of all, i feel lonelier than i was before....

I'll have to remember to do the thing i use to do when i was in Goldcoast....

????

He and I

My split lip was just swollen enough to make a crooked smile, if my jaw wasnt hurting i didnt know what was, T's headbutt at 3 am felt like zizou's to marco in the last world cup. It just throbbed like f*****g hell.

But as i got into the car, i didnt know he was already in there. Unknowing of his presence, while driving on 202, with a hint of satire he spoke gently. i was mildly surprised but ready to listen and his voice drenched my flow of thought... i may have been driving, but my eyes were looking at windows of my life in hyde, gold coast and many many other times when he was there and i didnt realize it.

He speculated...

"aaj zindagi ke rubaroo aagaye

zindagi ne pucha dard kya hai,

kyon hota hai, kahan hota hai ye bhi tho nahi jaanta..

tanhai kya hai akhir, kithne log tho hai

phir tanha kyon ho,

mera chehra dekh kar zindagi ne kaha,

mein tumhari judwa hoon..

mujhse naaraaz na huwa kar..."

To each his own, but what poetic justice to the nucleus of life. Each word, each word depicting the baffle, the perplexity is beyond me. When she says ..Jeene kay liye socha hee nahi dard sambhal ne hongey...musku rau tho, musku raaney kay, karz uthar ne honge... it just hit north of home. While growing up, i felt so invincible, i couldnt be touched, very few survived the wrath of being close to me, and that never made me think that dealing with life comes with such growing pains.

The ironic part was, i heard him talk to me over the last decade or more, but when he spoke this time, it felt real, it felt like his words were sweeping my hair back and i didnt know what to say, with my eyes gazing at the windows of my life and my hands on the steering, i lightly nodded while barely trying to smile as my lips HURT.

As i turned the ignition off, pancham also powered off.

Thanks Gulzar ji.

Until next time i unexpectedly find him...khudahafeez...

Who'd I call

My dear baba, abbu, pappu, gundu, my all...

Happy Daddy's day!

For a dad, who taught me to respect myself, who taught me to be confident, who taught the
importance of equality, who encouraged me to be all that i feared, who taught to fail
doenst break you, the journey of reaching the destination is all that matters...for most who
taught me to love, lose and face it...

 

Love the way you are holding mom's hand...
 

From all three of us....we are and never will be the same without you around, but...
 

As always i know in my heart you are with me, in spirit, in love around me and that wants me to be all that you wished of me.

Promise to come back soon...promise to meet me through someone, everyone i meet.

I miss calling you, i miss all that came with you, and not able to welcome all that's gone with you.

Happy Fathers day to the world of dads who make the world a fun, cool, sweet, protective place for their daughters, sons and all.

Come back soon!!

It makes me want to write a bon voyage card and mail it whenever i hear this rhyme on t's PL, makes me want to say bye bye with a hankie, makes me want to hear those when i'm off...for all the people in the planes, trains, buses, cars travelling near and far...for all the travelers in us, for the ones dreaming to go far...this one is for you dolls...

Take a bus or take a train,
Take a boat or take a plane,
Take a taxi, take a car,
Maybe near or maybe far,
Take a rocket to the moon,
But be sure to come back soon.

For the rest of resting within us, "Have a wonderful weekend!".

Tell me who!

The eternal question...
the whips of piercing eyes...
arm on the hip...
strikes of the pointy fingers...
the sound of beepers...
fist to the sky...
tell me who's the boss?

Me or is it you?

Noooo... it's ME

NOw, bow your head and surrender...

 

Came across this one in the library and a smile escaped my...

For you my dear....

sigh....has it been four days, uff...want to share all abt monday, but for that i'd need a good glass of wine, a nice listening pad that hmm...'s, huh..'s and smile's, a dark quite evening.... But for now, like how i read a magazine, i'll go backwards....

While waiting @ 30th for R5 to arrive around 9 in , i discreetly streched to the skylike infront of me, pulled my headphones out, FB'd...as the train arrived few mts late....after all the running around in manhattan, i was surprisingly not as tired as i thought i'd be...but just wanted to kick my feet up and listen to music in the train.

Which when i did, that is kicking my feet up in the opposite seat, the cutie ticket collector guy, kinda hinted at me not to. So i obliged grumpily.

For the longest time he was nowhere to be seen, so i put them back up, right, well just then he comes back, so i flashed a "oops" smile and put my feet down.

Guess what he does.... he disappears to come back with a large pile of news paper, spreads it on the seat opposite mine and gives me the sweetest wink and a smile. He spread the news paper for me to stretch my feet on the seat without having to feel bad.

Boy, while chowing down my bread, i just couldnt beleive how sweet he was, i mean that just topped it all for me.... so while still munching i gave him such a grateful, you didnt have to type srunched my brows and thanked him...I wish there we more like him around me, with me. I could really get used to be treated like that.... ; )

well now i couldnt and wouldnt put my feet up for such a darling gesture, so i browsed through the sports section and mde a mental note to watch the lakers and celtics game that night. He just floored me....i knew black dudes can be nice, but this nice...wow, i should have dated them when i had the chance...