Help!

I need help, i really do! I'm exhausted, and dont have energy to even process...

Help please, hello....it's bloody, so ******g ..... never mind, no point complaining. Apparently, my track record of driving people away stands unwavered.

I...just dont know...

Do we or Dont we!

While in a meeting at work, i curled my toes,

as i felt the cold sandy water 

on my feet....

the vision of my son at the beach

and his hands twined in mine,

his yowl of laughter

at the tides splashing him and i, 

made me feel good in my heart,

We need vacations that linger with us,

We need people that stay with us, 

We need flavors that jog our lanes,

We need fragrances that revive us,

We need  recollections that crowd us,

We need love that bleeds us,

We need the imagination to make faces out of clouds, 

i try to teach T how to, 

I dont miss the vacation, 

because it left me with more....

a vision in the sheerness....

On my PL.....Jab jab 

Do you agree

Something got me thinking, maybe the fire drill at work, and all of us standing out there in the drizzle, cold air, i was mentally jotting down, who are the people with real jobs....

• a mom...
• a teacher
• a firefighter
• a doc
• a plumber
• a electrician
• a pilot
• a coach
• a perfumer
• a guide
• a event organizer
• a chef
• a musician
• a painter
• a poet
• a quintessential girl / boy friend / spouse 
• a super cute receptionist ; )
• a car mechanic

did i miss anyone! just me, i'm a job myself, a COMPLICATED one i was told!

Half and Half

 A friend that other day told me how she listens to some songs and cant relate to it, she just misses the whole point, she beamed, ha! i smiled, i wished i felt that way, there are emotions of varying depths that I cant seem to escape, they come, they go, they stay. This morning, when i came across this secret, i felt for the person who sent it, i know what she means, its a hole that gapes at you, it's a blessing, its a curse, its a connection, that very few have or dare to accept it. Like that song in Janbaaz..."har kissi ko nahi milta". I wish you feel like a complete person soon. 

 Sometimes when i read these secrets, i feel like there is one person or few with shared life experiences out there, though you have never met them and perhaps live across oceans, there's that familiarities in your life that brings you together. 

I use to feel this way, cant say i still do, i dont, but it seemed familiar. You'll grow out of it, we all are intellectuals in our own rights. 

Saw a movie this afternoon, the suburban girl says "a girl learns to grow up when she loses her father, and she lets go of her archie". A archie, a proverbial archie!! 

Finally, my kindle will be here soon, i'll share. 

a shortest story

"I don't know what to do with you" he tells her.....

The feather of thought she was, as he spoke, she feels the weight of rock in his arms...

She picks her presence to walk away...

Unable to swift past him...she slips in the dark ocean of faces, of moments, of life events.

Has she been an unbearable woe....anything but she whispers to self.

It's a journey she has to walk alone, it's a journey he can't heart it, it dawns on her it's always been only HER journey!

"is this what you want" she asks with her lips sealed.

Hazaar rahen ....

Am I blushing?

R comes over to say she’ll be in 5100 conference room, since we both are working on similar stuff, I asked if she wanted me to join her.

She then says the cutest thing, “na…I could have pinged you, but I just wanted to see your face….”

Aww….ding ding…Wow! I haven’t heard anyone say that to me before.

She made my afternoon, and that high lasted for few hours. 

Imagine, someone walks couple of hallways away from their planned destination, only to come over and say something to you and more so because they wanted to see your smiley face…aww…. I’m so flattered.

I wish she were a cute guy, wink wink.

The day could have gone a little better, but i have no complaints. 

Is it the beginning or

a continuation....or would it dwindle

That evening across the high seas as i hung up, only the sound of laughter resonated, the voice was filled with a lightness and it swelled me with joy to hear that....finally...even for few seconds, i might have made just enough, teeny weeny difference to bring out that hearty laugh....

....it deemed like the creases were ironed out, many shreds put back in order, the scars lightened and the healing has begun.

....it all ended with laughter, and it felt good, darn good.

That evening across the oceans, a tide reached its destination, the circle met it's other end which is not a frazzled one with strained knots, but just a simple gentle one.

But i'll thank my dad, my baba for being there, for giving me the hand i needed through those turbulent downs and smooth highs, one piece of peace is with me now....

Enjoy my pumpkins..

I just came back

from mall and i'm so in love with this skirt in navy blue and they'd look so cute with the these SM shoes and with this Top or a white plain one and the blazer i saw in store is not online, but it would just look like what i'd want in my head.

Wait, i have some Candies boots in my basement. Let me see, if they might work!!

I came back with a will to buy the boots and leggings first and then go back for the outfit, came back more so becoz i didnt know how i could go into fitting room since i had T with me, also he was having such a ball in front of the mirror. Not sure...if i should order online or check in stores first for the boots...hmm... I just cant wait to get the fall look together.

Let me scout for some bags too, while i'm at it. A LV would be a cherry on the cake.

I'm sound selfish na, darn, no bacchey, dont, there are people out there who you can help, screw it.....yup, that's the right thing to do. 

Dont be selfish! Dont be, you shouldnt be, i dont have to have them, atleast i have it put together in my head. ok...they are here on my blog. I'll come back here when i miss it. Good girl, is what my dad would say, my mom would just ask me to go get it anyway....i'm clashing... What a short lived fashionista moment. 

Rush Rush rush

I love the pulse of a consultant's life at work. Plug in, plug out, presentations, convince people, lots of faces, many intros, few of them retain and some dont, manage stuff through elevators and across rooms like you have 4 hands. Just pray darling you dont drop stuff, was funny when Kurt said, arent women supposed to be logical, across the floor i said, wait, arent men supposed to help women. Ofcourse, cute interns to field and train. for some i'm also the girl in teal sweater on first day, i only thanked wardrobe gods, that i chose the teal one on a rainy morning, it's one heck of a  teal cardigan guys, not sweater.

This am after putting zillion things in order for T to go to school, i rush thinking i might beat the traffic, it's a vile hope but i'm optimisitic. Though i could have made it in time, i didnt. I decided to stop by to buy a card, flowers and a gift card for my friend. It's R's b'day, since she and i are working together on this project, i thought i'll surprise her. I'm glad i did, apparently her dad forgot to wish her, and her husband never buys her flowers so she was flattered and loved it. I'm glad i made someone's day : ) I wish i had a friend like me, wait can i be my own friend?? No, I have my dolls and i'm good there.

Rushed on my way back, T dumma marofied school, played with daddy all day. V dropped him at Martha's and left to play racquetball, though i didnt mind, i wondered would i have done that. I let him off the hook, coz, he's been stepping up really well. Anyhow, by the time i went to pick T, he was playing with thier dog, Martha was complimenting me on how well behaved he was and all. I was so proud of him. Meri jaan, my love, come here....shona. Everytime i'm at thier plce, maya her daughter, just squeals with laughter and runs.

V at work now, i woke up after 4 hrs of nap and doing this with you. T misses me, i think, these days he gently slips my palm under his face, i just love it. He was all, mamma, i missed you, i loved you, i want to kiss you...mera raja beta!

I like being back at work, i was telling V how i felt last time with dad not around and separation anxiety with T, stuff with my sister, what a mess i was, i cant beleive it, i'd cry going to work, i just....never mind lets not go there... so he says if i ever feel like not doing it, i dont have to, its uber darling of him to say that, but my circle of life is giving me the strength to look ahead.

I sorely missed you, i'd think of million ways to sneak to you, but just couldnt.

Here's some for you, it's friday nite, lets rock this place up, Ek Nazar and If we ever meet again

Babjanma

janmabab....

however you put it, a feud of personal opinions, countless wasted lives. A verdict served to segregate the disputed land of Ayodhya in equal parts of three. Can the judicial system of India really bring peace to the land of gods or is it god. Is this an answer to the pulse of angry people with angrier thoughts. It's a divide and conquer types! They conquered the peace on the street, by dividing the morsels of land. Did they follow the laws laid by greater minds of our country, i dont know i cant say....But can it bring the stability of minds that we so need, can it bring the tolerance for all religions without any prejudices.

If you see with my eyes, you see two people laughing, sharing the joke, a moment captured at the right second...but hi, ask someone with inclined interests, you'll probably get another response.

Who gets the last laugh....

Which one is it!

I came across this and thought it was so sweet and funny!

"A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia." -- Author Unknown


Ha ha....boy! My dolls we all need more vacation, or make life one... I miss my vacation already!

Can you figure it ?

I cant seem to get this song out of my head, no point lying in the bed and humming next to a toddler, right, so i got up. Tiptoed down to my living room hoping i wouldnt disturb T....I dont know how he knows when i'm not next to him, within a minute or so instinctively i'll hear him call for me. It has always happened, unfailingly, but each time i still hope i can cheat his dozy radar and get away for few minutes...just as i turn on the stove for my chai.... i hear him say..."mamma, whey aa you?"

I absolutely dig this song...as i was listening to the song with my eyes closed, an image of myself drifted in circles, I was at a door in a white shirt, walking down the stairs, onto the street, past the big oak trees and out of nowhere i was lifted by this giant white cloud........tch tch tch....cant tell u further da, it sounds juvenile, all i can say is, i could feel the rain on my face...each and every drop of it.

At the mark of 6.52....it feels so surreal, feels like extending a hand...

I just stared out the window for the longest time, is it possible, can we be and still not be! No, its not possible, reality is as stark as the bleeding blood, as real as the light at the end of the tunnel. Just getting there scratch free is impossible....we have to learn to live each and every bit of it, the awesome, the beautiful, hurting, loving and sad bits too. We owe to it to ourselves.

No point tiptoeing anymore....lets all make some noise. 

Fair vs Unfair

I dont get it, why cant the "dont ask and dont tell" be repealed. What's big deal...why do people feel so staunchly about this.

I'm reminded of the famous Shakespeare's lines...

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

if you tickle us, do we not laugh? 

if you poison us, do we not die? and 

if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? 

If we are like you in the rest, we will

resemble you in that.

I once worked with a guy, who never mentioned he was a gay, but i knew it somehow. So whenever his boyfriend would call, i'd tease him, wink and tell him...maybe you should get this. As we grew to know each other, which was inevitable as we worked in close proximity, he shared his life stories with me, how they met, how he fought the night before with him, how touched he was when his boyfriend patched things up so sweetly. I even helped them plan a vacation, complete with booking their hotel rooms. Not for once it felt unreal, all i saw was the love in his eyes, his voice, his expressions.....how he would wait for me to talk to him about resolving his concerns. 

As a community, as friends if we can stand by and support people through their life events, happy moments, birthdays, funerals...why should this basic support system be stripped of for the gay communities. That is plain simple wrong, unfair. 

This dont ask dont tell only forges the people to stay in closets, and figure out life from the key holes. Why??

In the same office, there was another guy, whom I never guessed, but he was a gay. Only M knew of it, but it was so sad, this other guy who was also a M, would put a picture of his friend who was girl on his desk to give everyone else an idea that she was his girl friend, as if they are dating. He was clearly in the closet, wanting to get out, but was afraid of being judged. 

Why or what gives people the ascendancy to say that one is more acceptable than the other. Why love of one kind is more acceptable than the other. 

Do we not bleed....do we not laugh...do we not love...

Food for thought

Can indifference be state of mind.... If so how long do these "state of mind(s)" last. Huh....

How do you sort it to the extent that the shadows are not these towers of personalities, but a mere likeness of you....

My continuation of perfect date

Achoo, ogh, ogh...(thats me sneezing, coughing, with a sore throat...)

T: Mamma what are you doing?
I: Just some make up beta...
T: oh!

We got seated at TGIF's, ordered our drinks, suddenly it struck me how the frame sitting opposite to me is a small person's and not an adult, he and i cheered to our drinks, he wanted to follow it up with a hi five, I did.

Somewhere during dinner, one of the songs i listen to all the time on FM, was playing in the restaurant, and T beams "mamma this is your favorite song", i just couldnt..... what can i say, it was amazing how he pays attention, mera baccha...meri jaan.

i was so bummed about my camera, i still am, but the evening w/ t was just getting nicer by the minute. Left a dollar bill with a note.... As we stepped out, the music in the lobby was loud enough for him to pick the rhythm and he started dancing right there, i joined him....it was so fun....but it was funnier just watching him dance and spill his sprite all over.

We then headed back to the beach after dinner, I pulled the windows down and let the ocean breezes aloha us! Did i mention how disappointed i'm abt my camera? humph...

Walked in the moonlight to the sounds of the clashing waves on the boardwalk for quite some time, I was tempted for an ice cream, but i held my temptations very tight!

Aaj subah...i really missed my camera, I sorely wanted to click all that my mind was consuming while we were strolling in the nooks and crannies of the beach town. It's just beautiful....the small town-ness to it, the mosaics, the shirtless builders, surfers...., the hammocks, the tyre swings....brightly laced flowers in the garden bed. If i was a writer, i'd write a novel about the woman who owned a book store on the beach!

I miss it already, I hope i'll get to go there soon... pg 781 ....

on my PL thanks P for this one! (mark of 4:24, :39 - sweet)

T when and if you read this, you are such a joy to my life, our life! Remember that when you absolutely need to perk up yourself, baba.