days and nights

It's one of those many days and nights that I lay awake wondering, what..... more so I battle with my demons of loneliness. As I wash the bottles I can't help but feel the wetness on my face.

There are many reasons for today's being low, but mostly I hate the fact that my dad is not around. As I was in the dentists office getting ready to get my tooth pulled, the doc and nurse saw what I felt and asked me if I was crying because of the pain?

As strangers as they are to me I couldn't tell them it's not the pain from my tooth but from my heart. With my eyes closed for the surgical process all I was seeing was my dad squeezing my hand and telling me it'll all be fine, beta, in dr. Sri rams dental office in hyd. I strongly felt what I felt. I missed him because he raised us knowing no pain, he gave us only love, unconditional love. In a way he spoilt us, and raised us to expect the same, which is so far from truth. The warmth, love and comfort I felt at home has not yet been felt again.

I force myself to smile, splash cold water on a September night and head to bed.


Sent from my iPhone

After

After a hair cut, Taran and I hanging out at the Hot breads, waiting for biryani ( start of summer, i think). I love this moment. My shona darling. 

I have started to re-read "Scarlet Feather" by Maeve Binchy, I was getting too tired to go to library to fetch a book from library, too lazy to download one on my kindle, so scoured the books i had and picked my fave, on page 93, hung out with ammi in her room late night and i was reading the book while she was playing sudoku. It was a perfect quite moment, i'll cherish. 

Walk it on!

I just treated myself to this pair of Red dolls...that i totally didnt need and they are super impractical, I ouldnt resist them. As I was walking thru DSW, they literally called out to say, i needed them.

An impulse buy....but what the heck. The heel is so fierce that i can use it as a dagger to hurt someone. But honestly arent they vigorous. Even my mom couldnt hold her temptation and tried my shoes on :) though they are 3 times bigger than her size.

 

Flowers and Lists

Every morning, my day starts with such energy and high, i plan all the things i want to get done, my day seems so full of potential. It feels like i could be on a cloud and just choreograph people in doing what i want :) and the world (my world) would be so perfect with a bling.

Then mid morning happens and reality of the day and the practicality of it dawns on me, and my sore wish, that i can use extra help to get things done, gets stronger and stronger.

I have this rotating list, that for heavens sake, just gets pushed back and back. The realty space it takes in my head is boggling. So now my latest venture is to book myself a kayaking day trip for myself, just me. But now i'm having second thoughts if i should tag ammi along too and do the kayaking dinner trip. As i'm finishing that thought the pending call to dentist clashes with it.

You know it would be better off and more sane if i just picked the phone and finished it. But since i'm a procrastinator, i've learnt to live with my rotating lists and the mistakes i made.

On a lighter, sweeter note, yday in the park,  while Taran and Isha were petting Marcello's dog, chucho, in the middle of that, he ran to me with a wild flower in his hand. I felt so loved...just as my feeling was taking me over, he ran back (to the dog i thought, but no!). he came back with another wild flower in his hand for Isha's mom. I was beaming in my heart with love and pride. My son knows how not to leave a lady without a  flower. muaah meri jaan....

signing off with T's fave song we sing in the car...

Where is it?

I had a whirlwind day, running T for a haircut, errands, taking him to Hot breads for his fave biryani and choclate mousse cake, long stop at barnes and nobles, he made a new friend there, they both made some shooting object looking thing with lego's and were running around.

To make him get out of there, i reluctantly promised him to take him to a park. Now he announces his new friend proudly "i have to go now, i'm going to a park."

That kid: Which park are you going to?

Answering for t, i said: Miller Park.

That kid: Where is it?

I was reluctant to answer, but t politely said "it's next to the hair cut place".

Being persistent, that kid, asked "where is it, where is the hair cut place"

T being T replied "Willer (it was miller) park, is where the hair cut place, and the hair cut place is next to Willer park".

I cracked up, the lady next to me cracked up, she said "well, that doenst help much". T looked at me with such puzzled eyes, as if, why would you all laugh.

signing off with a olden goldie....

Window

this morning, a friends blog, made me smile while drinking chai : )

More so, this slumber i'm in, i detest it, i feel like a part of me is screaming to write, think about what to write, and dishes out words thoughts and everything else that goes with it to write, but i stopped myslef on purpose, not because of obvious reasons, but because i imposed this time off on myself. A dear friends blog made me want to write for kicks, wake me up kinda. During this self imposed time off, for better or worse, i've learnt to accept the place where i'm in my life. Seriously nothing makes sense sometimes, it seems like total chaos in my head, but a boy i love so much his smile comes to my mind, his silly songs, his take on things comes to my mind, and i tolerate everything else.

Anyway, recently i had Drew (my handyman) come in a take care of little things around the house. As a result, i get to enjoy this view outside my window. I just love love love the view of the hanging flowering plant from my window. Reminds me of our vacation in Europe, the city of Bath, everywhere we walked, little pebble lined streets, with these amazing restaurants, welcomed us with flowering pots outside the windows, it absolutely warmed my heart. Since then i had always wanted to have one where i can see one myself, and thanks to Drew, it happened finally 7 yrs later ; )

On another note, if you are not on pinterest, you just might like it if you have a half soul of crafty person inside you. i'm slowly getting reeled into it, i tried one idea already i recycled a small milk carton to water my plants. Loving it! and this will be my second idea, i have my son's rain boots which he'll outgrow very soon, guess what they are going to be now.....cant wait! Welcome me back :)

Source: bettinaholst.blogspot.com via Lone on Pinterest

James Blunt You are beautiful (at gala premios)

Check out this video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9L_EU-wtt88&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Sent from my iPhone

Bad vs Good

This is the boy that holds my heart in his hand and walks around. The unexpected part is he holds it with such fragility that he humbles me, brings me down on my knees, makes me stronger and weaker at the same time. 

Few days ago, in a moment of weakness i lost my temper and was harsh on him. Within few seconds my senses reasoned with me to see how unfair i was to him, there he was being childish, and here i was being all grown up. I lost the happy medium for few unstable   seconds.

As my reasoning was coming over & my guilt was washing me with my running tears, i just rested my head on his lap, not expecting his response, he understood where i was coming from and he tightly hugged me and he started crying too. 

Amidst all this i asked him to punish mamma since mamma was so baaad. He got upset that i said "Mamma was bad", he said no, mamma's not bad, mamma is nice, mamma is nice. 

I was so ashamed of myself, what good was my being grown up of, there he was a 4yr old, in his life his love is so clear and unbiased, without any expectations. 

I resoluted that i'll use this as my lesson for being a better person (to him, atleast : )

Lost messages...

Many weeks ago, i found a letter in white envelope just soaked in rain near my home. The person inside me who's afraid of lost messages picked it up and tucked it in my jacket. 

Many weeks later, i wore the same jacket and as i tucked my hand in the pocket, what do i find ??? Grrhhh....My guilt shot up so many levels up, i cant explain. 

So i picked a cheerful color envelope and wrote a cheerful note,  accompanied my note with the lost one, I snail mailed it to the person who deserved the letter. 

Now that i've sent it, another thought is haunting me, did i do the right thing, if the original letter was meant for the reader then it would not have lost itself. If someone wanted to sent me a letter then i'd have liked to read it, irrespective of how late the msg comes to me. 

Sweet!

Aag suraj mein hoti hai
Jalna zameen ko padta hai


Mohabbath nigahe karti hai
Tadapna dil ko padta hai.

(heard in a movie and smiled)

Strong and going....

On the eve of new years, we decided to head to Red door Spa, after getting much needed pampering of the skin and soul, we headed to the refresher make up room. Cynthia, she was, after doing my friends face and lips, she asked me if i wanted the same shade, being me, i said i'd rather try another shade, after few iffy suggestions, she pulled out a shade & said it would suit the inside of my lips, pink pout it was.

While doing my lips, she says, this actually suits your personality. Quizzing her i asked her, which one would that be, like it was a no brainer, she said, you have a strong personality and this shade suits you. I just couldnt hold it, i cracked up laughing, she barely spent an hour with me while doing my facial, and now she made the bang on judgement.

My friend couldnt agree more, you are right, that's what she is, like a flame to the esters, the beautician, said, most women are not, so it's good to come across one. Few hours into new years day, it felt like she reintroduced me to a familiarity of mine, 'My strength....' it's been both a blessing and otherwise, people test me for it, see how far i can be stretched because of it, some have relied on the same, i have relied on myself to cruise through some tough ones, and smile at others with the brush of a feather.

Our stay at Seaview resort was very relaxing and peaceful, it was quite unlikely than the past new years eve. There were two weddings and people dressed to kill on new years eve, it was quite refreshing that AC was not just about gambling and there is more to it. Will surely recommend it and do it all over again.

Note to self, send a snail mail to the chef in the grille room, how awesome was the crispy buttermilk chicken salad, the dressing was a killer, killer, killer. Taran and rest of the kids had a blast in the game room, it was first time for taran to enjoy a room service breakfast which was so comforting, just wake up, call, bingo, eat, chill and go out. We rang the new year with funny stories, lots of drinks and hearty laughs.

It felt like a tight arm around my shoulder, walking with me into the new year. 

Fascinated....

My dad has been the greatest educator in my life than my life itself.

In one of our discussions in my adolescent years, i blatantly blamed Gandhiji for the great divide to take place between India and Pakistan, how could he have allowed the division of countries, was he favoring the partition which was more or less based on religious values, if he had really wanted, he could have stopped, was my childish arguement.

He looked at me with those eyes that meant i was growing up and am entitled to my opinions. Yet, in few words he said "That wasnt true, it wasnt in his hands to decide, i cant allow you to think about a great man in ways that are not true". He suggested when i'm old enough, i'll UNDERSTAND the history. I took it that reading about it wasnt enough, i had to grow some more and i pondered was there more to it than what i know....The more i acquaint myself with his legacy, the more i'm fascinated by him, i feel there must be more to all this than what we read.

When i was in india last, my chacha, took a broom and started to clear the blockage of leaves in the narrow path of dry sewage next to our house that was clogging water. I quickly saw and went to rescue him and say "kyon chacha, app karr rahe ho, when the maids will come they'll do it". Yet, my chahcha said, "You know linku, bapuji said, if everyone does thier job without associating shame or embarrassment to it, the world would be a much better place to live".

There i was holding a sleepy baby Taran in my hands, next to my chacha, and he was blessing me with his deep sense of individuality.

All these feelings have been ruffled today as I came across this website, The Satyagraha House, the very house that housed Gandhiji and his architect friend Herman, his priniciples, his unrest, his simplicity and where the Satyagraha movement started its roots. Its recently been restored by a French company "Voyageurs du monde" and is now open to public. It gives a unique opportunity to stay in the guest house or just visit it as a museum. Kudos to the team of historian, curators, interior designers - who made this possible, who brought us little closer to the history of the life of a man we need to reacquaint ourselves with.

Thank you....merci beaucoup.

Me Judge not :)

Ek yaad kagaz ki khawab ki

Ek awaaz patton ki saans ki

Ek khat phulon ki raaz thi

Ek qwaish baki hai

.....ab milon ke raaste ki

Buss inn chaar batoin mein

Ek kashish guzara karta hai

Kabhi pyar se gale laga liya tho

Kabhi berukhi se anjanaa kar diya!

My poetic bone is unusually active oflate. When there is so much to say....

atteri kya baath hai....mein ithni romanchak hoon kya baath hai...

Great wolf lodge

Dec last year....something along this lines happened. 

I'm a sucker for short trips, long ones, vacations, skipping my reality is always a invitation to experience life more than what we are doing to it. 

Last week, drove little over 100 miles to reach Great Wolf Lodge. What can i say, the place was nothing short of magical.

Playing in water park at 84 degrees, you feel for a sec the disconnect between the outside temp and the one inside, margaritas, junk food, freshening up, heading to story time which was the highlight for me, T absolutely loved it....everyone in swim wear, flipflops, people of all ages were enjoying the splashes of water waves in the pool. 

When the native american puppet finishes telling a story about being brave in the forest, just then, there is a snow fall, the kids just ran to catch the snow and chase it. All the folks hair was covered in snow, and going to arcade, catching ice cream flavored after b'day cake. yumm yumm yumm....

The no fuss part is what i like the most, when u check in to this place they put a wrist band on you, which has your credit card details, so no matter where u go inside the hotel, u dont have to carry your wallet, just scan your wrist band and bang on, u r on a roll. If you are ever in the hood with your friends or family, this is a place that must be experienced. 

From around

http://www.ifoundyourcamera.net

1. Via my sunday ritual of PostSecret i came across this wonderful site which is a great resource to help people find thier lost cameras, pictures.....i think what they give back is more than just pictures, they give back treasures of lost moments. Something about that guys eyes is so captivating.

http://nyctaughtme.blogspot.com

2. If you are ever in the want to know "how to get kissed on top of empire state building". this is it ;)

3. This time of the year, Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia looks beautiful.







4. This vid from Madewell is super awesome, you need go by gut instinct and answer in five seconds. When i finished, i was surprised how accurate it was.

5. Beautiful Wedding in a barn, perfect style. Check it out here.

6. How wonderful is this loft, i want to escape there for few days all by myself and just zone out.

7. To end the list with this song i've heard on radio first thing this morning, and i felt this thing take over me. Beautiful lyrics, "yaad teri kabhi dastak kabhi sarghoshi se"....love love love it....