WWUD

i was watching some show and made me think if i was to date one person live or passed, who would that be and what would i order?

hmm....firstly i need more than one date, i'd have to start with George Clooney, John Abraham !!! Saif Ali Khan, Will Smith and Gandhi. And every time i'd order kebabs with grilled vegetables ; )

next one, is it better to have been loved and lost, or never been loved?

never loved.

Which authors books can you read over and over again?

Maeve Binchy.

finally who let the dogs out??

has to be neighbors cute kids.

i just realized, my darn blog makes no sense, but that's why i call it JLT.

by god!

 

Cleaning up his bunny milk covered toy cars, spills on the floor, changing shoes umpteenth time, i couldnt help but realize what stark difference it is before you have the little devils and after. I mean i cant belive my sense of home decor is now dictated by his choice of toys, which end up on my window sill, i mean i totally respect master chifu and tiger and the darling panda. I mean i only watch it once a day even after my son has gone to bed.

Some of his toy cars end up with my cutlery, my clock gets misplaced for a week, DVD's are scratched beyond repair, precious pictures are torn, the water dispenser in the refrigerator is locked, we resort to tap water !!! really, by god, it's crazy, i've to make strategies of when to open the door, how to close the garage door with minimum sound...it's taken a lot of patience and hell lotta love to reorg our lives for my sweet devil child.

but most of all i've slowly learned to not to sweat it...

Life's little instruction book

In my kitchen, next to the stove, i have my dad's picture, under his picture, i have a book he once gave me, or maybe i sneaked it out of his library. I randomly open and see what was it that i meant to have happened on for that day.

Today, as i opened, i read this one instruction no 222. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret (....darn it, i wish i had opened it this am, i'm always late)

tho i thought chalo, coincidence, move on, turn to another random page, this couldnt have been more truer instruction no 245. Never cut what can be untied.

Wow, that is beautiful.

they are here!

 

I was surprised in a sweet way, my tulips are here, when i see my tulips coming back each year, it just makes me feel on toppa world for few seconds. It feels like, yeah, i kinda wanna hangout with you, so i came back types....acha hai.

 

And these decided to survive somehow, maybe they had to, i was skeptical when i was planting them, but they are still here, so that says something, right. Even after a lot of hardship, it stayed.

This reminds me of the days when my mom would ask me to water plants and take a soft cotton cloth to wipe the leaves, and while i'm at it, she'd say dont forget to talk to them, they like to hear from you. i was like yeah sure, but when no one was looking i would tell all abt my school stuff to those plants. wow, my mom is such a nut. I call her after my gym and she asks me do you do work out like sweat it out or do you just breeze in and out....i was like mom stop it, i'm a grown up, dont u thin i'd have figured simple things by this time.

Had to

 

Couldnt resist them, they were calling my name, so i treated myself with these lovely bright bunch. They are blooming in my living room with such mild fragrance, hmmm....i'm loving it, and dancing to this hard kaur no. trying to find my groove back couldnt have been started better- rab nu dikha de..., nach ke dikade thu soniya!

Recently....

i just finished reading a ted dekker book "three".

After i closed the book, i held it in my hand and pondered away. Is jealousy as evil as it is portrayed, i went back to few instances when i felt jealous of a friend, of what they have in thier lives, not as in things, but the kind of life, thier friends, life which was what i had in mind for my life. How it made me feel, at that time. What i saw in the mirror, was a empty face.... a face with no features, just skin, eyes, woried forehead! Dont know to waht extent is it evil, but i can see the resemblance.

Maybe it just reflected, my mood off late. I've been feeling lonely, feeling kinda dejected and obsolete. I;ve never felt this way before, but i pass at different points of my life and watch it play in my head the happy times, the bad times, the questionable times, the times that made me who i am, what i've become. I and people i know credit me with being a strong personality, I do not refute that. But a part of me feels lonely.

I need to find a way to bare it to the world and let it see if it'll accept me. The big question is would it matter if it does or doesnt?

- i to me

Give me some sunshine...give me some rain...na na na

After i drop my son at his school, i head to dunkin's for my leisurely bfast, but this time the girl offered me free hash browns...i really like thier hash browns, ...thank you stranger !

There is someone i really need to talk to, but the prob is that person is not the easy kind to talk to. I imagine this talk going very roughly, but i have had this conversation abt zillion times in my head and every time it doesnt end well, no matter how i replay it, it just doenst end right. But some relationships are so hard to continue and yet not easy to walk off from.

i just miss my dad, i wish he'd guide me, this is one way how he'd want us to grow up, i guess. I have to, i will. Watching Silsila y'day, amitji says "baath ko taal ne se, baath suljh thi nahi hai"....just that alone, puts me in center of a lot of things, i've chosen to ignore and how they are come back to question me and my integrity in the midst of my darkness. Yet, for the sake of sanity, or maybe for the fear of actually having to live through the moments, i'm choosing to let it be. Maybe that's how life passes by you, when you choose not to live the rough times.

What is, is...and what will be, will be....I'm only a small dot in the puzzle. Troy Dunn said...you cant have peace, if you dont have all the pieces. I'll just to settle with yearning for that peace.

Thank you blog...

The big O

I had this show recorded, would go look at the info and couldnt dare to play it. I knew what it was about, but couldnt get myself to play it. One afternoon i thought i'll give it a shot. As i started to watch it, she said for this one hour keep your judgement and the repulsion aside, and watch it as a priceless information that you can use to protect your kids. I determined myslef to look at it that way, she said it, so i'll try it with all my will.

But as the four convicted child molesters started talking about why and how things rolled, my stomach churned, a man old enough to be a grand dad- 65 yr old man, a father, a friend, a stranger....all sat on plain looking folding chairs, with thier therapist present, oprah was asking them these questions that you'd want to ask. Why, how, have u thought of what damage the victims have been through. I was surprised of how this one guy acknowledged that thought, he said, i've killed her spirit, i've murdered her, i've killed what she could have been if i hadnt done horrible things to her.

When the father was talking, my stomach was churning, i felt like puking, but i kept reminding myself, leave judgement and repulsion for this one hour. So i did, i cant say i can understand them...

But what i have to admit is, to come out on national television and admit thier shame, what is so disgusting, all this so that parents out there can keep an eye out for their kids and look for any signs. So that they can protect thier kids and let them live in their innocence little longer.

Beleive your kid, if they say something, dont dismiss them.

Legible Kindness

Dear stranger,

What actually happened y'day was...i was trying to be on schedule, i alwasy try to be on one. Getting things done on time, follwong a pattern, trying to be safe, taking mild risks, all part of the BIG game, i guess. All this becoz i have set high standards for myslef, some i cant even accomplish, even daily tasks i try to do with such organization, that my mind is getting tired of keeping up with the details. Where i keep my recycled batteries, where i keep my childhood pictures, where is my sons birth certificate etc, just to keep on top of things i quiz myself, to make sure i remember. Yeah i know...

In such a rush after my errand at post office and giving my son his trip to Library and taking out some cool books, i just wanted to get home in time to feed my toddler and put him down for his noon nap. All has to be done by 1-1.15pm. Back to the point, in that rush, i put the library books on the bonnet so that i could unlock the car while i was holding my son. Except after strappin ghim in, i never got to pick up the books.

I didnt realize until later after i got home. Yet, i didnt rush back for the books, i still questioned myself what was the right thing to do, to go look for the books or feed my todd. I fed his mac n'cheese, yougurt and strapped him back in the car and rushed to the crime scene.

No luck, no books strewn across the parking lot ! i knew my bad luck was a part of it. I Kept asking myself, what was wrong with me, how could i be so stupid, how come i was losing it, do i have any ounce of capability and efficiency left to do mundane tasks?? I beat mysel fup over this for a most of the day and when i hit the sack it struck me i forgot all about it. I realized, good things happen to people who do good deeds so i left it at that.

Today, I swayed in my daily activites, taking my tyke out and all that, i forgot to check my online library a/c. When i did, Viola, what do i see, you returned my books. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...

Humanitly is still out there, thank you caring enough to put the books back in the returns.

I'll pay it forward.

Love,
Me

Even if the sky is falling down

you ought to know.....to let it go....

started my day driving to this song in the car to drop off my tike at the malvern school. We both had fun, it surely pumped me up to start my day in a fun way....

So i met this dad whom i keeping bumping into (which in not uncommon) at daycare. He told me the other day how his indian friends taught him all foul words, i was like oh yeah, do u remember any? he beamed to say "Bakwaaz"....and i thought it was so amusing. We both laughed and went our ways.

So we bumped into eachtoher again and i asked him if they taught him anymore, he shied up to say well i'm being modest not to use any, if it was any other american foul word i wouldnt have been so modest...huh.

Abey oye saaley, maati miley, ullu ka patta....kya bolna chahta hai re....idotic specimen.

i smiled and i was like maybe later dude.

drove to B&N to a hot cappuccino and got blessed with few books....

gtg

Less

i wish i can be more articulate
i wish i can be less complicated
i wish i can be more of someone to somebody....
i wish i can make a difference

my diary

who, what and where...am i! Seems like everyday i present myself with a new me. i'm perplexed and wonder what more can i bring to myself. Really, why is it that i'm so aware of these situations. now that word situation, it takes me to the meeting i recently had few days before i quit.

Last...i dont know what day of the week it was, tagging along my son in the cart, i found myself picking up Oscar De La Renta's camisoles at sams club, the very next day i was buying svaroski's ear candy, and cutting a clip of cute dress from fossil's fall catalog to stick on my fridge to remind me of the shoes i have tucked in the basement. While i was in the salon with the desi gal doing my eyebrows, i flipped through pages of Lucky mag, onthis certain page it featured what the editor would like to buy for that week, and ironicaaly it featured the pencil skirt i so splurged on and wore it work and so loved the feel of it. i felt tall, i felt beautiful, i felt sexy, i felt foxy...i got all that for a 45 fucking dollars worth of a skirt. maybe i should buy more of those. but then again i find myself in the strange aisles at wholesale stores! fuck jeez i dont know who i've become. Has being a mom stripped me out of the need to look good. I've given 80% of my clothes shoes and accessories to good will.

when i'm at these so called wholesale or boutique stores, i wonder what do the other shoppers see me as, am i the bland looking gal with bad hair day, who am i to these people, am i the one with "why the hell are her pores so big", "why is she wearing sweat pants on a hot day". Do they see me as a what i put out there, do they see me by the way i speak, do they see me by the name on my credit card. i dont know if it matters to me because i dont know what i'm thought of. Not knowing doesnt bother me, it bothers me that i want to know and do something about it.

Dream doodled...

in drawing....

Way before is started hopping around here and there, way before when i use to call "college" as "college" and not school....when i was preparing for my final exams, i preferred to study alone just a day before exams...if it's mid morning i use to take my books and haul my ass off to the terrace at Dattasai apts, bring a chair and just stare into the bright fluffy clouds hanging over here and there, the VST facory's large building, lot of grays in the white and all the buildings seemed distant from where i was sitting. i can pin point to the moment that i knew i was moving on in my life, i was growing up, i wont be who i was then, i'll bemore of a person with more to learn, these exams were just for the sake of...so i picked up my pencil, laid my feet on the concrete, gently dropped the books on the floor and started doodling....i doodled a home with a perfect porch, a car, a place to hang your rainy coat, the ivy to grow...my dreams to build and grow, my window to the world and the cute cutains....everything was there.

i wish i can find that book and see how close i got to where i'm now.

Brighter morning

After baring my heart on blogosphere, and listening to kishore da's songs which transcended me to my college days and my light hearted days, i started to feel better. I'm going to take good out of this experience, i forced myself to let taran grow a bit on his own, trusted him to have a piece of his own world; met some amazing people (atleast they seemed like it), made me realize i have it in me to be more of myself, i'm a mom, a wife, a friend, a person on my own, it seemed far stretched at one point of motherhood, but now, i feel more of well rounded than before. Thanks to the world that never ceases to throw new experiences ur way. Thank you world, thank you god!

My short time

i know soon i'll get over it by the end of next week or so. But i'm really going through a roller coater of emotions, all at the same time. i recount the things that happened there, the people i met, the work that was going on, the funny incidents, my break time, being close to KOP, everything that lead to that friday morning. A fusion of anger, despair, lost, blankness, numbness, whats and whys ? is what i'm going through right now. For some insane reason, i thought i was done (for now) with my share of bad ripples. But apparently not!

My spirit is down more so because i'm hitting a wall with my son. He's decided not to eat for the past week and that run is still going on. Maybe i wish for him to rebound to my changes and just go back to how he and i were before the insanity of going to school, work etc have started. It feels so chaotic and i feel like i'm caught in the whirlwind. My huge concern is his eating. if he ate well, and was his usual, i would have boomeranged smoothly without as much brouhaha.

Yeh jeevan hai...