i want to start

Some go untouched by the darkness
some are just engulfed in it
and for some it lurks around like a dark cloud.

Earth day inspired me...

to head to Home depot and buy an aerator. I installed it myself in the kitchen faucet, it makes a squishh... sound, but i like that sound. Feels like you are home. I've to install one in the bathroom faucet too.

Y'day when i bought some Transformer undies for Taran, at the store i told the nice lady i didn't want the plastic bag, instead i just stuffed those in my bag, if only the security guy had seen it, he'd have thought it was my loot. Anyway, i'm making an extra conscious effort to take the reusable cloth bags to grocery stores, returns and everywhere.

Every time i subconsciously head to the paper napkins, i bite my lip and use a cloth one instead, i've literally stopped using Clorox wipes, maaan, it's not easy, but nothing good in life is easy, so i've keep doing my bit. I still hate that diapers are so baaad for the environment, i saw this segment on TLC about how diapers are made, how many trees is it responsible for, it made me sick to my stomach. But i do my bit by not putting them on taran all the time and thinkin gof potty training him sooner.

Wish me luck for the small vegetable garden i'm planning to start, just some squash, mint and green peppers for this summer.

Please do your bit too my friends, and we might salvage a little bit in our lifetime.

When are you open to love

While undressing herself, tears roll down her cheeks as she stands by the bank of the Greek rivers, she thinks to herself, why is she so closed up, why is that people who have lost everything or something very important in life are not beaten and they are willing to try to open thier hearts ? How come that she hasnt lost anything, infact has everyhting in her life and still unable to open herself up to give love or feel people around her?? (from the movie sisterhood of traveling pants)

----just then i hear little bursts of wailing from tarans room so i stop the dvr and head to his room to put him back to sleep. But i couldnt take that picture of the girl from my mind worse yet, what she said was very profound to me.

i was like that, that was me, what she was saying to herself was a lot about me. Until my rock, my dad was here, i had everything, and yet i wasnt very receptive to people, not very responding infact i'd even ignore some out of pride but just didnt matter. But now having lost him and see how people came to our rescue every bit of the way, strangers at the airport who helped me, friends who stood away, friends who stood by, everyone in the bigge rpicture seemed to matter. I'm now more open to love people, atleast like them for who they are and not what i wish they could be. I'm getting there...

my tears wet my sons tee, as i thought of dad. I miss him so heart wrenchingly bad...i just want him to know i'm so proud of him.

Yaadien

Last night on Lifetime, Akeelah the Bee was on. This was my dad's favorite movie, he made 3 copies for all 3 of us, to make sure we saw the movie. Before they were leaving for hajj i went to help them pack and just be there. At that time, he and i watched this movie together in Rjy. Watching that movie now alone in my living room, brought back memories of him. He made sure we understood how important education is, he made sure we saw value of education and learning in everyday life. He never ever forced us to learn or read, it was just way he was, you felt like knowing more, more about life, things, people and stuff. I feel a sting of warm tears on my cheeks but the most hard to deal with is, that he left so much for us to think of, to remember. Even he's not here, i cant believe how much i've learnt about life and people. Thank you baba.

This morning when i called my mom to tell her about the movie, she just resounded what i was feeling, she eloquently out that "he left us with just memories now". He did, you did dad, with such great ones that i'm humbled that i'm your daughter. I'm proud to be your daughter. I love you.

Be back soon my darling.....

BIG SHOUT OUT TO A BABY

My friend madhu and his wife were blessed with a baby boy, on march 17th, whose name they are still trying to pick. I'm super happy for both of them and wishing them the sleepless nights, dirty diapers, happy baths and especially a picky eater. there you go...ha ha.

I think it does

matter....

you see while Vamsi and i were prepping for lunch with friends at home, I mentioned to him how tea tastes better in this certain cup vs. another one. Though i make it with the same no of tea bags, same amount of time in the microwave....somehow the tea tastes better in one cup rather than any other cup.

to that vamsi says maybe you should do a thesis on that. (read being sarcastic)...actually its not such a bad idea maybe i should, something to do with the kind of china they make the cup with should make the difference. i dont know...all i know is i know a good cuppa joe from a bad one.

what says...

Perfect biryani ??

Is it a myth or is there such a thing as a perfect biryani?

Being a hyderabadi amongst other traits of mine, i'm expected to know er well just know how to make decent biryani....after innumerous attempts by my mom to show and go over the recipe zillion times, she now resorts to "remember i told you the last time" ... kinda answer each time i ask her now for that step by step.

Few weekends ago, Vamsi was just going gala over Indu's biryani, ohh...this...oohh...that, i was green with envy, if indu could make it, surely i could whip some good old ass biryani...aieh...no offence to indu...he's just not that much into cooking....he defenitely know his food...he brings the best take out food ever....followed by desserts...ammm...i still remember the chocolate cookie he once got for priya and me, late night....we devoured it and like little sneaky greedy kids we ate that to the last lick.

hold on i was on biryani right, i digressed ; ) so in other words though i was jealous, i was totally inspired, no, really i had to learn and show. So even though in the past i whined about how many dishes it takes to make, how long the process is, how many calories it is, and yet never missed an opportunity to eat biryani.

so one evening i tied my apron like a shield and followed indu's recipe, it kinda is like my mom's except without yogurt. I used "Parampara" biryani mix instead of Shaan. My pantry only had parampara! Anyway after using 13 dishes...this includes the lids of the pots and pans, the cutting board, the knife, the ladles, and one and 1/2 hours later, my biryani turned out pretty good. Vamsi was very satisfied, i thought it could have been better, but i'm always so modest, no !

So my next attempt would be with another brand of biryani mix. So salaams to the biryani....

(next time you make your biryani at home, lemme know how it turned out and what was ur recipe...make a special day out of it..aieh)

Smile Pinki

When i was blissfully exhausting my adolescence in college, a friend of mine once said, you have a nice smile so what else can you ask for? I was floored... with the compliment, but that thought tucked away peacefully thinking a smile is enough even if you dont have other physical attributes that we give too much importance to.

Once came an opportunity at eid time for me to donate, so i didnt hesitate to google a good organisation, Smile Train came up, my dad writes with the pen name 'Smile' and also with that compliment that i got many years ago, sealed my decision to go ahead with them. When i got a sweet card from them thanking me, i called and asked would i possilbly know whom i helped, she said look at the picture i sent you, pick a child and think that you helped that child. It was very.... i dont know what to say....but it felt like it doesnt matter which one i helped, it just matters that i did.

Last night, when Smile Pinki won the oscar for the best short documentary film, i had tears rolling as Taran was sleeping in my arms, i cried because it's been 4 months to this day that we took our dad to the hospital, because he's alwasys around me and i just want to talk to him.

But mostly because i was happy that a girl got her smile back.

I'm so proud....

of Taran. While feeding him last night, my darling ate pasta with a fork for the first time y'day Feb 13th, and i just stood there dumbfounded. I watched him for many many seconds with a proud heart swelling with joy. I love you taran....

Interesting day

Y'day afternoon i was reading one of the many excerpts from my dads book, this one was from mr. velamati satyanarayana garu. He mentioned few things there that had my tears rolling.... i had to let him know how much it meant to me. I jotted down his no on a post-it and stuck it on my kitchen pantry. This morning, i couldnt reach my mom's cell for some reason, so i called him instead. Just hearing his voice brought back the picture of him in my living room, of him when we got dad to eluru. As much as I detained myself i choked as i was talking to him, a simple man, living a simple life. But today as we spoke, he touched my life, my day in a way that cant be put in words.

I love you baba.

Shulman

While putting my son down for his afternoon nap, i fell asleep with him for like 10 mts, i woke hurriedly to get to my tea, i have a hangover from that slight nap. As i sip my chai, i read mr.shulman's diary. Dad often use to tell me about him, how dad nad shulman with mr. patanjali went here and there. He's a jewish, pardon me that's totally irrelevant but for some reason our background comes alive when we are places we arent expected to be. He was in one such place, my rajahmundry, he was learning telugu my dad would say, he's a professor at the Israel uni. Wow so much for credentials. But my dad somehow always knows people, for what they are to what he is. My dad is now sketched in life in our minds by the memories of the people he knew, and some that we'll never know.

Move...ees

Since i'm back from india, whenever i get a break from running behind my son, i anxiosuly pop in a dvd to watch. So far, i've managed to see Guide, Sagara sangamam and for the past three days my trials to finish Mughal-E-Azam hasnt been fruitful. But one thing i've come to realize is that, the movies you see as a kid make a different sense than when compared to seeing the same movie now, when you are all grown up and can figure things out in more mature way. The essence of the dialogues are making more sense now, the circumstances seem more compelling now, the feelings seem more real now.

When i saw these movies many years ago, i only felt for the hero and herione and thought poor guys, it's so unfair, or why did thier parents have to make them do this and so and so. But now since i've gained more perspective on life and experiencing many life events in many angles....i finally get the "picture". My personal fave so far has been Guide....

(Thanks M for those dvd's)

Dear dad

Happy Birthday!

Now a date is just another day in the bigger picture. I wish........i really wish.....

An old note

Stars, stones and moon shine from far. The emotion of being everything and nothing when locked hard within - then a explosion is just a mere whisper. All those unexpected hallways, showers, lifestyles walk with me. Just a breeze would brush a brief memory. The fear of losing wasn't as bad as the fright of reaching.

I want to walk with myself. But the burden of those unspoken landscapes sketched deep inside me wouldn't let me. I saw myself working hard, trying to finish tying knots, meeting the ends. The early mornings, the anxious dusk's and dawns.

I miss home.

I found this note while rummaging thru boxes of old photgraphs.

Lipstick Jungle

No I don’t mean the book, these days as I head out to work, my lipstick lands on taran’s forehead and hair, so his head ends up having a tint of my lip gloss. My clothes, I make sure that I’m wearing something soft that he can rest his head on. Since fashion guru's (read Sex & City)ban on scrunchies to be worn in public, I’ve followed that restriction religiously, but now that is gone down the drain, I swear, I’m Imtiaz, I sport a scrunchie in public once in a while…because my little boy likes to pull on my hair as if it’s the last hope to hang on. Though I’ve bought some cute spring shoes, now I’m afraid to wear them, what with the extra fifteen pounds I carry (my son again), I cant dare to slip on the runway : )

So this weekend I’ve splurged and got 2 Vera Wang bags. Atleast he can’t mess with that, and I have a reason to think that I can throw his stuff in those dear bags.