Wednesday, November 04, 2015
Mile...pebbles
14th evening....The cute guy from vendor company came in at 3.45pm while listenng to him make an impression on everybody else i made a list of things I'd like to accomplish for my big day. I stare at the clock till 4.30 and couldn't wait a second longer, I leave for Ann Taylor - $207, stopped at Giant 136$ there, gave Tania a shower, made fish for dinner, washed dishes, fed kids, ate dinner and tucked Tania to bed, messaged back everyone who sent me wishes - ammi, anita maam, nitin, moyeed, naresh, - i dozed off or so i thought. - MY friends - ashi and nishi with V
Monday, August 24, 2015
Ashiyana
I guess we all come to a point where things become clearer, you certainly look at things differently, you decide on things differently, but does it change who you are? No, so far I havent changed the way i feel about stuff, people. Am i little less apprehensive of how i am perceived, yes, much lesser. Does that mean i care less, umm hmm no, but it does mean i care more.
I'm learning to accept myself and not punish myself for it. Not beat myself for it....It is what it is and I'm ok with the fact that I cant change things, I cant repurpose life, I can repurpose myself, my perceptions and what I allow myself to be.
I'm ok with taking charge for initiating things to happen, if they happen or not, I'm willing to not be too overtaken by it.
Buying a home is surely proving to be a challenge. Losing 1063 was very hard, I imagined living there, the second I walked in, my child's mature way of thinking - made me feel like getting it all the more. 395 Turnberry - well that's a glam house, with all the bells and whistles...had everything we wanted, but i knew in the corner of my heart it isnt happening, or maybe i had too many apprehensions, the snow removal, the sloped yard, but yet it wowed me, the white kitchen sucked me into it :) When the stucco issues started to surface, all the red flags started to flap harder :) so there it went, we were still grieving about 1063 - our simple home. It reminded me of Australia. It reminded me of something I was before....
The Carriage path home - it has bit and pieces of what i like, but not the whole of it, so maybe if we spend fixing it up, maybe we'll get there. But it does looks a little bit of what i like. Dont know...dont know...
I miss dad, i wish things were smoother with my brother. I wish my mom was here! I wish 1063 on us :)
oh well... we'll find home soon...I love my home now, head over heels. But with kids growing and visiting family, we are just looking for now.
I'm learning to accept myself and not punish myself for it. Not beat myself for it....It is what it is and I'm ok with the fact that I cant change things, I cant repurpose life, I can repurpose myself, my perceptions and what I allow myself to be.
I'm ok with taking charge for initiating things to happen, if they happen or not, I'm willing to not be too overtaken by it.
Buying a home is surely proving to be a challenge. Losing 1063 was very hard, I imagined living there, the second I walked in, my child's mature way of thinking - made me feel like getting it all the more. 395 Turnberry - well that's a glam house, with all the bells and whistles...had everything we wanted, but i knew in the corner of my heart it isnt happening, or maybe i had too many apprehensions, the snow removal, the sloped yard, but yet it wowed me, the white kitchen sucked me into it :) When the stucco issues started to surface, all the red flags started to flap harder :) so there it went, we were still grieving about 1063 - our simple home. It reminded me of Australia. It reminded me of something I was before....
The Carriage path home - it has bit and pieces of what i like, but not the whole of it, so maybe if we spend fixing it up, maybe we'll get there. But it does looks a little bit of what i like. Dont know...dont know...
I miss dad, i wish things were smoother with my brother. I wish my mom was here! I wish 1063 on us :)
oh well... we'll find home soon...I love my home now, head over heels. But with kids growing and visiting family, we are just looking for now.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Choose Love
We are getting to ready at work to move to another building, we are packing, last night I felt like i was drowning, it was any normal evening, good time with kiddos, V, everyone was going in sync, but still i felt like i was punched out.
I couldnt shake the feeling off...
Dil ki baath na poocho dil tho aata rahega....
Late night when i was resting my head on the pillow, my phone rang, dinnu at that hour was unsual, she aske dhave you got the news, again i felt punched in my stomach. I was taken back to 506 Briar road in the kitchen listening to her voice mail...
She then told me about Zia bhaiyaa (ameena's husband / jilani mama's oldest)....
We all are just a memory...so be kind to yourself and people around you! Dont spread hate, dont spread rudeness, choose love always.
I couldnt shake the feeling off...
Dil ki baath na poocho dil tho aata rahega....
Late night when i was resting my head on the pillow, my phone rang, dinnu at that hour was unsual, she aske dhave you got the news, again i felt punched in my stomach. I was taken back to 506 Briar road in the kitchen listening to her voice mail...
She then told me about Zia bhaiyaa (ameena's husband / jilani mama's oldest)....
We all are just a memory...so be kind to yourself and people around you! Dont spread hate, dont spread rudeness, choose love always.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Undress
Have you ever felt this....wow... its so strange, I can exactly pin point when, where I felt this way...
ha ha.. the perils of being infatuated or falling for someone :)
All of November
Dear Moi,
You pulled it off!!! I don't know how i did, and i actually dont want to know but I did. I can still hear the music and the feel the tap of foot.
It was Taran's 7 birthday on Sat Nov 22, then the thanksgiving dinners at home and friends homes, then tagging along with Girls to shopping, wrapping up big projects at work, and mostly, throwing the biggest party all by myself with help from lots of sources. Radhika, Ashi, Smitha, the DJ, Jane, Sandrien, Cake Guy, and everyone who came and danced at V's birthday party - it was just superb.
will be heading to india...after that to meet my darlings...
You pulled it off!!! I don't know how i did, and i actually dont want to know but I did. I can still hear the music and the feel the tap of foot.
It was Taran's 7 birthday on Sat Nov 22, then the thanksgiving dinners at home and friends homes, then tagging along with Girls to shopping, wrapping up big projects at work, and mostly, throwing the biggest party all by myself with help from lots of sources. Radhika, Ashi, Smitha, the DJ, Jane, Sandrien, Cake Guy, and everyone who came and danced at V's birthday party - it was just superb.
will be heading to india...after that to meet my darlings...
Sunday, November 09, 2014
Tragic Tragedy
got a text early morning 3.04 am from my nana abbu in pakistan about tragic passing in my family in Harrisburg.
What unfolded next is lot to for me to deal with. I spoke to my khala on way to work, her recount of what happened to my cousin, his accident, just everything shook me to the core.
I couldn't stop thinking of her, nor my cousin. It wasn't possible that he was gone and that too in such a tragic way. It is not my story to share, it is his actually and if anybody else his mom's my aunts, so I'm not sharing this. I don't feel right talking about it, but it shook me up a lot, all these questions of why, how come, what went wrong - kept flooding in my head. not knowing who to reach out to in my "quest" for a lack of better word, for answers, I sought my sister's help. She comforted me in the way she could but i know i think my questions threw her off and made her little off track too.
I promised my aunt that I'll attend the funeral to be there for her. But next sat came and i didnt hear from her, so i thought things were still in works and didnt feel right interrupting her. but came to know on late sat that funeral went smoothly on Sat morning on that warm sunny fall day. He was buried the same day he was born. It was his birthday, the day he was funeral took place. I said my prayers in my heart. I called her on Sunday and promised to come visit her next sat, as she had stuff going on with her, she felt best to see only on weekends.
that following sat 25th oct, on my way to Harrisburg, all the points of my interaction with him, his dad who also passed away few months ago to cancer, his mom (my aunt), was flooding to me and the surrounding mountains with the picturesque fall trees seem to be engulfing me in a hug, in a comforting hug that i couldn't deny. My tears rolled and i cried going to her house. His audi truck was still parked outside.
She gently opened the door for me to welcome in her home, which she is now just visiting as her older son and his family lives there. That impeccable living room is now a accumulation of oversized furniture with unread mail scattered on the TV console. Kids shoes, laundry everything....was everywhere. This wasnt the OCD in me this was the old linku that went in thier old beautiful house now just a memory of a uncle who's no more, a son who's no more, a busy older son and my aunt who visiitng from another state.
We held hands and spoke and she poured it all out, as much as she truthfully can and i just listened with tears...god please give myaunt hte stregnth to deal with this part of her life. An unimaginable sorrow dawned on her and I felt she is holding me up.
I gave what i brought for her grandkids, promised to help her with her airline refund and left her home to visit another friend in town who recently bought a house. My friend was so graceful in not asking too many questions, fed me well which wasn't planned, my heart was crying but i couldn't let it go on it's own. Phir she and I kept talking non-stop for two hours until i left to drive back home.
I'm in awe of people, of families, of untapped strength and love, love with no judgments, love with no expectations, love just sheer love.
All my questions of why people do and behave a certain way, are now rested that the answer is -- there is NO answer, the answer is acceptance, the answer is being there for people, for family and friends. That's my take away and I wont ever forget that. I cant wait to share my lessons with my loving children until then i need to let the answer help me in anyway it can.
I couldn't stop thinking of her, nor my cousin. It wasn't possible that he was gone and that too in such a tragic way. It is not my story to share, it is his actually and if anybody else his mom's my aunts, so I'm not sharing this. I don't feel right talking about it, but it shook me up a lot, all these questions of why, how come, what went wrong - kept flooding in my head. not knowing who to reach out to in my "quest" for a lack of better word, for answers, I sought my sister's help. She comforted me in the way she could but i know i think my questions threw her off and made her little off track too.
I promised my aunt that I'll attend the funeral to be there for her. But next sat came and i didnt hear from her, so i thought things were still in works and didnt feel right interrupting her. but came to know on late sat that funeral went smoothly on Sat morning on that warm sunny fall day. He was buried the same day he was born. It was his birthday, the day he was funeral took place. I said my prayers in my heart. I called her on Sunday and promised to come visit her next sat, as she had stuff going on with her, she felt best to see only on weekends.
that following sat 25th oct, on my way to Harrisburg, all the points of my interaction with him, his dad who also passed away few months ago to cancer, his mom (my aunt), was flooding to me and the surrounding mountains with the picturesque fall trees seem to be engulfing me in a hug, in a comforting hug that i couldn't deny. My tears rolled and i cried going to her house. His audi truck was still parked outside.
She gently opened the door for me to welcome in her home, which she is now just visiting as her older son and his family lives there. That impeccable living room is now a accumulation of oversized furniture with unread mail scattered on the TV console. Kids shoes, laundry everything....was everywhere. This wasnt the OCD in me this was the old linku that went in thier old beautiful house now just a memory of a uncle who's no more, a son who's no more, a busy older son and my aunt who visiitng from another state.
We held hands and spoke and she poured it all out, as much as she truthfully can and i just listened with tears...god please give myaunt hte stregnth to deal with this part of her life. An unimaginable sorrow dawned on her and I felt she is holding me up.
I gave what i brought for her grandkids, promised to help her with her airline refund and left her home to visit another friend in town who recently bought a house. My friend was so graceful in not asking too many questions, fed me well which wasn't planned, my heart was crying but i couldn't let it go on it's own. Phir she and I kept talking non-stop for two hours until i left to drive back home.
I'm in awe of people, of families, of untapped strength and love, love with no judgments, love with no expectations, love just sheer love.
All my questions of why people do and behave a certain way, are now rested that the answer is -- there is NO answer, the answer is acceptance, the answer is being there for people, for family and friends. That's my take away and I wont ever forget that. I cant wait to share my lessons with my loving children until then i need to let the answer help me in anyway it can.
Thursday, November 06, 2014
Monday, November 03, 2014
Movie
Last day of summer holidays, day before school re-opens, however you put it, we worked very hard all of us this summer, my work, his summer camp, it was my small thank you, taran and I at movies, watched ninja turtle movie. Very special day for me....
My very own philsospher
Monday morning 11/3/2014: No for once weren't rushing go to work…everything was going as planned, Taran will get dropped at Elena’s house, I’ll drop Minnie J; I’ll pick bagels for work for Tara’s first day back from Disney vacay. Amidst all this, I was looking for that letter from USCIS and couldn't find it. I was sharing with Taran that I wasn't happy that I’m not able to find that letter.
My darling doll – replies, “Mamma, if you are not happy about one thing, you can’t be happy with anything”!!!! Amen to that my love, he got it bang on…its moments like this that he makes me super proud. It was instantaneous, his reply. Good one, my dear, I’ll remember that.
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