Where shall i start !

middle of the night i remembered, i got myself a sky diving b'day gift few years ago, that day on my b;day weather didnt permit, since then a lot of other elements didnt permit. it's been few years now, i wonder where did i file it away. i still remember 2 yrs ago, a bunch of us at work, were all ready, the same weather came back our way and we didnt do it.

i think, to kick start rediscovering myself i think i should go for it, maybe i;ll ask some of my brave friends. and what abt that kick boxing classes, i think i was short of time, i once asked my ex-boss if she wanted to join me, she looked at me and said "do you see how short i'm?", i still remember that conversation...funny deb.

Count Hate

So my next door neighbour's gal janya and my tyke taran were playing y'day in my yard and as any little girl does she was saying how this one friend of her can draw so well, how she loves to play with kids of any age, and then she said this one friend of hers hates to play with little kids.

I was like, no janya beta, hate is a big word. I dont think you should use it. She did the sweetest thing then, she started counting the letters hate on her fingers and she retorted abck to me saying no it's not a big word.

That innocence was so pure and beautiful, i cant explain in words. I swiftly laughed my heart out and explained how that word means a lot more than just counting on fingers.

Kids are the greatest teachers in the world, we just have to be open to them.

Mates!

Is there any such thing like soul mates...does this concept really hold water ....are we all destined to be ?? I personally feel that is one baloney. I came across somethign abt it y'day on yahoo dashboard and it made me think, so i looked it up, wiki came up with some mystical opinions and a hell lot more. I went on to read more, there seems to be common consensus that soul mates are married couples.

first thing to imagine that your partner will be everything you want, everything you had imagined where you find that final peace, resting moment with one person is like a major illusion, i'm not saying there isnt anybody out there, all i'm saying i havent come across anyone yet. I dont know, i;ve had this conversations with my friend priya and moddu i call, fortunately they agree with me.

I'd like to beleive that soul mates have nothing to do with being married to that person. I dont know, that's my opinion. I feel that at every step of our blossoming and experiencing life, a little bit of our soul grows up and appropriately changes too. To pin that kind of pressure and hope on one person is blowing out of proportion, maybe when i'll meet real life soul mates, i;m willing to change my opinion.

I feel as we are growing, we associate a bit of our soul to another persons life or thier persona, the way 2 or more people feel connected no matter what. that connection, in my opinion, captures a little bit of what being a soul mate is built up to be.

to each their own, no matter how we look, or feel, even if the connection is from only one side, that part of giving life to that connection doesnt just expire, it goes on to live and survive it's own course.

The little bits and pieces of who i'm and what i'll be, cant be found in one person, atleast so far it hasnt been that way. I'm ok with that, my closest friends who have tolerated and come to see me in real harsh light of life and accepted me and still fell knee deep to make things better are true soul mates...

I have few, and i love them to bits for that. Nothing will change that...yet we dont stop our tracks from building other new connections. I'm open for life to throw surprises so that i can be that connection. Because that connection brings hope, brings that smile, humbles you, loves you to make you realize that you are never alone, not even once.

Mai aur meri

 

tanhayee aksar ye baathen karthey hain....

by god, kya mast bani hai....

after sunita started saying something abt shrimp, my stomach started growling, so i called this chinki restaurant i've been wanting to try in my neighbourhood, but lo! they dont deliver, aisey kaisey....yaar. I cant just pick a kid in between his kung fu panda and his tightly held new bumbabee (transformer) he calls, that he got from his pagal friend. That is just WRONG on so many levels, i thought, so i braced myself....

and opened the refrigerator, scoured around, picked what i needed and zip zap zoom, a lit bit there a little here, i think rachel ray would be kinda proud of me. Jo bhi ho, tasty banee hai meri egg fried rice. What a perfect moment this is? taran at sleep, ghar khali, me, my fave food, i think i'll check out wake up sid and chill, thodey dost hothey tho aur bhi maaza aa jatha, but i do pretty well alone too. maybe i'll check ddlj, here i come shahrukh....sehra saaja ke rakhna, chehra chupa ke rakhna, lene tujhey o gori, ayengey terey ....

Aaj kal

i stare at my widely opened refrigerator for good 40 seconds before i realize that i actually wanted something from pantry...

I walk into grocery store without my wallet, and walk back cursing myself...

making frequent trips

shamelessly singing aloud my playlist songs and not caring if someone actually minds it.

snacking on my son's go-gurt's, when he's not in the room.

i'm listening to this one song over and over and over again....

spending more time downloading music, barely watching tv,

not picking my running shoes, pillows strewn across the floor (i was labelled once monica from friends, no really)

Feel the shadow, the breeze....

feel like heading out for an ice cream with my doll friends, priya and sunita.

feel like maxing out my credit card, buy jimmy choo shoes,

driving my car a little faster,

jamm with my shona baby

run away to a vacation with V

i'm now listing things on my palm, instead of a post it, much easier, except when you are driving it's little faded. but hey what the heck right !!

sleeping less, eating less, working out more...

paying less attention....

hope my new chip in the block will last longer than i think, esp, after sunita said, you use to be so fun, aisey lagtha tha kay iss bandi ko phir milna hai! i was like what...so i'm going to be less organized and more unorganized !! ha whatever

WWUD

i was watching some show and made me think if i was to date one person live or passed, who would that be and what would i order?

hmm....firstly i need more than one date, i'd have to start with George Clooney, John Abraham !!! Saif Ali Khan, Will Smith and Gandhi. And every time i'd order kebabs with grilled vegetables ; )

next one, is it better to have been loved and lost, or never been loved?

never loved.

Which authors books can you read over and over again?

Maeve Binchy.

finally who let the dogs out??

has to be neighbors cute kids.

i just realized, my darn blog makes no sense, but that's why i call it JLT.

by god!

 

Cleaning up his bunny milk covered toy cars, spills on the floor, changing shoes umpteenth time, i couldnt help but realize what stark difference it is before you have the little devils and after. I mean i cant belive my sense of home decor is now dictated by his choice of toys, which end up on my window sill, i mean i totally respect master chifu and tiger and the darling panda. I mean i only watch it once a day even after my son has gone to bed.

Some of his toy cars end up with my cutlery, my clock gets misplaced for a week, DVD's are scratched beyond repair, precious pictures are torn, the water dispenser in the refrigerator is locked, we resort to tap water !!! really, by god, it's crazy, i've to make strategies of when to open the door, how to close the garage door with minimum sound...it's taken a lot of patience and hell lotta love to reorg our lives for my sweet devil child.

but most of all i've slowly learned to not to sweat it...

Life's little instruction book

In my kitchen, next to the stove, i have my dad's picture, under his picture, i have a book he once gave me, or maybe i sneaked it out of his library. I randomly open and see what was it that i meant to have happened on for that day.

Today, as i opened, i read this one instruction no 222. Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret (....darn it, i wish i had opened it this am, i'm always late)

tho i thought chalo, coincidence, move on, turn to another random page, this couldnt have been more truer instruction no 245. Never cut what can be untied.

Wow, that is beautiful.

they are here!

 

I was surprised in a sweet way, my tulips are here, when i see my tulips coming back each year, it just makes me feel on toppa world for few seconds. It feels like, yeah, i kinda wanna hangout with you, so i came back types....acha hai.

 

And these decided to survive somehow, maybe they had to, i was skeptical when i was planting them, but they are still here, so that says something, right. Even after a lot of hardship, it stayed.

This reminds me of the days when my mom would ask me to water plants and take a soft cotton cloth to wipe the leaves, and while i'm at it, she'd say dont forget to talk to them, they like to hear from you. i was like yeah sure, but when no one was looking i would tell all abt my school stuff to those plants. wow, my mom is such a nut. I call her after my gym and she asks me do you do work out like sweat it out or do you just breeze in and out....i was like mom stop it, i'm a grown up, dont u thin i'd have figured simple things by this time.

Had to

 

Couldnt resist them, they were calling my name, so i treated myself with these lovely bright bunch. They are blooming in my living room with such mild fragrance, hmmm....i'm loving it, and dancing to this hard kaur no. trying to find my groove back couldnt have been started better- rab nu dikha de..., nach ke dikade thu soniya!

Recently....

i just finished reading a ted dekker book "three".

After i closed the book, i held it in my hand and pondered away. Is jealousy as evil as it is portrayed, i went back to few instances when i felt jealous of a friend, of what they have in thier lives, not as in things, but the kind of life, thier friends, life which was what i had in mind for my life. How it made me feel, at that time. What i saw in the mirror, was a empty face.... a face with no features, just skin, eyes, woried forehead! Dont know to waht extent is it evil, but i can see the resemblance.

Maybe it just reflected, my mood off late. I've been feeling lonely, feeling kinda dejected and obsolete. I;ve never felt this way before, but i pass at different points of my life and watch it play in my head the happy times, the bad times, the questionable times, the times that made me who i am, what i've become. I and people i know credit me with being a strong personality, I do not refute that. But a part of me feels lonely.

I need to find a way to bare it to the world and let it see if it'll accept me. The big question is would it matter if it does or doesnt?

- i to me

Give me some sunshine...give me some rain...na na na

After i drop my son at his school, i head to dunkin's for my leisurely bfast, but this time the girl offered me free hash browns...i really like thier hash browns, ...thank you stranger !

There is someone i really need to talk to, but the prob is that person is not the easy kind to talk to. I imagine this talk going very roughly, but i have had this conversation abt zillion times in my head and every time it doesnt end well, no matter how i replay it, it just doenst end right. But some relationships are so hard to continue and yet not easy to walk off from.

i just miss my dad, i wish he'd guide me, this is one way how he'd want us to grow up, i guess. I have to, i will. Watching Silsila y'day, amitji says "baath ko taal ne se, baath suljh thi nahi hai"....just that alone, puts me in center of a lot of things, i've chosen to ignore and how they are come back to question me and my integrity in the midst of my darkness. Yet, for the sake of sanity, or maybe for the fear of actually having to live through the moments, i'm choosing to let it be. Maybe that's how life passes by you, when you choose not to live the rough times.

What is, is...and what will be, will be....I'm only a small dot in the puzzle. Troy Dunn said...you cant have peace, if you dont have all the pieces. I'll just to settle with yearning for that peace.

Thank you blog...

The big O

I had this show recorded, would go look at the info and couldnt dare to play it. I knew what it was about, but couldnt get myself to play it. One afternoon i thought i'll give it a shot. As i started to watch it, she said for this one hour keep your judgement and the repulsion aside, and watch it as a priceless information that you can use to protect your kids. I determined myslef to look at it that way, she said it, so i'll try it with all my will.

But as the four convicted child molesters started talking about why and how things rolled, my stomach churned, a man old enough to be a grand dad- 65 yr old man, a father, a friend, a stranger....all sat on plain looking folding chairs, with thier therapist present, oprah was asking them these questions that you'd want to ask. Why, how, have u thought of what damage the victims have been through. I was surprised of how this one guy acknowledged that thought, he said, i've killed her spirit, i've murdered her, i've killed what she could have been if i hadnt done horrible things to her.

When the father was talking, my stomach was churning, i felt like puking, but i kept reminding myself, leave judgement and repulsion for this one hour. So i did, i cant say i can understand them...

But what i have to admit is, to come out on national television and admit thier shame, what is so disgusting, all this so that parents out there can keep an eye out for their kids and look for any signs. So that they can protect thier kids and let them live in their innocence little longer.

Beleive your kid, if they say something, dont dismiss them.

Legible Kindness

Dear stranger,

What actually happened y'day was...i was trying to be on schedule, i alwasy try to be on one. Getting things done on time, follwong a pattern, trying to be safe, taking mild risks, all part of the BIG game, i guess. All this becoz i have set high standards for myslef, some i cant even accomplish, even daily tasks i try to do with such organization, that my mind is getting tired of keeping up with the details. Where i keep my recycled batteries, where i keep my childhood pictures, where is my sons birth certificate etc, just to keep on top of things i quiz myself, to make sure i remember. Yeah i know...

In such a rush after my errand at post office and giving my son his trip to Library and taking out some cool books, i just wanted to get home in time to feed my toddler and put him down for his noon nap. All has to be done by 1-1.15pm. Back to the point, in that rush, i put the library books on the bonnet so that i could unlock the car while i was holding my son. Except after strappin ghim in, i never got to pick up the books.

I didnt realize until later after i got home. Yet, i didnt rush back for the books, i still questioned myself what was the right thing to do, to go look for the books or feed my todd. I fed his mac n'cheese, yougurt and strapped him back in the car and rushed to the crime scene.

No luck, no books strewn across the parking lot ! i knew my bad luck was a part of it. I Kept asking myself, what was wrong with me, how could i be so stupid, how come i was losing it, do i have any ounce of capability and efficiency left to do mundane tasks?? I beat mysel fup over this for a most of the day and when i hit the sack it struck me i forgot all about it. I realized, good things happen to people who do good deeds so i left it at that.

Today, I swayed in my daily activites, taking my tyke out and all that, i forgot to check my online library a/c. When i did, Viola, what do i see, you returned my books. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU...

Humanitly is still out there, thank you caring enough to put the books back in the returns.

I'll pay it forward.

Love,
Me

Even if the sky is falling down

you ought to know.....to let it go....

started my day driving to this song in the car to drop off my tike at the malvern school. We both had fun, it surely pumped me up to start my day in a fun way....

So i met this dad whom i keeping bumping into (which in not uncommon) at daycare. He told me the other day how his indian friends taught him all foul words, i was like oh yeah, do u remember any? he beamed to say "Bakwaaz"....and i thought it was so amusing. We both laughed and went our ways.

So we bumped into eachtoher again and i asked him if they taught him anymore, he shied up to say well i'm being modest not to use any, if it was any other american foul word i wouldnt have been so modest...huh.

Abey oye saaley, maati miley, ullu ka patta....kya bolna chahta hai re....idotic specimen.

i smiled and i was like maybe later dude.

drove to B&N to a hot cappuccino and got blessed with few books....

gtg