I'm so proud....

of Taran. While feeding him last night, my darling ate pasta with a fork for the first time y'day Feb 13th, and i just stood there dumbfounded. I watched him for many many seconds with a proud heart swelling with joy. I love you taran....

Interesting day

Y'day afternoon i was reading one of the many excerpts from my dads book, this one was from mr. velamati satyanarayana garu. He mentioned few things there that had my tears rolling.... i had to let him know how much it meant to me. I jotted down his no on a post-it and stuck it on my kitchen pantry. This morning, i couldnt reach my mom's cell for some reason, so i called him instead. Just hearing his voice brought back the picture of him in my living room, of him when we got dad to eluru. As much as I detained myself i choked as i was talking to him, a simple man, living a simple life. But today as we spoke, he touched my life, my day in a way that cant be put in words.

I love you baba.

Shulman

While putting my son down for his afternoon nap, i fell asleep with him for like 10 mts, i woke hurriedly to get to my tea, i have a hangover from that slight nap. As i sip my chai, i read mr.shulman's diary. Dad often use to tell me about him, how dad nad shulman with mr. patanjali went here and there. He's a jewish, pardon me that's totally irrelevant but for some reason our background comes alive when we are places we arent expected to be. He was in one such place, my rajahmundry, he was learning telugu my dad would say, he's a professor at the Israel uni. Wow so much for credentials. But my dad somehow always knows people, for what they are to what he is. My dad is now sketched in life in our minds by the memories of the people he knew, and some that we'll never know.

Move...ees

Since i'm back from india, whenever i get a break from running behind my son, i anxiosuly pop in a dvd to watch. So far, i've managed to see Guide, Sagara sangamam and for the past three days my trials to finish Mughal-E-Azam hasnt been fruitful. But one thing i've come to realize is that, the movies you see as a kid make a different sense than when compared to seeing the same movie now, when you are all grown up and can figure things out in more mature way. The essence of the dialogues are making more sense now, the circumstances seem more compelling now, the feelings seem more real now.

When i saw these movies many years ago, i only felt for the hero and herione and thought poor guys, it's so unfair, or why did thier parents have to make them do this and so and so. But now since i've gained more perspective on life and experiencing many life events in many angles....i finally get the "picture". My personal fave so far has been Guide....

(Thanks M for those dvd's)

Dear dad

Happy Birthday!

Now a date is just another day in the bigger picture. I wish........i really wish.....

An old note

Stars, stones and moon shine from far. The emotion of being everything and nothing when locked hard within - then a explosion is just a mere whisper. All those unexpected hallways, showers, lifestyles walk with me. Just a breeze would brush a brief memory. The fear of losing wasn't as bad as the fright of reaching.

I want to walk with myself. But the burden of those unspoken landscapes sketched deep inside me wouldn't let me. I saw myself working hard, trying to finish tying knots, meeting the ends. The early mornings, the anxious dusk's and dawns.

I miss home.

I found this note while rummaging thru boxes of old photgraphs.

Lipstick Jungle

No I don’t mean the book, these days as I head out to work, my lipstick lands on taran’s forehead and hair, so his head ends up having a tint of my lip gloss. My clothes, I make sure that I’m wearing something soft that he can rest his head on. Since fashion guru's (read Sex & City)ban on scrunchies to be worn in public, I’ve followed that restriction religiously, but now that is gone down the drain, I swear, I’m Imtiaz, I sport a scrunchie in public once in a while…because my little boy likes to pull on my hair as if it’s the last hope to hang on. Though I’ve bought some cute spring shoes, now I’m afraid to wear them, what with the extra fifteen pounds I carry (my son again), I cant dare to slip on the runway : )

So this weekend I’ve splurged and got 2 Vera Wang bags. Atleast he can’t mess with that, and I have a reason to think that I can throw his stuff in those dear bags.

Randomly

Ankhon mein teri ajab si ajab si aadaye hain !! Listening to this at work, and suddenly I’m filled with shahrukh’s voice in my head, and i feel good ! love you shahrukh : )

Did mention about the cake tasting tradition we started at work, every monday. So now monday feels a lot like fridays. someone asked why did we start it, this is the reason.



Did I mention that Roadies 5.0 started, I’m so exicted. I’m so rooting for ashu to win, if not him maybe Sonel, the rest are just clowns.

Wassup youngistan

Just my days

Sat & Sun were terrific. Sat went shopping with my son, totally splurged, and bought some spring shoes, clothes, and pants for my son. He’s four months old now.

While I was shoe shopping and in a pensive mood, a lady starts to approach me and I was just about to say “I don’t work here”, when she held a pair of shoes to me and asked “do you think this will go well with the outfit”. Aahah…. I’m being asked for fashion advice. She had both pink and white shoes, for the Easter outfit for her niece. The outfit had laces of pink, white and light brown. I told her to go with soft white shoes, since the stockings are in soft white color.

She: What color sweater should I buy.
ME: There you could turn the knob for color and get a baby pink sweater,
She: hmm… then what color hat…
Me: Smiled ), since we are doing pink sweater, definitely a baby pink hat.
She turns her gaze into thin air and says aa ha… I see what you are getting to.

Apparently her brother sent her to buy all the accessories, and he got the poor kid a dress without sleeves, so of course the little kid would be cold, so now she has to go shopping for sweater as well. All this for Easter Sunday church goers, she wants her niece in her Sunday’s best.

Baked cupcakes on Sunday nite, turned out yummm…

Happy Easter, dear sheebu, rekha, and all my other friends.

Got compliments on my new shoes (already), yeah, mission accomplished. The two teams in the aisle I sit at work decided we’ll start a cake tasting tradition, and get cake from each bakery and rate which one is best. So today, A got it from Genaurdi’s, it was good, alright. Arent we sweet ?

Taran got his immunization shots on Tuesday, wed he got sick : ( so I took the day off and we spent time together

Let's Hi

Me a mom, ammi ! Hmm… it’s super weird, in loveliest way. My son is everything I wished for. A sweet kid ! I could go on and on about everything he does – y’day I noticed he’s biting his lower lip and making fists in the air and kicking his legs so vigorously, it almost seems like he’s going to burst into life. When I make dishoom dishoom sounds, he giggles like it’s the silliest thing he’s heard but still asks for more. When I read his “Moonbeam Bear” book showing him off the bright colors of chanda mama, the bear, the green hills, the browntrunks of the tree, the mommy duck with her duckings, his lips spout as a big O, the wonder in his eyes is inexplicable, while his fingers try to reach the sleepy moon.

He almost every time gives enough time for us to warn of his hunger pangs, he wiggles his head on my chest and curls up to get cozy on my shoulder when he’s sleepy, after he’s finished his kakka, aka pooping, he adorns a calm face and waits for you. Once I start changing his diaper, he patiently lets you clean him up, sometimes he stretches his legs in a tight posture and shows off the newly formed chubby crinkles in his legs, I love to kiss his cute butt. For once kissing someone’s butt is for a good reason.

When he’s unsure if he still wants to play or doze off to sleep he rests his cheek on my cheek and we look at each other in the mirror, and he hurls this small smile which spreads lightly across his face. For a second my heart would just stop and wish my life would just freeze up to that point. At random times in the day, when he’s playing he coo’s he coo’s like a cuckoo, and no music is sweeter than that. My heart just melts to those sounds. I now officially know what that phrase means “melting hearts”, sounds like a name of a band, doesn’t it. When I’m in the shower in the mornings, I hear V talking to our son and for those few seconds, the world feels like a better place.

Am back to work since March 3rd. It’s been not so bad, since I have a good support system at home, first my mom and dad, now my in-laws. V is being great in anyway he possibly can, my friends who keep checking one me, if I’m ok. So I’m thankful for all that god’s given me. Thank you, god.

Since I found out I was pregnant, I was in for a roller coaster ride. My son’s birth story, my time with my parents after such a long time, flight to Melbourne with my son, my son’s time with his cousins, spending time with my sis, my jeej and my nephews, seeing my sister’s life first hand, coming back to States, starting my life, the new team at work of which I’m part of , my realization on how my son’s presence has grounded me – it’s a circle of life that I’ve enjoyed with few low moments.

So that’s my hi ! what is your’s ?

If not you, who ?

During lunch on last Saturday, I saw the horror unfold. The images on TV of my home town, being torn apart, the images of blood on the stairways of Lumbini park, the same area I’ve driven past innumerous times, I just couldn’t swallow the fact that my home is attacked. I know there has always been some communal tension, but to this elevated level didn’t seem real. I wasn’t sure if I was seeing the images of NY WTC, or the subway in London, all I knew is it was a place I call HOME in my heart and soul. Hyderabad, being attacked so horribly, seems unbelievable.

We stand with each and every family affected by these horrifying acts in these difficult times.

The story of a sister, the tears of a father in law, the cries of a mother in Maharastra, the silent moans of an ambitious son’s father, all in Hyderabad, sharing a moment in Lumbini Park / Koti…are united by the love offered by hyd but struck tragically. My eyes swelled with tears……feeling helpless. Feeling anger that someone touched my home.

From the unique blend of cultures, the incomparable accent, to the irrefutable biryani and the laid back attitude, we are like no other and yet we are the same in this moment of truth.

You be a New Yorker, Londoner, Iraqi, or a Hyderabadi, we cant escape, with all the attention and growth we’ve been having, a fumble of human lives wasn’t what I expected. Will my fears be translated in the same way by anyone traveling to hyde, forget people from other countries, what about our own fellow Indians, will they think twice before heading to Hyde.

One Hyderabadi said, this is not about religion or anything else, these people are against humanity, “ek ek ko sadak pey lakey, suli pey chada doh” (bring each one of the convicted and hang them in public), I couldn’t agree more, my sense of anger, fear for my loved ones and friends, definitely makes anyone squirm and go find a peaceful place. But we need to remind ourselves that this search for that special place doesn’t go beyond where we live.

Though the mood of Hyderabadi’s seems somber NOW, I know we’ll bounce back, I know we HAVE to bounce back, locking ourselves in the “so called comfort” of our homes, is not the answer. I know we want to protect our families, our friends, but don’t forget the fear of people we are instilling in them by not going beyond the bounds of our home.

Don’t forget that by doing so, we are giving the terrorist outfits just what they want, fear for them. Don’t let yourself be bullied. Be strong, have faith in yourself.

Questions, our ancestors, our grandparents, our parents, asked themselves are the same ones we are faced to find answers. It is now or never.

In the quite moments, not understanding and judging everyone by their appearance, we ask these questions:

What do we do, what, we are not terrorists, we didn’t die, we have enough money to save our ourselves if this even touches us remotely?

What we can do is stop, just stop blaming the govt, the state, the country. Just stop it.

What we can do is volunteer help at the hospitals, to the cops, to the families of victims.

What we can do is stop spreading rumors. You know I saw this, I saw that…no…just stop it. Don’t spread fear.

What we can do is talk to our kids, talk to people who are confused, talk to people who don’t understand how to deal with this.

Just watching inspirational movies and talking principles doesn’t do a thing to our country.

You might wonder, “But I’m only one person what can I do ?”

You can talk, you can talk to people, spread the word of love, send sms’s, collect money for clean up efforts at these places, you don’t trust govt, hire your own service orgs and give them money to do this. Show your face, show strength. We are no less than a newyorker or a Londoner, we have what it takes to beat it.

You don’t have to be a hero, you have to be yourself.

If not you, who, if not now, when? Just ask yourself this ….

I love you, Hyderabad, and always will.

Ahemm...!

I was at Sub-way for lunch and because of my growling stomach, I finished more than half of my 6 inch sandwich before I even opened the bag of nachos. As I was making peace with my lunch, I saw Bob D. walking in to Subway, I gave him a friendly wave, and he stopped by at my table. This gave us a chance to swap news of here and there. KT is visiting India for 4 months atleast he said, I said nooo… just 2 months, she told me of it. Ohh…oh…JM’s wife delivered a baby girl after a long very long labor, I was like woof ! when did this happen I curiously asked, he said oh just y’day, Scott is trying to do other projects too while still doing some work for VWR, oh u should see MM, she’s cut her hair short and dyed it red ! I was mildly surprised and told him I have to come by to see you all. AK’s wife is finally here and we all went to lunch, she seems nice – he continued. I asked him so how is my replacement working out, he said oh he’s doing alright…he paused as if he wanted to correct himself, he then said, well you know he’s not as terrific as you are, but I think he’s doing ok, I gave him a knowing smile, and said I’m glad you corrected yourself, Bob, and he just shrugged. Just then I mentioned to him about my impending baby. He heartily congratulated me and had the usual preggo talk…when was I due, do I know if it’s a girl or a boy ?, his 10 yr old girl who’s such a drama queen these days, but how he still loves her when she hugs and kisses him. After a bit, he mentioned that he gotta be going. Just b4 leaving my table he asked “so what are you reading”, before I answered, he gently flipped the book to see the name of it on the cover – he read it out loud, “Yummy Mummy”, this time he gave me a broad smile and said “Nyyyce”… and he walked away to order his lunch. There wasn’t a chance for me to tell him that it’s not a racy book instead it’s about the blues a woman is experiencing after her baby delivery, how she makes new friends, her inability to decide if she should get back to work, losing weight, issues with her boyfriend….and so far I’ve read she is still getting a handle on the situation. It’s not my fault that the author chose a sassy title for the book! Can I....

Can't stop

in dino, dil mera, mujhse hai keh raha
tu khaab saja, tu ji le zara
hai tujhe bhi izaazat, karle tu bhi muhabbat

I've been humming this song for two days straight, first thing in the morning, while driving to work, while heading for lunch.....just smooth beautiful lyrics.

Brave Hearts !

I went to refill water and saw this lady in the pantry. Her hair looked different this time, so I complemented her – how good it looks. She said “oh, jeez…” and revealed her secret of beautiful tresses - Breast Cancer.

Yup, she’s a survivor y’all.

She told me how becoz of chemo, her hair is baby soft and there is nothing she can do with it. So opened a catalogue and ordered her self a great set of hair, which she “weaved” (for the lack of better word) herself. She worked on it for 2 months, she exclaimed. Another friend of hers who also works here, resorted to wearing a scarf after her chemo sessions, which she didn’t want to, I believe. She said, it would be declaring it to the world, “hi look I have cancer and I didn’t….” she paused to look for the right word to fill the void… I prompted “settle down”, she said “yeah, exactly, I didn’t want to settle down with it, I wanted to make it a part of my life and not the other way around, because I know it can come back any time”.

I just beamed at her and said she looks terrific and I meant it. She smiled with no sighs, and went on, “there are days I don’t feel my fingers and bottom part of my legs, there are no senses to them, but if someone asks me, “how was I feeling”, I’d just reply, “great and you ?”. I felt so proud of her, as a person and I told her "you are brave, you really are", she said "I don’t know about that", but I reaffirmed she is that and much more. She smiled again and told it feels good to hear that.

My backaches from new life inside me, just evaporated, that sleepless feeling from last night just …gone. While walking back to my cube, I realized I don’t know her name, but then we didn’t have to know, we touched each others lives in some way. My heart is swollen with pride to all women with great hair or not, with or without breast cancer who face the world with such fierceness. You go girls…

Camping with friends

I hadn’t been to a full on REAL camping until that day. I went to picnics and slept under the moon on the terrace humming songs and with flash light pointed towards the dark sky, but never inside a tent nor cooked food at the camp fire. I ate when others cooked, if that counts.

That day I was referring to earlier was in Australia, maybe 3-4 months after I reached there. Some holiday was coming up and Trevor, was making plans for us. He’s a serious bicyclist; he would ride for miles on his bicycle. He was also a friend of the owner of the house we all lived at. So, he’d drop by once in a while to see how the appointed house parents were taking care of us, how the house is being maintained et al. Anyway, the house parents suggested to him why doesn’t he take the bunch of us for camping and he agreed.

On the day of our camping he showed up in a hatchback to our relief, we all pooled to bring food, chips, drinks, cans of food here and there. We were the most colorful in all senses we could be, I for one, I forget the name of my v. good friend from a nearby country of Kenya (he said he was a journalist back home, he told us some of the most exciting stories on quite evenings at home), the gal from Taiwan (she was studying music, I had never met anyone b4 who was studying music for education, only had come across lot of engineering & medical students, people who seemed to have a job by the end of it all. She and I would exchange traditional outfits, take pictures and she’d play piano and I’d listen.), the Canadian guy of course and Trevor.

On route to the camp site, as we slowed down for the other campers to share the road, one of them said there’s a broken branch ahead of us, be careful while we drive. Whilst a halting damp rain, we arrived at our camp area, and started our escapade. Oh I forgot, my Canadian housemate’s friend also came up with his “girl friend” who was in the same class as the Canadian housemate, but he always fancied her and is upset that his friend is dating her, he told us so, that’s how we knew it. Anyway, after setting up the tents, starting a camp fire, we started the grill as well and then Trevor said why don’t we take a walk. It was dark by then, but we were all game for it. Trevor knew his way around, he said to bring the flash lights but not to turn it on unless he says so, this way we can see the wild life in it’s natural state.

We started to walk in the woods, with the crushing sound of dried leaves under our feet, whispering of different sounds in the woods and what they signify, as we went along further Trevor suggested we should enjoy it and just sit in the dark, in quite silences we all found a place to lean on and sit down. At that moment, to somehow capture the time in my heart, I looked up at the sky; it seemed so far away, felt like the trees were floating and the sky was the bed of a sea with stars sprinkled everywhere and shining bright.

We resumed our walk back and finished cooking. As we were eating, my Kenyan housemate suggested we all sing a song, maybe even our national anthems. It was a sweet thought, so we all cheered him on to start first. With his lively eyes sparkling in the light of the fire he sang and we listened as if we were all being connected to Kenya in some way, then we all took turns to sing and dance too. We all united in a strange way at that camp fire. We later retired to our tents to sleep.

The next morning woke up smack in the middle of the woods, with the pale sky, the dampness of the ground, and the remains of the camp fire. The next two days were spent trekking, swimming in the water springs, sharing jokes, later our house parents joined us in their RV.

The morning we were supposed to leave are the few hours that’ll always stay tucked deep in my heart. I got up early, sensed that Canadian housemate’s Friend and his Girl friend (Sheila was her name, no she wasn’t a desi), were coo chi-cooing : ) I looked around, there were few people from nearby camp grounds were up, I saw a board pointing to a “Bird’s eye view Point Trek”. I heard Trevor talking about it before, so I challenged myself to take the walk, the nite b4 Trevor said we’ll start our way back by 7.30am, so I knew I had to be back by 7.30. To trek alone, what would happen if I’d get lost, if I was hurt, such adversities crossed my mind. But determined I was.

The path was very welcoming, u could hear distant waterfalls, the voices of awoken few, birds chirping, I was walking briskly. The terrain was naturally paved, there were wild flowers just about everywhere, there were dense shadows of the towering trees, amongst them I walked following the directions for the “Bird’s eye view Point”, sometimes it would be so sharply steep, you’d have to be so cautious. Then I reached the point they called Bird’s eye view, the view from there was astounding. Everything looked so minuscule, acres and acres of land till the end of your sight, trees at different levels, the way the landscape danced at unusual stratums, and I was there alone but remembered all I love, wind gushing from both sides, I felt like I accomplished something, don’t know what, but I did. I thought if I could do this alone, I could do anything.

In a daze I trekked back and realized they were all about to leave in 5mts if they hadn’t found me, yeah right! It’s only like…8.15 ! oops. Sorry guys, but really, would they do that? Naah…cherishing many memories, we sat silently and Trevor drove us back.